Ice Veins; Ice Heart

just talk, just tell

mean ole moon
it must be fun
to shine upon me as i come undone

After a talk with Billy to cool me down I head back to the prison I unfortunately have to call home.

I turn the key and open the door. My bags are not there anymore and the house is dim. There is a shinning light coming from the kitchen and the warmest voice that followed it.

"In here Noelle."

He said my full name. Not Elle, or Elly but Noelle. I walk to towards the kitchen. Dread washing over me, knowing the impending doom of what Charlie wants to talk about.

I reach the kitchen and lean on the doorway looking at my poor father's slumped position over the kitchen table with an unopened bottle of beer in his hand. This beer was not the first of the night, I could see the other discarded ones out of the corner of my eye.

"Hey."

My voice broke at the end of my sentence. I hate seeing my family like this. My sister, crying in her room unable to understand my actions and Charlie, having a completely devoid daughter who won't reciprocate anything towards him. My heart shatters every time I think about what I put them through but it's the only way to protect them from the truth.

From myself.

"Noelle, I've been sitting here for the past six hours and no matter what, I cannot for the life of me figure out where I went wrong with you." Charlie looks at me. His eyes were glassy and there were bags underneath them. He was crying.

"Charlie-

"No. Let me finish." He whisper-yells at me so not to wake up Isabella.

"I am sorry for what happened when you were a kid. I am genuinely very sorry. It was my fault as a parent to let you fall into that dark abyss. It was even more my fault to let Renee send you to that god forsaken facility."

He uses his hands to emphasize his point. The entire time I just stare down at the floor. Unable to meet his graze. I'm ashamed and scared.

"But, the past, I can only apologize for. And I have done so. For the present, I want to be there for you honey. I want to try but can you please explain why you blamed yourself for Bella falling down the stairs?"

I stay silent.

I rather not speak than lie to him. Contrary to the bullshit that Renee liked to spew I loved Charlie. Correction. I love Charlie. He was my warmth in the coldest moments of my life. Even after everything that happened I would never blame him or put it against him. If I could, if only I was allowed I would tell everything. Absolutely, fucking everything.

But that would just break him even more. It would torment him to know what a monster his daughter has become. And I would never, NEVER, let Charlie do that to himself.

"Noelle? Honey"- Charlie get up from the kitchen chair and walks toward me. Before I can even react, he suddenly embraces me. His arms around me, engulfing me into his deep embrace. I never want to leave-"honey, I am worried about you. Please, just talk to me."

I start sniffing against his chest. "I am fine Charlie." I stutter out with all my might.

Charlie's chin rested on my head. I could literally feel the sigh leaving his body.

Charlie let out a whisper, "what are you hiding honey?"

I step away from Charlie, still not having the balls to go looking into his gaze. I stifle away my tears and hide away my pain behind my smile.

"Renee always blamed me Charlie."

Charlie was baffled by that one sentence muttered by his eldest daughter. He could only say the one word, "what?".

"Whenever something happened with Bella, she always blamed me. What have you done to your sister or, or, you pushed Bella, or you are the cause of this and that-" I felt my tears coming back. My voice started quivering bringing back memories of Arizona.

It was not the entire truth but what I said was true. Every little thing that happened to clumsily, little Bella was always my fault. Renee blamed her failure as fucking parent on me for not taking care of "miss-I-can't-make-popcorn-without-burning-down-the-house".

Renee was never there. She thought that me, being the eldest, would step up and rise through the ashes and somehow take care of Bella and myself. But, when she soon realized that I wanted nothing to do with her new-found expectations or my annoying sister she shipped me off to some institution. 

Bye-bye sanity. Bye-bye freedom. And good fucking bye to human empathy.

That was my childhood. Institutions and an emotionally stunted mother who preferred her has-been baseball player boyfriend to her own children.

I was not even surprised she shipped off Bella to Forks. It was honestly as matter of time before that happened. Renee wanted her youth back and the only way to achieve that impossible feat is to run around the country with a boyfriend, while living in denial about her children.

My train of thought about my failure of a mother was cut short abruptly by my father. Charlie put his hand on my shoulder, making me look up at him.

"I am sorry Noelle. I am sorry that Renee made you feel like that honey but I promise you I would never try to do that."

I gave him a half-hearted smile and whispered, "I know dad. I'm sorry too."

I saw his eyebrows unscrunch and a small smile in his face. His dark circles were now overpowering his might to stay awake.

"Alright there kiddo, go to bed. There is a big possibility you have to enroll at Fork High tomorrow."

"What joy!" I sarcastically throw back at him.

Charlie smiles and shakes his head. "Goodnight Noelle."

I smirk at him and start to head up the stairs to my room, "goodnight dear old dad."

Maybe it won't all be terrible. Maybe, just maybe it would be a change? I asked myself. But I was lying to myself since the moment I entered my room, the scream was back reminding me the pain was never ceasing