Struggling with an Ed

6.

If someone were to ask what my biggest fear was I wouldn't know what to say.

I wouldn't even be able to say them because they're not like all the other fears that people have. No. Mine are much different.

Im terrified of gaining weight.

Im terrified of someone seeing me the way I see myself, I'm terrified of them seeing me as the monster I really am.

Im terrified of my face getting chubbier, my cheekbones going away again, my collarbones hiding away into my skin, my arms getting fatter, my stomach protruding like it once was, my legs getting larger and the thigh gap I once had disappearing into thin air.

Im terrified of not seeing black dots when I stand up every time because I'm too weak.

I'm terrified of not being sick or weak.

Im terrified of turning into my old self.

The thing I'm most terrified of though is someone finding out and making all of my fears come true by forcing me to go to the one thing I'm now terrified of.

food.

I feel pathetic to be scared of something that nourishes your body but here I am, fucking terrified of food.

I used to love food. I used to eat something when I was hungry and I would enjoy it and not feel any guilt having it. I used to not care at all what people thought of my body or what it looked like. Now I'm terrified.

My mind has changed everything I every thought about food now.

Now my mind screams at me for not having an empty stomach

for not fasting longer

for drinking that drink because it has calories

for not looking as skinny and sick as that girl that died from starving to death

for eating something

for being in my own body.

My mom has asked me so many times why Im always listening to music or watching something while were eating something. I wish I could tell her its so I can drown out my mind screaming at me.

I wish I could be one of those naturally skinny girls that eat whatever they want whenever without any guilt and don't gain weight, but I guess all of our wishes don't come true.