Struggling with an Ed

9.

Binging.
Binging is a very scary and dangerous fucking thing.
It's scary not only for your body but for your mind.

About a month or two ago i binged for almost a straight month
It was one of the worst months of my life
The guilt was so overwhelming and the thoughts swarming my head were the worst they ever were.

I had a lot of energy back though.
I think that might've been the only good thing that came from that
I had gained back my period, almost all the weight i had lost, my legs got thicker, my collarbones disappeared again and my face got chubbier.

All of my hard word was gone in an instant.
Months and months and months of going through this torture for nothing.
I guess that should've motivated me to possibly recover because i saw first hand it all just comes back but no,
It motivated me

I never want to go through that experience ever again.
The shame and guilt i felt was unbearable and i know i never want to feel like that again
The shame of someone seeing my body or seeing how fat i had looked

I didn't even enjoy the food
That's the worst thing.
I didn't enjoy the food at all, i didn't even really taste the flavors or like what i was eating. I had just shoveled everything into my mouth.

At night i would sneak out of my room and go and shovel more food into my mouth because i was supposedly "hungry".
I doubt that
I ate almost every two hours and i couldn't stop myself

All the discipline, all the work I'd gone through to be skinnier had just dissolved away just like the food dissolving into my stomach.

I think part of the reason for the huge binge was from the changes happening around me
I know it scared me
I know that i wasn't used to someone else living in my house so i had gone back to the thing that once comforted me
And it ruined me.

I had never gone through that huge of a binge before so i didn't know what to do.
I think that's also why i just kept binging because i was stuck
I didn't know how to control myself anymore or control the urges.