I hit one of my ugw's today
it was weird though I mean I've wanted to be this weight for so long and now that I'm at it I don't even care, I already want to be at a lower weight.
after that number showed up on the scale I wasn't super excited or anything, it was just like ok I guess.
I don't really know what's happening to me.
I want to be super skinny and thin but I also kind of want to be like one of those gym girls with muscle. I've worked so hard and went through all this pain for so long and now I don't even know if I want to keep doing this.
I just had a meal and I'm not even really guilty, I hate the way my face feels fat now and my stomach is bigger and I feel like my thighs are too but I'm not super guilty? I just feel gross and uncomfortable.
ok idk I mean I most definitely do not want to recover like at all.
and thinking about having omad is just no. I dont want to do that at all either. I just have no idea what's happening to me right now.
Ive been doing super good this whole month (kinda not really in the beginning) but its kind of scaring me. I mean idk my body is getting weaker for sure and I'm like a little paranoid but also I like being so weak. I don't even know why I'm being so paranoid though because I'm definitely not super skinny at all.
I'm just in such a weird place right now
YOU ARE READING
Struggling with an Ed
PoetryTW For the whole book!!! This is just a book of what goes through my mind as someone with an undiagnosed eating disorder :)
