Struggling with an Ed

12.

I know it's not good to do this, i know it's not healthy yet i still do it.

I know the weight will all come back in the end yet i still do it. That's what drives me away from ever recovering.

I know that shitting your pants multiple times,

always getting lightheaded from getting up, your bones start to show,

you get that terrible guilt after eating remotely anything is bad but yet i still do it.

People say that you're not happy when you're like this but i am, I'm confident now, I'm so much more happy, my relationship with food may be terrible now but i don't care.

The bones showing drive me to keep going, the weakness drives me to go even further, the compliments drive me.

All the negative things drive me to keep going. The fitting in smaller clothes is amazing.

The feeling when you know you're getting skinnier is the most amazing feeling. It's exciting knowing no one else knows, it's your own little secret you keep to yourself that no one will ever know.

Seeing the difference between how you looked like before and what you do now is such an incredible feeling.

I love the feeling of your empty stomach getting smaller and having smaller portions and getting full instead of wanting more and eating less calories than what a baby eats. I love it all and i know it will ruin me.