Struggling with an Ed

22.

whenever I'm the skinniest I feel the fattest

I can never see any progress until after I binge and loose all the progress I had once been at

I take so many pictures of what my body looks like, every single angle, just for me to look back at later on to see if Im actually getting skinnier or not
its pretty sad, last week I refused to leave the house because I thought I looked fat but I was actually the skinniest I had been in a long time.

you never know how much you lost until you no longer have it

for me I lost being skinny and I no longer look like I did last week because I had binged it all gone

I like to torture myself all the time by looking at my old body checks when I was at my lowest weight or when I looked so skinny and didn't even know. I love seeing the cheekbones showing more and more snd that empty look in my eyes and the dark circles darker than ever before because it makes me feel so validated, it makes me feel like I looked sick enough or skinny enough.

ever since I started torturing my body I noticed so many new things. I noticed how long you can really go without food, or when my body starts to actually get hungry and at what time I'm the hungriest, I noticed the things that trigger binges, I've found out foods that I'm fucking terrified of now, I noticed how I never eat any of the thing I used to. I never eat fast foods anymore and I used to love fast food.

Ive noticed all the new things that make me insecure about my body.

like how I can't wear tighter shirts because they make the fat on the back of my arm become more prominent, or how big my thighs are and how much they jiggle, how bad my side profile looks when I'm not sitting up straight with my head held high so my double chin doesn't show, how bulky and big my shoulders really are, how my boobs make me look so much fatter than I already am from them being big, how big my stomach really is.

I never cared about those things before

I used to love my thighs and I used to be proud of them and now I despise wearing shorts because of how insecure I am about them. I never used to know that I had a double chin oe that my face was fat, I never noticed so many things because I never really cared. I used to love my boobs and now I hate them.

I used to never understand why my ex would turn off the lights when they would shower just so you couldn't see their body but now I do. now when I take a shower I refuse to look in the mirror. I won't even change where it is.

I used to be able to go to the bathroom all the time and I would complain about how many times I had to go and now I get excited from finally going to the bathroom after 4 days.

I was never really scared of anything but now I have so many fears you can't even keep track.