Struggling with an Ed

8.

I hate feeling like this so much
I'm trapped
I'm trapped on trying to choose from my happiness and the health of my body.

Everyday is a struggle
Today I'm struggling to eat

I don't know if i can eat or if i even want to. I mean of course i don't but sometimes i get so hungry that i have to.
I don't know if i should eat
I know i wont be happy with myself if i will but sometimes the hunger just gets to be too much.

On the other hand i enjoy the hunger.
I like the feeling of having an empty stomach
Or the fact that no one knows I've been starving myself for days
I like the cries from my stomach for food
I like the feeling of being in control of how much food i intake or the portion size of it or how when i don't eat my stomach gets smaller

But

I don't like when my stomach hurts so bad from not having anything in it
Or when all i can think about is when my next meal will be and if I'll actually have it
I don't like when my hunger keeps me up until 4 am every night

I hate the guilt
Sometimes i get guilty for even thinking about the food
Sometimes i think about binging so much and just starting over later.
Sometimes that does happen.
I feel guilty for even thinking about binging.
I feel guilty for every little thought i ever have about anything.

Guilt has been ingrained into my brain now
It's natural for me to be guilty about everything now
I've trained my mind to hate myself for even so much as thinking about that piece of candy or that pasta that i want so badly.

I've brainwashed myself.

I'm trapped inside my mind and i don't want to get out.
I know how bad this is and yet i still find comfort in it
I'm comforted by all the bad things in the worst ways.