Struggling with an Ed

13.

I binged today.

I think I psyched myself out so much yesterday that it resulted in me binging today.

I'm so upset with myself

I'm upset that I lost control

I feel so physically and mentally sick right now

it wasn't worth it at all.

The food didn't even taste good, most of it was disgusting, I almost gagged from having too much of it.

I'm disappointed that the food wasn't even good

I'm disappointed that I didn't have any self control whatsoever

I'm disappointed in myself

everytime i binge I feel so drained, physically snd mentally.

my eyes drooping, my body drained,

I feel exhausted even though I had just recently woken up from sleeping

I feel so uncomfortable

the food just sitting in my stomach is a horrible feeling and I hate it so much

I always try to enjoy the meals and food I have but the one I had wasn't enjoyable at all

it was fast, I was rushing to shovel anything in my mouth before the clock struck that certain time, before my mom could catch me hoarding all the food in the kitchen hiding away.

I even run to my room sometimes to eat the food in hopes of no on hearing me binge

I always feel like when I'm eating while someones around they are judging me, like they're judging me for not getting a smaller portion of the food or for eating all the food.

I know I shouldn't finish the whole portion of food, I know I shouldn't let myself binge, I know I shouldn't not care about calories for a day but sometimes I still do it. I'm ashamed that I do.

I like to try and blame other things for the reason for my binges because I feel so terrible. I know its only my fault and not some other silly reason but I still do it.

the most used excuse I tell myself is the clothes I'm wearing. I have some clothes stored away, hidden, because I told myself that the hoodie I wore was the reason for my binge. I partially do believe that it could be some of the clothes reasons for instance, the sweatpants I wore that are now hiding made me look 10x skinnier than I was so I would let myself have a meal but then I would loose control and make an excuse that I still look skinny so it doesn't matter. it really did matter though.

I blamed my scale for the reason of my binges as well. a couple months ago everytime I would step on the scale I would binge so, for two weeks I wouldn't allow myself to step on the scale until the end of the week. it kind of worked I guess but I still binged the whole weekend afterwards. I still sometimes blame the scale for the reason I binge.

I blame going to my dads house every time. I always binge when I go to his house and I never blame myself but I blame the fact that I'm at my dads house. its so stupid because its nothing else that did the binging but it was my mind and my body.

my body was screaming for nutrition and calories and actual food and that's the reason for the binges. not any objects, it was my mind. my fucked up mind.