Struggling with an Ed

25.

I haven't written in a little bit so hi ,

I kind of forgot about this and I also didn't really know that to write. I mean my life has been pretty much the same the past few weeks

as you know I had gone to my dads house. I didn't binge at all the whole time I was there and I usually always do. Im very happy I didn't

I haven't binged for almost a whole month, that's the longest I think I've ever gone without binging . I'm so much happier with myself for not loosing control.

its pretty weird for me now, I've been going to the gym more and I've been very motivated to walk more and exercise and I actually enjoy it. I never really enjoyed it but now I look forward to it. I'm super embarrassed to go to the gym right now though because I had asked my dad what things to do but, when i was there i pretty much just walked around looking like an idiot. So for the next couple days I'm gonna stick to walking .

I don't really even know what I want my body to be like anymore. A part of me wants to be super skinny and tiny and another wants to be like one of those gym girls and I just don't know. Im confused why I'm being like this though

I just had some breakfast and it was really weird for me. I had put fruits and nuts with my main food and my body physically couldn't eat that much and it shocked me. I used to eat more than that portion size and now I can't even have that much.. I feel very validated but I also feel scared.

I got back to my lowest weight and now I'm at a lower weight and my mom now has brought up me looking sick like I'm dying, multiple times. I am scared of what the future will be like for me and my body but I also feel so happy.

The whole time I was eating I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt like how you feel after you binge, drained and exhausted. I look exhausted too.

I have huge dark circles under my eyes and I can see why my mom said I look sick. I look sick but that doesn't mean I'm sick enough. I still have a huge way to go. I mean my BMI's not even close to being under normal.

I need to be sicker. I need to be skinnier. I have to keep going.

I feel so weak. I couldn't even fall asleep last night from feeling so weak and hungry. I think I got like 3 hours of sleep and I can't fall back asleep but I'm exhausted. I'm so physically drained.