Step Into the Light

Chapter 49

"Last night I lied, I looked you in the eyes. I'm scared to find a piece of peace of mind. I swear to you each and every time I'll try and change my ways."

NAOMI'S POV:

We ended up falling asleep on my couch.

It's 4 A.M.

I woke up, and have been trying to go back to sleep.

Something is keeping me awake.

I know I opened up to him.

That was enough... Right?

It should've been enough.

But there's still more I need to say.

But how do I tell him?

He barely got it out of me yesterday.

I should be able to, but it's just not easy for me yet.

I'm getting better, I promise.

I pick my head up off of Harry's chest and stand from the couch. Then I quietly head into my bedroom. I shut my door, rub my tired eyes, and look around for my ukulele.

I find it in the corner of my room and pick it up to sit with it on my bed.

I stare around as I hold it.

My eyes land on a picture I have of Harry and I on my nightstand. He's holding the camera and I'm hiding my face behind his shoulder.

He really wanted a picture of the two of us in that moment, I still don't know why to this day. It was a random moment on a random day. But he really wanted it. I kept saying no because I didn't like how I looked. Finally he wore me down and I said yes, but at the last second I ducked my head. He has the biggest smile in the photo.

And I'm hiding.

"How do I tell you?" I whisper to the picture as if it could answer.

There's so many things I want and need to tell him. But how do I do it?

I start lightly plucking at the ukulele as an effort to not make much noise.

I just keep plucking the strings and stare at the photograph.

I already have lyrics in my head.

Out of instinct I almost grab my phone to record this. But I don't know if I will want a record of this song existing.

And that's okay.

Sometimes you need to get it out, and let it go.

Before I know it, the emotions start falling out of me yet again tonight.

"I'm a little scared you'll leave even though you tell me you won't. I'm a little scared of being someone that you're scared to love. You don't talk the way he did and you don't say the things he did.
I'm not who I was back then but still." I sing as quietly as possible.

"I'm a little scared to speak cause I can't find the words to say. And I don't want to make this about me I just can't hold it in today. But you don't play the games he did and you don't make me feel like shit. And my mom likes you more than him but still..."

It's times like this when I wish I had the problems I did when I was twelve. Like how I would've have enough money to buy a new piano book, or how I wouldn't be allowed to go somewhere. Instead I'm sitting here trying to learn how to be in a normal healthy relationship, because I've never been in one. How do I navigate this?

"How do I tell you that I've come to like the pain?How do I tell you that I don't know what it means to be happy with somebody? Don't know anything 'bout that. Who the hell can write a love song without making it too sad? That's all I've been. How do I tell you? How do I tell you I got it from him?" I sing with tears threatening to run down my cheeks.

I don't necessarily like the pain, but then again if I truly didn't then wouldn't I have found a way to avoid all of this trouble? Maybe subconsciously I like it. Maybe now that I've admitted that, I can move on and work on it.

"I'm a little prone to feel a little overwhelmed with it all cause you are someone I want to know and I hope you don't let me fall. You make sure I get home safe and you always know what to say. I feel like I've found my place, but still..."

"How do I tell you that I've come to like the pain?How do I tell you that I don't know what it means to be happy with somebody? Don't know anything 'bout that. Who the hell can write a love song without making it too sad? That's all I've been. How do I tell you? How do I tell you I got it from him? How do I tell you I got it from him?"

I feel a little bit better as I end the song. I set down the ukulele beside me and sniffle. Then I take a deep breathe.

"That would sound better on an acoustic guitar." I whisper to myself.

I won't ever even think about putting that song out, but if I did it would be on an acoustic guitar.

I take one more breathe and then get up to go back in the other room with Harry.

I open the door and Harry is no longer lying on my couch. Confused, I glance around the room. My eyes stop at him sitting against the wall to the right of my bedroom door.

"Did I wake you?" I ask crouching down to sit next to him.

"You just tell me, Cherry." He whispers as he takes my hand in his.

"What?"

"I heard the entire song."

"Oh..."

"I know it's difficult and uncomfortable, but you just tell me. Our relationship will be stronger because of it. It's not going change us. We'll just be stronger. And talking about these things will make you feel so much lighter I promise." He squeezes my hand.

"I know. It's just hard. Earlier when I said the things I said, that was me trying. This is me trying. I'm always trying, or at least I think I am. I want to be open for both of our sakes, it's just really hard." I lay my head on his shoulder. "And I know that trying won't be enough, but I will eventually be able to I just need some time and-"

"Right now in this moment, trying is enough." He says genuinely.

"Thank you."

He kisses the top of my head.

We sit there for a few minutes until he eventually breaks the silence.

"Do you wanna go back to sleep?" He asks.

"Yes please." I yawn. We get up and head into my bedroom.

We lay in a spooning position in bed so we're looking out of my window at the moon.

I feel so safe and comfortable, yet so scared and thrilled. Love can be frightening. However, it's also the most tranquil and rewarding thing I've ever experienced.

No wonder there's so many songs, books, movies, and TV shows about it. No one can find a perfect way to describe it so we just keep trying and trying. It has so many descriptions yet none of them fully match what love is like.

"I love you." I whisper.

"I love you."

"I wish I met you sooner." I say honestly.

"That's something I think about too often, it's almost maddening."