Home Is With You

23 • They Took Everything

"When I had first joined the air force at 18 I was in a relationship with someone from the mechanic school. As you know I'm gay and back then I was bit naive to say the least. I was in love with him. During the course of this relationship, things were good but then it took a turn. He would beat me for what he called was my 'insolence' or if I 'disobeyed' him. He was extremely possessive and jealous over me. But me being just a kid, I thought this was okay that he loved me. I gave him everything I ever had. My dignity, my self respect, my virginity. All because I was scared to lose him. That man and his friends would rape me almost every night they had a chance. But I refused to tell a senior officer. I kept coming up with excuses for them. The only one that knew was one of my friends from the Air Force. They would try to urge me to leave him, to tell somebody. But I was in a vulnerable state, my dad had just died and my mom moved back to Nigeria. I was looking for anybody to fill this void in my life. Even when he would rape me or have his friends rape me. I couldn't make myself to be mad at him. I blamed myself.

One night, I was beat so bad I actually ended up in the hospital. I died for three seconds on the table. When I woke up I knew I couldn't be with him anymore." I sigh quickly wiping my cheek of a stray tear.

"How did you get it to stop?" They asked. "I climbed the ranks, transferred to a different station, moved rooms. Once I realized how much of a dangerous situation it was, I wanted to leave the Air Force. But I wouldn't, I loved being a fighter pilot. I loved the people that I grew to know and call my family. That was a safe haven from that situation." I say to them. "Did you get over it?" They asked as I handed them a kleenex

"I worked through it. There is no 'getting over' trauma. I have a psychiatrist that sent me to a support group, you should try going. It might help you." I mention. "I don't think I can. I haven't told anyone but you and my therapist. I don't want my wife and family to think any less of me." They whisper. "I haven't wanted to have sex with my wife since my discharge and our marriage is spiraling. She thinks I don't find her attractive but everytime I want to have sex. I see them and I don't want that. My dad is a real macho man and I don't want him to think any less of me."

"Well if they care about you at all, they will understand. As for you wife, I encourage you to tell her about this. Communication doesn't work unless both parties are open to it. I can tell that you love your wife and your family" I say. "Thank you Jeremy. This has helped alot. If you wouldn't mind, I would like you there when I tell them. " They say looking at me pleadingly.

"You're welcome. Here is the number for that support group. I really think it'll help you. I can definitely be there with you. Just bring them in and we'll talk in my office." I say standing up. Nodding they left my office leaving me with a weight on my chest.

I have someone now that I want to share every part of myself with. I know he feels the same and probably won't be effected if I tell him about my past. But the thought of Homer having a bad reaction when I tell him suffocates me. Pulling out my phone I call Homer hoping to ease my worries.

"Watson speaking." He grunted making me roll my eyes. "You know you really need to change the way you answer the phone." I sigh. "What's wrong? Did something happen? Do I need to come down there?" Homer asked making me look down.

"Why would anything be wrong? I'm fine." I shrug as I look out the window. "Jeremy. I'm not a mind reader but I know something is up." Homer quipped. "I just...want you to hold me." I murmur. "I'm on the way Remy. I'll pick up some food too." He says as I hear a shuffling of papers.

"You don't have to. I'll be alright." I say to him. "Are you sure. You know, I have no problems going down there. You need me, I'm there baby." Homer said. "Thanks Homer. Can we just stay on the phone for a bit?" I ask him. "Whatever you need. Are we still on for our date?" Homer asked.

"No, I really just want to stay in tonight, get some food. If that's okay with you." I sigh softly closing my eyes leaning my head back against the couch. "That's fine. Anything you want Remy." Homer says to me. "How are you divorced? You're such a good man. It's hard to come by these days." I hum absent mindedly.

"I'm divorced because my ex wife grew bitter towards me. She blamed me for her losing our children." Homer said. "But you don't want kids though." I said raising a eyebrow. "I know. But she is a jealous person. When Georgia had Maverick, Violet wanted a child as well. I told her I didn't want one. That we could be a family with just us. Besides a child is a life long commitment and we were busy in our careers. We barely saw each other. She insisted but she kept having miscarriages the fetuses weren't growing like they were suppose to and she had some missing chromosomes.

I grieved maybe not as much as she did but I grieved. I wasn't glad that the miscarriages happened but my mom always said everything happens for a reason. I chalked it up to maybe we weren't meant to have kids." Homer explained.

"I get it. After I had come back from the Air Force, I wanted a child. But when I was diagnosed, I couldn't bring myself to have a child go through those episodes with me. Or have to calm me down. I couldn't do that." I say to him.

Continuing our talk for a little while longer, I felt better like I could breath. "Thank you Homer. I feel alot better." I smile. "Of course. I'll let you get back to work. See you at my place bring a overnight bag." Homer says before hanging up.