Much Like Falling

Chapter Three

I pressed the button to wind all my windows up, and pulled into the pathetic excuse for a car park, thankful to see that no one else was here.

I smiled as my car skidded along the gravel before stopping, causing a dust cloud to form around the beast. Breathing heavily, I waited until the dust calmed down, watching as it faded into thin air before I stepped foot on the gravel, careful not to pierce my bare feet. I really should have grabbed shoes before I left, but there was nothing I could do about it now. I threw my hoodie into the back seat and welcomed the cool air to pierce the exposed skin on my arms. Before I turned to abandon my car, I double-checked that it’s locked, not that it mattered, but it was the only thing that never seemed to leave me, but now I was leaving it.

I came to this lookout often, and yet its beauty never failed to amaze me. The grass was beyond my knees, the gorse tugging at my shirt, and the view was incredible. Everywhere you looked, you could either see beautiful, lush green trees, or the ocean. This was definitely my favourite place to be. Brushing the soft, white thriving flowers with my fingertips, I fought hard against the wind as I made my way down the strangled path, passing the lookout-deck, keeping far away from the edge. From up here, the wind’s strength could topple anyone. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to go over the edge yet.

Keeping my gaze straight ahead, I let my mind wonder through the clouds. They lightly stretched over the sky, dream-like, beautifully covering the big expanse of baby blue. This was where I could think. This was where I didn’t have to worry about being interrupted. I was completely alone. 

I loved this place, though it was hell having to climb back up again, facing the wind. Luckily for me; I wouldn’t be doing that today. I was over it. I was over everything, and I was ready to leave, in just a moment. No one would know, and I doubted anyone would notice. I was doing them a favour. It was obvious.

I ran. I ran down the hill, the wind favouring me, pushing me, edging me on. It was screaming, “Do it! Do it!” over and over and over again. My hair slapped at my face, and gorse scratched through my jeans but I didn’t care. The pain wouldn’t matter soon enough. I slowed down once I saw the edge and grinned at myself shyly, catching my breath.

The ocean was my favourite kind of blue. It was darker than the sky, but matched in harmony. It was strange to think that Australia was somewhat in front of me. If I travelled straight ahead for several hundred miles, I’d reach Australia. I wondered what they were doing, two hours behind me. Most people would be sleeping, or getting ready for work. Maybe there was a seventeen year old boy doing the same as me, looking over the ocean toward New Zealand. I doubted it.

I sat on the dewy grass, and let the softness carry me. It felt good, to finally be able to breathe fresh air. I didn’t know how long I sat there for, but the tears kept streaming down my cheeks.

Stop crying!

Stop crying, you coward.

You’re pathetic…

You’re better off dead…

I glanced behind me and wondered if people had arrived, but still there was no trace of another human being. The only trace of other living creatures I could hear was the seagulls from below perched on the rocks that line the cliff faces. God knows how many times I had wished to be a bird, to be free.

I stood to stretch, and carefully made my way to a tree by the edge of the cliff, gripping onto the branch of the evergreen. I never expected that it’d be this nerve racking. In all honesty, the thoughts were much easier than the committing.

Despite it being summer, there was a certain chill in the air that pierced my flesh. I could do it right now. All it would take was one step. One step to end everything. I’d most likely die when I hit the crashing waves. I wouldn’t feel a thing. At least I’d have a great view on the way down, and I’d die emerged in my favourite shade of blue. Pure blue, which really only existed where I was looking. All my emotions were mixing together. I was numb but needed to feel something. I was like the cakes Mum used to bake when we were younger, happier. I used to help her mix all the ingredients into one, until you could no longer tell the baking soda from the flour, or the eggs from the condensed milk. Mum used to make the best cakes.

As the memories started to flow, I wiped my eyes with the collar of my t-shirt.

What happened to me? When did I become so depressed? I didn’t remember. I couldn’t remember being truly happy. Rod could make me smile and laugh, but wouldn’t it be better if he grew up without me? Like Dad said, I ruined everything. I was a failure. Rod’s only five. He wouldn’t remember.

He wouldn’t remember me…

That hurt. For the past five years I treated him not only as my brother, but as my son. I did everything while our parents fought. They couldn’t even stand sleeping in the same bed.

If I left, what would happen to Rod? Heck, what would happen to Siobhan and Hayden? Who was there to look after them?

Not me…

Not our parents and I doubted Bradley would bother.

I took a deep breath.

I was standing at the edge of the world with my life in my hands, no one else’s.

I took my shirt off, shivering against the cold, and ignored all my previous self-inflicted scars. Gripping the branch tighter, I reached over the edge and let my shirt fall from my fingertips. I watched as my shirt disappeared, blending with the ocean before it even hit the waves. In a matter of seconds, I would be like my shirt.

It’s time…

I let go of the branch and stepped away from it, my bare feet sinking into the cushiony, dewy grass before bouncing back up again as I took another baby step. I was so confident about this that it scared me, and yet, the tears just kept on coming. What would happen once I fell unconscious? Would I go to heaven? Was there a heaven? Well, there was no going back now.

I looked behind me to see that there was still no-one around, just a lonely cliffs edge and myself. No-one could stop me from what I was about to do, that was for sure. I got the courage to look over the ledge, hugging myself. Breathing deeply, I was never too fond of heights and water. I couldn’t swim, which was a good thing in this case, I thought. I didn’t dare step any further than this. I’d fall without being ready. Perhaps that wasn’t such a bad thing.

Parting my lips, I took in the deep, crashing waves. It looked so horrid, so insensitive and terrifying. Just think; I wouldn’t feel a thing. No, that was a lie. I knew it would be painful. But then the pain was bound to disappear and I would no longer exist. I would no longer need to feel pain.

Millions of people did this, it couldn’t be that hard.

All I needed to do was to take a step forward. The current of the deep blue would sweep me away for good. Who knew, maybe a shark would finish me off; at least I would have been useful for something.

I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of nature. How could a world so beautiful, be so cruel?

I was really going to do this? Yes, I told myself.

OK then. Stop hesitating!

I breathed in, letting it out slowly as I clutched my sides, trembling.

Here you go Dad, I was finally accomplishing one thing, and that was ending my life.

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