Much Like Falling

Chapter Fourteen

The next thing I knew, I was in my room applying pressure to my forearm. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, and I couldn’t breathe.

She didn’t mean that, right? Mum was only angry. That’s why she said that, right?

Don’t be stupid, Emerson, of course she meant what she said; otherwise she wouldn’t have said it.

How was it my fault, because my parents had sex and didn’t get an abortion?

Yeah fucking right? It was my fault because I was such a failure. They didn’t care I was about to kill myself that night. I mean, they didn’t know but how hard was it to realise?

I needed to go back to the lookout. Not to kill myself, but to think things through and write it down so I didn’t overthink.

After bandaging my arm and slipping my arms through my hoodie sleeves, I hopped into my car without telling anyone I was leaving. I just hoped no one would come looking for me and die in a car crash again.

But this time, as I drove out of my city, I didn’t put my music on. I didn’t want to die like Mia’s Father. That was not the way I wanted to go.

I pulled into the pathetic excuse for a car park, noticing how there was just one other car in the parking space. In the distance, I could see a small family at the lookout deck. The Father was carrying the youngest out of his three children tightly in his arms as the toddler squealed at how high up they were. I couldn’t help but smile, but it soon disappeared as I couldn’t remember a time when my family was happy like that.

I waited until the dust cloud calmed down before I hopped out of the vehicle, thankful that I was wearing my black canvas shoes unlike the last time I was here. I locked my car and patted the bonnet, “Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon,” I promised.

I listened to the crunch every step made against the gravel until I reached the grass. The wind was pushing my hair out of my face, but I didn’t really care. I liked the feeling.

The grass had grown since the last time I was here, though it was flattened by the wind. Still, it looked as comfortable and inviting as ever. I kept to the muddy path, careful not to slip. As I reached the lookout deck, I smiled at the family who were now taking photos. Their Mum asked if I could take a photo of them, so I did, and they actually thanked me for it.

What nice people…

I continued my way down the path until I reached the same tree by the edge of the cliff. I sat against it, looking across my favourite colour.

There were no clouds, so I could see the sun’s reflection in the water. It was so beautiful. I loved how it was pure and untouched by man.

How many people knew about this place? 

Positive that no one would see, I took my hoodie off and un-bandaged my arm. Beneath the plasters, my cuts were slightly bleeding. I had cut deeper than ever before, and there was no doubt I needed stitches, but I wasn’t ready to go to the hospital. It wasn’t because I was ashamed or embarrassed; I just didn’t want anyone to know. They’d talk to me about getting professional help, but I didn’t want it. I probably needed it though.

The wind felt nice against my skin. It was cold, but still bearable against the summer heat. I reached into my schoolbag and took out my notebook and black pen. I always wrote when I felt like this. It helped me come to terms with what was happening. Even though I was dying to tell someone how I felt, I didn’t know how to bring myself to do it. So I wrote things down. Everything that I wanted to get out, everything that I wanted to say but never could was written in this book. It was my life. I couldn’t lose it.

I’d usually try to give in to my painful cries from within. But tonight I will fight back; I’ll fight against the wind to keep on track. They strike me with words that made me weak. They screamed that I’m pathetic and useless, that I’m not their son. Well, I’m not afraid. He always used to step forward, act tough and stick out his chest. That’s right, Father, be a man. Show your strength and hit me, again and again and again. Lately I’ve been feeling sick to the core, but now I am stronger than ever before. So hit me, and I’ll hit back until I no longer feel a thing… Please, stop with this pain, this heartache. He’s gone but the scars still remain. I tried to scream but he’d just cover my mouth. “Shh, don’t tell Mum,” he whispered before striking again, and again and again and again. I wish you knew, Mother, what I have been put through. I only wish you could understand that sometimes I want it to end. And when I was a child, I was so sad because my Father was always mad. He’d do it when Mum wasn’t around, so she could happily live without knowing he’d hurt me until I was knocked out. There was nothing I could do but listen until he threw me against that wall a thousand times. It seemed as if he always had to hurt someone. I didn’t know why, but maybe it was for fun. So I took the beatings, ridding it from my younger siblings. To get through it, I just imagined I owned a pair of wings. He’d leave me sore and bruised, and hit me until I could no longer breathe. One night he wrapped his fingers around my neck. I thought this was it. I thought I was going to die in the hands of my Father. The bathroom door broke loose and my younger brother kicked and screamed, but nothing he did could help. I was losing sight, I couldn’t breathe, until he let go and slammed the front door, but sadly he didn’t pack; an obvious sign that he’d be back. “Don’t tell Mum,” I whispered to my brother, and in reply he kicked my side before storming into his room. The latest incident, Dad told me I wasn’t his son, all because I was pathetic, I am useless… I am a failure... That pushed me to the edge so I found my keys and left. That’s when I knew I was ready to leave for good. I could do it; it was easy to step off that cliff. My family wouldn’t have cared if my body was buried deep beneath the seabed, but she saved my life. I came home to find Dad was forever gone. So I guess it’s true, what they say about family. No matter how bad your family may be, you should still love and care, because maybe one day, they will no longer be there…

I placed my book and pen back into my bag and rested my head against the tree trunk. I let the softness of the grass carry me.

When I opened my eyes, a thin row of orange clouds covered the setting sun, its rays shining down on the ocean. It looked amazing. I loved watching the sun go down. I wished Mia could be here to see this with me. I wondered how she was. Was she as confused as I was about the kiss? It felt so real. I was filled with this warm tingling sensation that I only wanted more of. I missed her touch, the softness of her skin.

Would she talk to me at school tomorrow? Or at least write notes like she did in English? I hoped so.

I stood to stretch, and gripped onto the branch of the evergreen. I wasn’t going to take my shirt off like last time. That had been a mistake, and I definitely was not going to kill myself. I couldn’t do that to Mia. I gripped the branch tighter and peered over the edge. I couldn’t see much, just the ocean spray hitting the rocks below.

I released my grip from the branch and stepped away from the security of the tree. I opened my arms and closed my eyes. It was as if the wind was rushing through me, taking me away from all the hatred. I felt as if I could fly. I finally felt free. I felt amazing.