Who You Are Book 2

Chapter 18 - Baby Steps

Wei Wuxian spent the rest of the evening sitting on the ground and fell asleep sometime during the night, his head leaning on the wooden bed. At dawn, he vaguely felt someone lift him up with gentle movements and place him onto the bed. Struggling to open his eyes, Wei Wuxian could see Lan Wangji's still-indifferent face.

He immediately felt more awake, "Lan Zhan."

Lan Wangji answered with a "mnn".

Wei Wuxian asked, "Are you sober or still drunk?"

Lan Wangji, "Sober."

Wei Wuxian, "Oh... So it's five already."

Lan Wangji woke up at this time every single day, which was why Wei Wuxian learnt how to tell the time without looking out the windows. He held up Wei Wuxian's wrists, of which both were covered in reddish marks. He took out a small, turquoise porcelain bottle from within his sleeves and applied the contents. The areas that the smooth ointment had been spread on felt soothed at once.

Wei Wuxian squinted from the pain but felt like he deserved it, as he put himself in that situation somehow. Lan Wangji noticed his pain, so he tried to be a bit more gentle. He could see the regret and guilt written on Wei Wuxian's face. He had a feeling that Wei Wuxian was just going to bare with it with no complaints.

Wei Wuxian's heart skipped a beat, "Lan Zhan, do you remember anything after you were drunk?"

Lan Wangji, "I do not."

Wei Wuxian, That's probably true. Or else, he would've already killed me out of embarrassment.

In his heart, he found it both good and unfortunate that Lan Wangji didn't remember. It felt as though he'd secretly done or eaten something he shouldn't have and was hiding alone in a corner, snickering at how nobody found out but disappointed that he couldn't share the delight with anyone.

...

"You really like to torture yourself, don't you," Lan Xichen couldn't help himself to ask Wuxian.

Wuxian glanced up at Xichen. He couldn't answer that question without getting scolded by several people. Torturing himself with guilt was something that Wuxian had long gained a habit of.

"You are not answering his question," Wangji said.

"I don't want to," Wuxian said feeling a bit ashamed, "I have known that no matter what I answer I'll get scolded in some way."

Lan Wangji knew he was right. If he answered that, he'd get degraded for his answer...that also gave Lan Wangji, an answer as well. Wei Wuxian has been okay with the self torture.

"I am learning from my mistakes," Lan Wangji said, "I don't mean to scold you for your habit of self-torture. I just want you to know that you don't have to do that to yourself."

Having Wangji properly speak with him calmly was what he wanted. Wuxian nodded as he was happy that Lan Wangji is adjusting his habits to help him when he needs it.

...

Wei Wuxian found himself looking at Lan Wangji's lips. Out of what happened, he was regretting not kissing them, but Wei Wuxian was also glad he didn't go to that extent.

"What?" Lan Wangji asked as he caught Wei Wuxian staring.

"Pardon me," Wei Wuxian said as he placed a hand on Lan Wangji's cheek, "I think I'm finally understanding a little. What you said, we have two boys, and you have devoted so much to me. My heart says I love you and I want you, but my head is telling me that I don't deserve you."