TW: talks of miscarriage
****
Treating babies now in the ER was hard. It was always hard for her, because they were defenseless little babies who didn't understand why they were feeling that way, and her heart went out to them. She just wanted to scoop them up and hug them and tell them it was for their own good.
The worst was when babies came in with broken bones. She felt the parents' worry, and she had to do everything not to cry with all three of them: the baby and the parents. She had to do her best to stay calm, tell them it was a normal occurrence, and that everything would be okay. And it usually was okay.
But now Linda hid in the bathroom as long as she could after treating the babies. She dug the diamonds on her engagement ring into her palm. It was never hard enough to break skin, but it gave her a little pain. It grounded her. She took a deep breath, holding it for five seconds, and letting it go again. She imagined Danny's arms around her, soft kisses pressed to her forehead, and not telling her things would be okay.
"I love you," he told her.
"Even after...?"
"Especially after." And he'd just hold her until she felt like she could go on again.
Linda closed her eyes and breathed deeply again. She could do this; she could get through the day without breaking down and crying. She could get through the day without looking at the scalpels and wanting to use one on herself.
"How am I gonna be able to work, seeing all those babies?"
"You will."
"But how?"
"You will, cause you're strong."
"But I'm not."
"Linda," he put his hands on her shoulders, looking her straight in the eye. "You gotta be hangin' tough."
And she actually smiled.
"Hang tough," she told herself, sounding a little shaky. She could make it.
********
"Hey," he greeted her with a kiss to the cheek, and she felt herself relaxing the tiniest bit.
"Do you think you could do that again?" Linda asked quietly, feeling stupid.
"This?" He kissed her cheek, twice, and rubbed her shoulder. "You okay, honey?"
She nodded bravely, "just... tough day at the hospital."
"You want to talk about it?" Danny already knew Linda needed to talk out her feelings. He was always willing to listen.
"Not yet. I just... I'm going to take a shower, then figure out dinner."
"I can go grab something if you're not up to cooking," he suggested.
She wasn't up to eating. "Um... yeah, could you?"
"What do you want?"
"I don't care. You pick- you know what I like."
********
Linda leaned her head against the shower wall, praying the sounds of the water would drown out her sobs. She hated herself, she absolutely hated herself. Why did she have to do this?
The razor clinked on the shower floor as she shut off the water. She dried herself off and bandaged the cut on her thigh. She really hoped Danny wouldn't be able to notice her demeanor was off. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before coming out in her pajamas. She was going to be hot in these capris, but she couldn't chance Danny seeing the bandages.
"I ordered pasta," Danny said from the bed. "I was going to ask if you'd like to come to pick it up, but I see that you're already in your pajamas."
"Yeah...."
He stood up and kissed her cheek, "I'll be back soon."
"'Kay."
As soon as the door closed, she sunk to the nearest surface and bawled her eyes out.
*********
"What's wrong? You love pasta!" Danny tilted his head in a confused manner.
"I'm nauseous."
"Why?"
Because I feel guilty. So incredibly guilty.
"Sinus headache, probably. Or-or dizziness."
Danny frowned, knowing how much she hated being dizzy. "I'm sorry—"
"I'm sorry!" She repeated almost angrily. "Everybody's sorry. Everyone acts like I'm going to explode any minute. Everyone acts like I'm emotionally unstable! And why?! All because I lost our baby. Me. I did that. And they think that's going to make my head explode! I'm not... some emotionally disturbed person or something!"
It took a minute for the surprise to wear off. He wasn't expecting her to bring up her still birth.
"You didn't—" Danny tried softly, only to be cut off again.
"Yes I did! She was in my womb, in my body. I lost her. I- I killed her!"
"No!" He yelled, getting her attention. "Don't say that! You didn't kill anyone. It just happened."
"Things happen for a reason, Danny! They don't just happen. So tell me again how it's my fault. How I must've done something wrong. How my- my... carelessness- or whatever it was!- killed our daughter!"
"Shut up! Stop it, Linda. Stop it." He pulled his seat closer to her and held onto her upper arms. "You didn't do anything wrong. You gotta believe me, Linda. You just gotta!"
"But I don't," she whispered, swallowing the tears.
"But you have to."
"I can't just flip a switch!" She stood up and walked a few paces away from him, turning her back to him. She rubbed her forehead then held her arm out to her side and let it fall in frustration. "Let's not let it ruin our lives! I can't do that, Danny!"
"I know you can't. I know. And I don't expect you to," his voice was softer now, in volume and in tone. "I don't want you to do that."
"Then why do you want from me?"
"I want you to stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault, sweetheart, and it never will be." He stood and walked to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Please stop blaming yourself, Linda. You didn't cause it."
She swallowed, "will you still love me?"
"Always," he kissed the back of her head. And, trying to get her to smile, he quoted a New Kids On the Block song. "I'll be loving you forever."
He couldn't tell if the sound she made was a sob or a snort of laughter. But she turned around and hugged him tightly.
"Thank you," she whispered. "I'll be loving you forever too."
"Good," he kissed her forehead and held her until the tears stopped.
