TW for talks of stillbirth
*******
When Linda saw Jack with Nicky that morning before church, she grabbed Danny's hand.
"What's wrong?"
"N-nothing. Just... nothing."
"Linda, what's wrong?" There was no room for ignoring him in his tone.
"I... I saw Jack with Nicky, and I immediately wanted to cry. I still want to cry. It's just.... It's going to be so hard, watching them with their daughter. Be-because we could've had that. We did have that, and then...."
Danny licked his lips, "I can't ... shield you from Erin, Jack, and Nicky—"
"I know," she interrupted him.
He was secretly relieved, because he wasn't sure where he was going with that thought. "Will you be okay then?"
"No. But I'm going to have to be."
It was hard for Linda to concentrate during church. She kept hearing a fussy Nicky, and she couldn't help but wish it was her ducking out of the service with her daughter, instead of Erin with Nicky.
~~~~~~~~
Danny passed Ella over to Linda. "She's probably hungry," he whispered.
Linda nodded, standing and grabbing the diaper bag by her feet. She walked back into the fellowship hall, not embarrassed this time. All the times she had to rush back her during her pregnancy because of stupid morning sickness was so embarrassing. Now she felt almost proud having to walk back here.
Ella did, in fact, want to eat. Linda had the blanket to cover her just in case someone came through. She fondly watched her baby— her little miracle who shouldn't have survived being born that early— nurse. Ella was so incredibly precious, with Danny's soft, warm eyes and Linda's nose and smile.
"I'm going to protect you forever," Linda whispered to the baby. "Come hell or high water, I'll always be there for you. Always."
~~~~~~~~
Linda bit her lip hard to keep herself from crying. She wasn't going to cry during the service. She wasn't going to be jealous.
It's not jealousy, Linda, she told herself, it's grief. Don't belittle it.
She took Danny's hand, hoping his thumb rubbing against her skin would be enough of a distraction.
Danny squeezed her hand three times, and leaned closer to her. He whispered, "I love you."
"I love you too," she whispered back, scooting a little closer to him. She wished she could sit in his lap, holding him impossibly close to her, but they were in church.
********
"We can stay home, if you want," Danny tentatively told his wife before they were due to leave for his parents' house. "Everyone would understand."
Linda only shook her head, "S'okay."
"You sure? You seemed pretty down during church."
She nodded. It would do her good to see family. Maybe they'd make her smile and laugh; they tended to do that, even if it was accidental. And either way, she had to get used to seeing Jack, Erin, and Nicky together.
"Okay."
**********
As soon as Linda saw Jack and Erin with Nicky, tears welled in her eyes. She couldn't let the family see her cry, so she turned around and fled the room.
The family watched as Linda fled. "What happened?" Jamie asked.
Danny shrugged as the front door slammed. He didn't say anything as he turned out of the room to follow Linda. As he stepped outside, he saw her in the car. He sighed quietly before descending the stairs and walking out to the car. He got in the driver's side and didn't say a word. Linda's sobs were heartbreaking.
He put a hand on her shoulder, "oh, Linda, I'm so sorry."
"I know!" She yelled, jerking away from him. "I know! Everybody is sorry. And I'm so f***ing sick of hearing it! If someone says sorry one more time, I'm gonna have a heart attack."
He didn't exactly know what to say to that. So he simply said, "get out."
Linda lifted her head and sniffed, tears still streaming down her face. So this was it. This was when he chose to tell her he wanted out. How considerate.
"Let's get in the back." When her confused look didn't change, he clarified, "I can't hold you in the front seat, can I?"
She shook her head, "no."
"That's right. So let's go back there until you feel better."
I'm never going to feel better, Linda thought bitterly but didn't say. She only got in the back— which didn't have the seat up— and laid down. She faced Danny, and he held her tightly.
He rubbed her back and kissed her head, "it's going to be okay, Linda. You'll be okay. You'll be okay."
"What if I won't?"
"You will, you will. In time," he wasn't sure if he was saying that just to her, or to the both of them.
"How long?"
"I can't answer that, baby. But I know you will be."
"How do you know? How can you be so sure?"
"Linda?"
When he didn't say anything more, she lifted her head to look at him quizzically.
Danny gave her a reassuring kiss, "trust me on this, okay? We're going to take it one day at a time. We have each other."
"And as long as we have that, we'll always get by," Linda finished, tears subsiding.
"That's right. Now just take some breaths to calm down and we'll go back inside. I'll make sure you get extra dessert."
She smiled, closing her eyes. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he rubbed her back again, then gave her a little squeeze.
"No, I mean thank you. Thank you for taking care of me. For letting me grieve the way I need to."
"Of course, baby. You're welcome. I'm always going to be here for you, look out for you."
"I know." She kissed his shoulder, "and I'll be here for you too."
"I know.... I love you," Danny said emphatically.
"I love you more."
"I love you most. And we will get through this."
"We will," Linda repeated, no questioning tone this time. This time it was firm, it was (something), it was like she finally believed it.
