2:56 AM || Wilmon Fanfic || Young Royals

Chapter 1

"I hope you have a nice Christmas."

These words ring in my head. Why am I so stupid? Why do I have to be royal? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be with Simon. It's been almost a month since I left Hillerska. And god I miss him. I don't blame him for being mad at me but, "I hope you have a nice Christmas"? Who says that after someone tells them that they love them? God, why am I like this?

My room feels lonelier now, even though it's always been lonely. But now Erik is dead, and Simon hates me. And August. Don't get me started on him. He betrayed me and Erik. The only company I have now is my mom and dad, who put me in this position, and Felice who texts me every once in a while to check up on me. I don't get why. I rejected her and she still wants to be my friend. I'm not complaining though. At least someone wants to be my friend.

She's the only one who hasn't said anything about me being "gay". I don't actually know if I'm fully gay or bisexual or whatever. I don't think I'm fully gay. I wish Simon would talk to me, maybe he could help me figure this out. Everyone else thinks I'm weird for liking guys. Even the girls, which if you think about it they like guys too so they could understand why I like guys but I know it's different.

I know that if Erik was here he would support me. Maybe not on the drug and alcohol use but he would support the fact that I like who I like. And that is Simon. I hope he's okay. I know that I hurt him, but what choice did I have? The Prince of Sweden being gay would get a lot of attention from the media, and not the good kind.

I'm too young for this. Simon is too young for this. We are all too young for this.

I wish I could apologize to him, or just to see him again. That would make me feel better. Maybe it would make him feel better. But I'm not allowed to go see him. Trust me, I've tried. And maybe he wouldn't want to see my face. I don't want to see my face either. It's the face of a monster.

I'm a monster. I hurt him. Only monsters hurt the ones they love.

My head hurts all the time now. Maybe it's from the mess I've started, or from pulling my hair. or from hitting it. Maybe it's from the anxiety. Maybe it's from the lack of sleep. I don't know anymore. I've stayed up all night looking at mine and Simon's texts. That can't be healthy. I told Felice that I was already asleep.

I lied to her. I guess that's all I'm good for now. First, I lied to Simon telling him that we would go through it together. Then, to the public. I told them it wasn't me. It was. And now I'm lying to the one friend I have.

Like a monster.

My bed feels cold. The only time I truly slept in a warm bed was when I slept with Simon. That was the nicest sleep I've ever had. And maybe the nicest sleep I'll ever get. I wonder how he's sleeping. I hope his bed is warm. Even if I'm not there.

The darkness overtakes my room. I don't come out of here very often. That worried my dad, my mom was more worried about what the public thought since I wasn't appearing publicly anymore. How could I? The last time I've spoken to the public was when I denied it was me in the tape. I wish I could take it back. I've thought about saying that I was a liar and that it is me in the tape. But I can't. I don't think that would make Simon happier. But I won't know.

The most I know of Simon is what Felice tells me. I asked her to ask Sara to check on him. I don't get updated much. From what I know, he's doing okay. But okay is such a broad term. It could be in a bad way or a good way. He hasn't posted on his social media either. I'm worried about him.

I'll get to see him after the new year, which gives me my only motivation. I just want to see him smile again. Like the smile after we went to Rosh's football game. Or the smile he had the morning after I was high as hell.

I wish that I could get high again. That made me feel calm, in a sense. The only way I think I would be able to is if I asked August for some. But I'm not talking to him. Not after what he did to Simon and me. I guess I could get drunk. There's hundreds of thousands of dollars in alcohol in the palace. I probably will get wasted on New Years. I'll have an excuse then. But I don't now. My parents don't think I have an excuse for anything, such as locking myself in my room. They think I'm being selfish. And I probably am. I'm good at being selfish. The royals are good at being selfish. I guess it's in my blood.

The bed hasn't warmed up at all. It feels lonely still. The only thing harder than sleeping alone is sleeping with the ghost of Simon. I miss him so much. I can't do it on my own. And I guess I'm not technically on my own, if I'm counting Felice. But still. I miss being in his arms. I miss being held. I miss him, and the smell of him, and his purple hoodie, and that one beanie he loves. I miss all of him. Missing him only makes the bed colder.

I guess I deserve it. I did bring this upon myself. I wish I didn't, but I did. I hate the fact that I did so much. I hate myself, just a little. I hate August, and the fact that he did this. I hate my mom, for making me lie. I hate Erik, for leaving me. Why did Erik leave? Why did anyone leave? Why did I leave? I left Simon. I could have tried to say, but I didn't. I didn't try. I should have tried but I didn't. Why didn't I?

"I hope you have a nice Christmas."

This is what happened because I didn't try. He didn't tell me he loved me because I didn't try hard enough. I didn't try harder enough to show him I love him. And now maybe I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I hope I'm able to. But who knows now?

Christmas was hard. Mainly because of those seven words. How could I have a nice Christmas? Not only did that make it harder, but it was my first Christmas without Erik. It'll never feel the same now. I wonder how his Christmas was.

*****

A/N: OMG!!! first chapter is done! what do you guys think of it??? I hope you guys liked it. the next chapter will be in Simon's perspective so get ready!!! also serious question: should I make the chapters longer? this one is 1210 words not counting the a/n. if so it'll probably take longer to come out. if you guys say yes the next chapter will be the same length as this one and the rest will be about 2k to 2.5k words. I hope you guys liked the first chapter. also the song is literally perfect so thank you 'codyzbiggestfan' for telling me about it!