Sharks

39- Reflection

I gripped the edge of the sink.

This was a bad idea. A very very very bad idea.

I was alone in the hotel room. Ana was with Ronan and her friends.

I told Ana I was tired.

I lied to her.

I lied to her and I hated myself for it.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess.

My hair was down. Ana had done it for me this morning, I took it down as soon as I was in the hotel room.

My shirt was gone. Love is love is love was written on the front of it. It hadn't made it to the hotel room.

The little flags Ana had drawn on my face were long gone. They were just gray smudges now.

I felt like I was living a lie.

I looked at the scars on my wrist. Somehow that felt like a better time to me.

At least everything made sense then. I knew what I was and I knew that was bad.

Now I was married to a woman, who I loved more than anything. I knew there was nothing wrong with me.

But why did some part of me still feel that way?

I looked back in the mirror. I could see my teenage self. I could hear her voice whispering I'm a monster.

I'm a monster. I'm an abomination. I'm a disgusting creature. A mistake. A problem that needs to be fixed. A disgrace.

I let out a small sob. I didn't want to think those things anymore. I didn't want to be those things.

I stared at my gun on the counter.

The gun I used to shoot Ana's parents. The gun that I used to defend the woman I love.

Ironically, the same gun that my father had given me for my sixteenth birthday.

I picked it up at stared at it. It was the only real birthday present my father had ever given me.

I smiled at it. The only real present my father had given me.

And I used it to shoot my brother, and protect a relationship he hated.

"Rosa?" I jumped at Ronan's voice.

I stared at him blankly for a second. I didn't like Ana seeing me like this, I definitely didn't want him seeing me this way.

"Can you give me that?" He motioned to the gun in my hands. His voice was weirdly soft, almost like he was trying to calm me down.

I turned away from him. "What the fuck? No. How'd you get in here?"

He nodded towards the bedroom. "Ana." He was still holding his hand out. "Gun, please."

"Ana?" I set the gun on the counter and pushed past Ronan.