"I don't want to live in the city," I blurt it out when the waiter walks away. It was best to be straight to forward. After hugging and crying for what felt like hours we finally left the parking lot and went to get lunch. I felt like I was overstepping. I couldn't just ask them to leave their lives for me. I didn't want to be away from them but I liked it here.
A look of understanding washes over his face, "But I know you guys love it there. I just—I like it here. I could get an apartment by myself or something. I've been doing well. I have a job and Kevin—"
"Kevin?" He stops drinking his water. His eyes narrow a bit. I hold back a laugh.
"He's my coworker and he's like thirty," I almost laugh because if Kevin heard me say that he would go on a rant about how he's definitely not that old.
"Well, we don't have to live in the city," He shrugs like it's no big deal.
"I don't want you—any of you to uproot your lives for me. You already did so much and I know Cameron has so many friends and Rylie loves his school and Chase—"
"We moved last year."
Feels like water rushes in my ears.
"What?"
"We moved. We're about thirty minutes away from here give or take depending on the day and the traffic. Carters across the country for most of the year and honestly it was Cameron's idea. Rylie had no objections. Chase can fly out whenever he needs," I struggle to make words. They moved to be closer to me. In anticipation for when I left Watkins. They all knew I wouldn't want to be there anymore—in the city. It held too many bad memories. Too much pain.
"Your job? I mean you love it."
"I think you and I both know I don't have to work and I already have something lined up at a very good firm out here."
"Derrick—" There were words weighing in my mind that I didn't know how to say, "She's buried there," I whisper it out like it was forbidden to say. Like I was forbidden to even mention her.
He does that thing where he looks up the ceiling. A smile crosses his face it's sad. It always is but this time not so much and then his eyes are focused on me, "I think she'd understand better than anyone why we had to move," I feel a lump forming in my throat. If I cried anymore I'd dry out.
They were willing to leave it all behind. The city. Their mom. His wife. For me. A girl they had only known for a year. I guess if I counted the time I was gone it would be two and some change. I couldn't object and I must've looked at a loss for words. Derrick places his hand over my mine and rubs a circle on knuckles.
"I love you, Aaron. So whatever you want. Whatever you need. I'll do it. All of us—we'd do anything for you," I clenched my jaw so tight it gives me headache and when the waiter brings our appetizers I felt embarrassed to be holding back sobs like an idiot in my seat. Derrick thanks him with a smile and then he's got his attention back on me.
Love.
It used to think it didn't mean anything. I thought it was out of reach. It felt like such a mocking word. It was the one thing I didn't have. It was the one thing I thought I would never get. I used to think I was incapable of being loved. I would think how could someone love me knowing what happened to me. How many times. How could someone love me when I wouldn't let them in. How could someone love me when I so used and scarred and had such an armor on it was impenetrable.
I would think maybe the foster families could tell how unlovable I was. Maybe the men could see just how lonely and displaced I was. That's why they did it. They did it because they knew no one would want me. Not romantically. Not platonically. No one was ever going to love me so they took all the love I could've had for myself out. They replaced it with such a thick tar of self hatred, self loathing, and doubt.
