Famille

session 3

Mr. Phoenix thought it would be good for me to go to therapy. I thought so too. I had to drag myself out of bed and put on whatever I thought was clean. The sweatpants I was wearing were two sizes too large and the hoodie was practically swallowing me. I cover my head and tighten the draw strings. I know I looked awful and I didn't want anyone to tell me so.

Destiny had been dead for a week and three days. I was slowly coming to terms with that fact. I couldn't let myself sulk forever even though I wanted to. She wouldn't want me to do that. She'd probably slap my arm while saying 'Ronnie, you can't stay sad. I hate seeing you like that.' It was simple but she always said it.

Mr. Phoenix and I spend the drive in silence. I was curled up in the front seat. He didn't protest the incorrect and unsafe sitting position. He just drove more cautiously than usual. Whenwe arrive he hands me my phone and tells me to text him when I'm done. I take it gingerly and put it in pocket.

Jane's house smelled different. It smelled of vanilla and something a little spicy. We sit in our usual spots and I stare at the table until she speaks.

"How are you today, Aaron?"

I sigh, "Still grieving."

"My condolences," I never understood how to answer that. Saying thank you felt wrong in my opinion and anything else felt rude. I just give her a nod, "Were you two close?"

I nod, "Yeah. She was a close friend. My only friend really."

"Did you attend her funeral?"

I look at the ground and shake my head, "I just couldn't. I mean she wouldn't be in the casket but I just...I just didn't want it to be real at that time. It was too soon."

Jane nods her head, "And now? Does it still feel unreal?"

"Unfortunately, no. I'm coming to terms with it. She wouldn't want me to mourn forever. She hated seeing me sad."

Jane gives me a small smile, "It's very admirable that you've taken this into your own hands. Not many people can after suffering a loss."

I nod appreciatively.

"Would you like to speak about it more?"

"Not really no."

"That's alright. So, last time we were here we were doing an exercise."

I bite down on the side of my lip, "Right."

"Would you be okay with continuing?"

You need this.

"Sure."

"Good. So, last time we picked the word ugly..."

"I really don't want to dwell on that. I'm an insecure teenager. I think I'm ugly. I gotta work on self love and whatever."

She writes something down, "That's quite alright. We can move on," she pulls out the other index cards from a folder, "I want you to choose another."

I hesitantly reach a hand out and flip one over. Whore. I look at the ground.

"That's a very strong word," Jane comments while writing something down.

"It's true."

"Why do you say that?"

I clench my fist. My nails dig into my palm, "Because."

"Because what, Aaron?"

I feel my throat tighten. Flashes of certain moments in my life flicker through my mind. A muscle in my jaw jumps, "Don't make me say it."

"I can't make you say anything, Aaron."

I wet my lips, "I...," I try to look for a word, "I was promiscuous."

She scribbles in her note pad, "Go on."

"I don't know what else to say."

She looks at me somberly, "Let me ask you this, was it by choice or by force?"

I swallowed, "F-force."

"Take your time, Aaron."

I take a deep breath in. This would be the first step in healing. I had to do this. Losing destiny had made realize that my life could be gone within a blink of an eye. If were to die I would hate to be harboring such ill feelings inside. I wasn't that big on religion but I did believe our souls didn't really leave. I was a firm believer in ghosts and spirits and I would hate to live my afterlife just as bitter and melancholic as I was alive.

"I've been ... I was ... People--men--they have a-assaulted me. Sexually."

"Do you want to talk further?"

I grip the arms of the seat I was in and nod, "I probably could have--"

"Stop right there. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. You did not ask for that."

"I know but I--"

"No. Listen to me, Aaron. Rape is never. Ever. The victims fault. Ever. At no time, no matter the circumstances you did not ask for it."

"But sometimes I didn't say anything either," I murmur.

"How old were you, Aaron, just tell me that."

"This age and younger."

"And how old were they?"

"Thirty and up."

"Those men are pedophiles. Child molesters. They took advantage of you because of the situation you were in. You couldn't give consent even if you did by law. They had no right to do any of that. I wanna you to say it. It's not my fault."

She stares me down but I just couldn't say it.

"I had so many chances I could have said something. I could have ran away..."

"Aaron--"

"Maybe if I weren't so stupid it wouldn't have happened. I had so many chances where I could have fought harder or...or screamed louder I could have ran away sooner. I saw the way they would look at me and I would just sit there frozen when they would touch me and...and...and...now I'm..."

I was hyperventilating. It was like everything decided to hit me at once. The hands. The voices. The gazes. I could faintly hear Jane trying to talk to me down. She succeeds after what seems like an hour. She places a cool glass of water in front of and I gulp it down hoping she understands that I was very thankful for it.

She speaks to me while I calm down and tells me the first steps to healing are for me to first understand that it wasn't my fault. She tells me once I believe it myself this process could possibly go smoother. We end the session. I was in no state to carry on and we were already closing in on an hour of overtime.

She dismisses me saying that I have to start saying the words in my head. To say it out loud. Write it somewhere I'd always see it.

I didn't think any of that would make me believe it.