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I didn't sleep that night. Or the next two nights after that. Slumber wouldn't come. It seemed as though every time I closed my eyes I'd see Steven. He always came at night. When Holly was sleeping. He'd creep into the room. Sit at the edge of the bed. And he'd touch. His hands would glide across my skin. His fingers would and tug at the fabric of my shorts. The tank tops. Exploring is what he called it.
He deserved his thanks is what he would say. That's what they all would say. They said it as if they didn't think I knew what was going on. I wasn't a child. Still, he explored. First it was over the clothes then it was under. Then day by day his hands would go lower. My body would go stiffer. Pleas muted by rough hands over my mouth. Threats to kick me out. I should have taken the alternative but going back to Saint Mary's wasn't an option.
There was nothing "saint" like about it. The woman in her fifties seemed nice enough. Porcelain skin. Wearing her long skirts. The shirts that barely showed her skin. Minimal makeup. Behind closed doors she was a trafficker. A pimp. Using the girls to get the money she said the government owed her. So, I endured Steven. I let him explore. It was better to let one person do it then multiple.
By the time I started living with the Stevens I was used to it. It was always the same routine. The same kind of men. Married to women who either didn't give it up enough or were giving it to someone else. Women they hated. Men who wanted to satisfy their fetish. Foster "brothers" who were home for college. Nice at the start, demanding during the middle, horrid at the end. Then I was gone.
I liked it, they say. I wanted it. My body reacted. I didn't say no. I couldn't say no while a hand was muffling my voice. I couldn't say no while my face was pressed into a mattress. Can't say no through the tears. Can't say no when I'm frozen. Can't say no when I know they won't listen. Can't say no when my body reacts. I must have liked it. Wanted it.
Kelly knocked on the door regularly to bring me breakfast and dinner. Most of the older boys left during the day. Whether it was to hang around the block or for summer school. The younger ones had to be accompanied by one of the volunteers. I stayed in. I don't even think they know I'm here. I'd like to keep it that way. A knock resounds through the door like routine. It was half past ten and I knew Kelly would be coming to bring me the mornings meal.
Today it was pancakes with two sausages and what must have a spoonful of scrambled eggs. I only ate a little bit not feeling very hungry and pancakes weren't my favorite thing in the world. Syrup made my teeth hurt. Kelly sits on the bed opposite me eyeing my plate with a little frown on her face.
The pregnancy had her hormones all over the place.
Yesterday we talked. Well, she talked. About how things went when she told Kevin--her fiancée--about the pregnancy. Her eyes were like Christmas tress. Brightly lit. Exciting. She says he cried. Then fainted. Woke up and cried again. He was already preparing their nursery. They were planning to move to a more suburban area for the baby. She says she'd like a girl. Kevin wants a girl as well. He says he feels it is.
