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"Aaron, How are you?"
"Fine, all things considered."
Jane looked at me the way she always did. Inquisitively. The way a therapist was supposed to, "How far along are you?"
I bite the inside of my cheek and begin to fidget with the sleeves of my sweater, "I don't know," and that was the truth maybe right now i was about three possibly four months in. I couldn't be sure.
She writes something down and nods.
"Derrick hugged me."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure."
"Aaron..."
"I don't know a few weeks ago we had a dinner and things were said by me because I just felt irritated and I went to him afterwards to apologize because I felt bad and I don't know...he just hugged me. Maybe he could tell I was stressed or something."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"I let him. I let him hug me. A man. I let him make physical contact and didn't flinch."
"Do you feel safe with Derrick?"
"Yes."
Jane's eyebrows shoot upwards at the quickness of my answer and it surprises me as well but I can't take it back. It was the truth it had only been about 3 months but I felt safe. Safe with Derrick. Safe with his sons. They didn't make me feel nervous. They didn't make me feel unwanted. They didn't make me feel like I had to sleep with one eye open or watch over my shoulder.
"I didn't hug him back or anything but I actually let him hug me."
I keep saying it cause I can't believe it myself.
"Why not?"
I'm fidgeting again.
"I don't know. I just...couldn't."
"Do you think it's because of you're fear of getting close to people especially in the system knowing that at any moment it can be ripped away from you? or because you're so used to things not working out for you your waiting for the ball to drop because it's too good to be true right?"
Jane stares at me awaiting a answer i'm sure she already knows. I swallow roughly not wanting to say the words out loud. I am afraid. Afraid of both things. I'd rather live in a bubble where I believe everything's alright and I'm going to stay with them forever rather than a bleak reality where this is all temporary and sooner rather than later i'll be back to where I started.
"I guess it's both but I know you already know that."
"I think it's important that you tell Derrick you feel safe in his home."
I nod.
"Anything else? We've still got about fifteen minutes left."
"Not really."
"You sure?" I could see the questions swirling in her eyes.
