The Blind Artist (Frerard MCR Fanfic)

Chapter 27

*A/N: Just want to say thank you for all the well wishes, a week on I am feeling better but still feel sick, and I ache too. But I have managed to write a chapter but I'm sorry if it isn't any good. Anyway here it is and another should be posted later. Thank you for every vote, read and comment, please do enjoy the next chapters. Oh and dedicated to Sadghostgirl who got 'Brother' right in Chapter 19/20? Xx

Chapter 27

Dear Gee,

I'm leaving. I'm sorry this is the first thing you hear when you wake up, but it's for the best. Or so I'm telling myself that.

The truth is you won't need me anymore, once you realise how weak and pathetic I am, how I'm just a kid. I thought I was ready for the responsibility of caring for someone else again but I wasn't. I don't think I ever will be.

One day I asked my father what he was grateful for and he said the little swirly pink and blue rainbow that you sometimes find in a puddle after it rains.

"That." he had pointed to the giant puddle down below in the hospital parking lot. "See that cool color swirly in the puddle? I want to go outside and mess it up, and make the swirly swirl in the other way. How does it look like a rainbow? Is the rain in that puddle pink? I want to be a duck so I can fly outside the hospital and play in that pink swirly in the puddle"

And he told me, he was grateful knowing that he had loved and he had lived.

So I want you to live, I love you, but I love you enough to leave in hopes that you see the colours in a puddle, you see the stars in the sky and the way the sun looks through the branches of a cherry blossom tree. You don't need me anymore.

This is the most stupid thing I've ever done, please be angry with me, hate me, forget me and curse me. I deserve it. I told you I would just hurt you and I did.

Just remember you can live without me, you must define your life. You have to be the last and final word of what your fulfilling life looks like. Outside validation is a prison you will live inside forever if you do not break that cycle. Nobody needs to live inside your life except you. You damn well better like what you've created. You damn well better enjoy who you are. It doesn't matter if anyone likes you or loves you or thinks you're worth big things or big dreams or big opportunities because, unless you see those parts of yourself, too, you will sabotage it. You will fuck it up. If you do not believe you are worth a big life, how could you ever enjoy it if you get it? If you don't even know-for yourself-what a big life looks like, how will you know when you have it?

The only way to affirm your life is for you to affirm it. The only way your life can be big or interesting or adventurous or filled with love is if you can recognize when it is. You can only recognize these things when you know what they look like. And, if you're too busy scrambling around for the admiration of others, you have no idea how to create your own life for yourself. You can create the vision of someone else's beautiful life or you can become aware of your own vision. One road leads to a never-ending cycle of needing the love of others to feel loved. The other allows you freedom to be and expand and define for yourself what makes you happy about your life.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say. Not when I don't know how to say it. Not how the way your hair looks in the morning all ruffled and sticking up everywhere. Or the way your eyes are like honey pots, small globes that have hints of gold and honey suckle. The way your soft fingertips feel against my imperfect scarred and tarnished skin, it's indescribable how that makes me feel and how you made me fall in love. Oh so deep in love.

But now I must set you free, I'm being selfish and I'm setting myself free too. Freedom is not a place. It's not a shedding of responsibility or people or work or anything like that. It's inside you. You can either imprison yourself to the mind of a world that will continue to tell you that you are not enough and that you need to do more to prove you are more or you can free yourself.

I love you.

Yours- Frank