Always Been with You

Chapter 3

"Ako sayo'y kaibigan lamang~" biglang kanta ko, dapat sa utak ko lang yan kakantahin kaso lumabas sa bibig ko

"Oy uulan" pang aasar ni cyrus, i mean yeah di naman maganda boses ko but that will not stop me from singing

"Shhh broken kay kael yan" sabi nila jhanna, at umarte naman ako na umiiyak, bigla namang umakbay sakin si kael, katabi ko kasi, agad ko namang hiniga ang ulo ko sa shoulders niya

"Putek ang rupok mo ah" sigaw ni annie, at umakto naman akong pabebe, pero maya maya din ay tinanggal ko ang pagkaka akbay niya sakin, for sure na ngangalay na din yan, atsaka naiirita ako bigla. Lumipat na lang ako ng pwesto at pumunta sa tabi ni mark, di naman siya nag reklamo ng kunin ko ang kamay niya at inangklahan ang braso niya

"Problema mo?" Tanong niya sa akin at napa buntong hininga na lang ako ng malalim at agad na nag fake smile sa kaniya, at tumingin siya sa akin at umiling iling. He knows. Only Mark, and Ruther, knew about this... I am not mentally and emotionally stable. I experience a lot of mood swings, more than i can control, more than i am aware of. I overthink a lot, more than i can think, and I have suicidal thoughts more than I should. I have tried, but was able to save myself, however I don't know how long can I keep on saving myself.

"Is he, perhaps, your trigger?" Tanong ni mark sakin, although sometimes my moods or thoughts gets triggered by something or someone, but most of the time nasty thoughts with a nasty attitude comes in unexpectedly, i can be in the middle of hanging out with friends, i can be focusing on my studies and i can be in the middle of sleeping.

"Everyone that i genuinely love are my triggers" mahinang sabi ko, alam niya naman eh, I have valued my friends more than i should have, my friends right now are the last group of people na i will love and care for. Yes, I am aware of my differences with them, and that soon they'll all be together without me, and the soon is near, however I chose them as the last people that I will love for the rest of my life. My family is them, my blood relatives have shown me how forced they are to even take care of me, trying to guilt me with the cost of how much they have spent for me with the things I didn't choose, but they did. I don't think i have told this to anyone, but I am the result of a teenage pregnancy, I am an accident, and my blood relatives did not forget to remind me of that every single day of my life. Enough with the trauma dump, I'm currently in peace, now that I am this close with mark, his warmth make me feel at peace.

"Do I trigger you?" Tanong niya at hindi ako sumagot, hindi ko din sasabihin sa kaniya na isa siya sa nagpapakalma sa akin, kahit andyan lang siya at walang gawin, basta nasa literal na tabi ko siya, kakalma na ako. Syempre di ko sasabihin sa kaniya yan, kasi iisipin niya na siya ang safe haven ko, at iisipin niya na baka may mangyari sakin habang wala siya sa tabi ko, edi naging pabigat pa ako, may problema din namang kinakaharap yung tao, makikidagdag pa ako, wag na lang.

"Yes you do, but you must never think that its your fault, kasi I'm wired inside differently." Yan na lang sinabi ko, baka mag isip pa ng kung ano ano toh bigla pa akong layuan, edi napa aga ending nitong story ko. Pinat niya naman ang ulo ko at pinaglaruan ang hair ko, And then i fell asleep.

"Hoy gising na, lunch break na, uuwi ka ba?" Tanong ni mark habang dinudutdot ang pisnge ko, wait mark? Bakit parang nag iba boses niya? Dahan dahan ko namang inangat ang ulo ko at kinusot kusot ang mata ko bago ko siya harapin, nagulat na lang ako ng makita ko na si kael pala ang gumigising sa akin, inirapan ko naman siya agad at uminom ng tubig

"Di ako uuwi" sabi ko sa kaniya, may sasabihin pa ata siya sa akin ng biglang dumating tong mang iiwan na si mark

"Tagal mo gumising, bumili na ako lunch natin" sabi niya sa akin at nilagay niya yung pagkain namin sa table namin at tumingin naman siya kay kael