Nalate kami ni mark ng gising kaya eto nag mamadali kaming mag ayos parehas, buti na lang wala talaga kaming pinag gagawa. Agad naman kaming tumakbo papasok, grabe tumakbo talaga kami pati paakyat ng hagdan, parehas tuloy kaming hingal na hingal ng mapatigil kami sa pinto, nag hamon pa kasi ng paunahan kanina, badtrip. Napatingin naman ako sa loob ng room kasi ang tahimik nila, lahat pala sila napatingin sa amin, medyo napa irap naman ako at pumasok na lang. Good thing i like getting attention.
"Center of attention ka na, honey" bulong ni mark at hinampas ko naman siya at parehas kaming natawa habang pumupunta sa pwesto namin, kaso may problema, ang seating arrangement namin is katabi ko si kael, eh ayoko tumabi dun, baka di lang ako makapag timpi. Eh kaso may katabi si mark
"Uwi na lang kaya ako?" Bulong ko kay mark, napa smirk naman siya at lumapit siya ng sobra sakin, at bumulong sakin
"Lagay mo na lang bag mo dun, dito tayo sa likod sa sahig" bulong niya sa tenga ko, grabe sobrang lapit niya sa akin, feeling ko namumula ako sa ginawa niya, agad naman akong pumunta sa upuan ko at ibinaba ang bag ko dun, kinuha ko muna ang phone ko
"Scar" rinig ko tawag ni kael sa akin pero di ko siya pinansin, kahit pag tingin sa kaniya ay hindi ko ginawa, agad naman akong pumunta sa pinaka likod at umupo sa sahig, agad din namang sumunod sakin si mark.
"Alam mo ikaw lang ata nakakakita sakin" sabi ko kay mark at humiga ako sa lap niya, pinaglaruan naman niya ang buhok ko at ngumiti sa akin
"Nakikita ka din naman nila, hindi lang talaga ikaw yung gusto nila makita." Sabi niya at literal na naka ramdam ako ng sakit sa dibdib ko, parang gusto ko siyang sapakin, kasi sobrang totoo ng sinabi niya in so many ways.
"Honey, You always give your best to everyone, you care for them the way you wanted to be cared for, you love them unconditionally, you give them what you can, all your time is dedicated for them... you do all that to them, specially to the person you like... but you see, they want that, they all want that, they wanna experience that, but not from you, they want it from the person they like, so you'll never be appreciated by them. Your best will always go unnoticed, unappreciated and invisible." Sabi niya kinuha ko naman ang isa niyang kamay at ipinantakip ito sa mga mata ko, hindi ako naiiyak, oo sobrang sakit ng mga sinabi niya, sinabi ko na din yan sa sarili ko, masyado akong aware sa lahat ng bagay para hindi mapansin ang mga ganyan. Hello, ilang beses na kaya ako nagkaruon ng crush, tapos ang ending dun siya nagka gusto sa kaibigan ko. Tipong ako na yung nasa harap niya, pero nasa likod ko pala ang gusto niya.
"Darling, I think romantic love isn't for me" sabi ko sa kaniya, siya na nga nag sabi i always give my all to whoever I like platonically and romantically, and yet none of my efforts and attentions were reciprocated, mark is the only exception. He saw me, he sees me, and he'll always see me, well that's how i want it to be, but sooner we'll be separated. That's gonna be my life.
"Hon, It Doesn't matter if it's for you or not. I'm here and I think, well I hope I'm enough for you." Sabi niya sakin at tinanggal ko ang kamay niya sa mga Mata ko at nakita ko siyang nakatingin sa akin habang nakangiti. I can't, I must never.
"I have trusted people, and only one of them is loyal and trustworthy. And not surprisingly, but still disappointing, you are not that one." Sabi ko, andito ako sa rooftop, ulit, same place, same position. After I left all the group chat I was in, a certain issue arose, a conversation of mine with a certain person was leaked, maybe not by him, but it was from his side. I don't know if it was deliberately leaked or it was an accident leaked by a blabbermouth. All I know is, He let that happen.
"Right? Ruther." Sabi ko at humarap ako sa kaniya, at ngumiti lang ako sa kaniya
"With all your overthinking, lack of self esteem, together with your kind, chill type of vibe. I was disappointed that it happened, and that it happened because of you. I thought you, of all people in our class wouldn't be involved in this kind of mess, and yet here you are." Sabi ko sa kaniya, yung messages ko sa kaniya about may attempts and self harm ay nailabas sa iba, screenshots ng convo namin ay nasend sa gc, i don't even know who sent it, but i know it was from his side, because he's the only one who knows about those things besides mark... I do not self diagnose, i don't go around people and tell them I'm depressed, that I'm unstable... why? Because, i don't know if I have that, I might be doing this on purpose or for attention. People loves to victimize theirselves, they love to be pitied, and I can't fall into that category, but then I'm still a human, so I can't exactly escape from that feelings and ways of thinking that everything's against me.
"Why are you even here? I might not own this place, but this is my space, and you know that, so what are you even doing here?" Sabi ko sa kaniya, at napa buntong hininga lang siya, at napa irap na lang ako
"Scar, pinakelaman nila yung phone ko. Hindi ako yung nag send nun sa mga gc, kung ayaw mo maniwala, sige paniwalaan mo ang gusto mong paniwalaan, ang importante nasabi ko na yung side ko." Sabi niya at napangiti naman ako sa kaniya, dahan dahan naman akong yumakap sa kaniya
"Gaslighting doesn't work on me, I saw you laughing with them while looking at those convo" bulong ko sa kaniya habang nakayakap sa kaniya, agad naman akong humiwalay sa kaniya at nag lakad na paalis.
Dumeretso naman agad ako kay mark, si mark na lang naman ang matatakbuhan ko. Ng makita ko siya ay agad naman akong tumakbo papunta sa kaniya at niyakap siya. Agad din naman niya ako niyakap pabalik at hinimas ang likod ko.
"Hon? Why? Anong nangyare?" Takang tanong niya sa akin habang nakayakap pa rin siya sa akin, agad ko namang kinuha ang nail cutter ko sa bulsa ko at sadyang sinugatan ang daliri ko gamit yun, agad ko namang pinasok sa ilong ko ang daliri ko na iyon bago tumulo ang dugo, humiwalay naman ako sa kaniya sa yakap ng biglang nanghina ang tuhod ko at muntikan na ako matumba, buti na lang nasalo ako ni mark. Nakita ko naman na may papalpit na teacher samin at agad kong tinago ang kanay ko may sugat.
"Hey what happened, are you ok--, oh my gosh your nose is bleeding" tarantang sabi ng teacher na napadaan at tinignan naman ako ni mark at nagulat din siya sa nakita niya
"Naku ijo, dalhin mo na sa clinic yan" sabi samin nung teacher at agad akong binuhat ni mark papuntang clinic at sumunod samin ang teacher.
"Naku Ine, bigyan mo na ng permission slip yan para maka uwi na, bigyan mo na din yang kasama niya, baka dito pa mahimatay yan nako delikado" sabi ng teacher at medyo natawa ko sa situation ko, i mean pinapauwi agad ako kasi di nila kaya na dito pa may mangyare sakin, although kaya ko din naman ginawa yung mga yun para maka uwi na ako dahil di ko kayang mag tagal dito. Matapos ang ilang tanong, at test test kuno, ay agad na kaming pinauwi, syempre dun pa rin ako sa bahay ni mark.
"Darling, Sorry, it was all planned. Everything went according to my plan" sabi ko sa kaniya while giving my words a second meaning, i did certain things that led to most of the things that happened to me this past few days
"Hon, You never trusted them, I know. You created a whole ass story, for them to buy and spread, and they did. They bit your bait. I'm scared of you, but i really really love you, so now I also love how manipulative you are. But if you're talking about harming yourself, just to go home, I'll never talk to you again if you do that again." Sabi niya sa akin at niyakap ko lang siya, andito na kasi kami sa kwarto niya parehas kaming nakahiga, naka cellphone siya habang nilalagyan ko ng bandaid yung sugat ko.
Yung pinag uusapan namin, is about sa lahat ng stories at drama na sinabi ko sa kanila ruther. I am mentally unstable, but I never really told them, or ruther what I have or what I really feel, and from the beginning I knew there was something like this that would happen, so I made it look like I'm oversharing all kinds of things to ruther, who will then tell the other group members even if I specifically told him not to tell anyone. I did tell him about my self harming but I created a whole new background from it, my reasons for it. I basically told them a story where I am this, super unstable person, who doesn't have a plan, and can't even hold himself up, and someone who overshare all things about him. Well, I am mentally unstable, but I'm also the God of my own world, i have plans for everything that involves me. They now will spread those screenshots and information, and then I win, I get the attention I wanted, some of them might pity me, or laugh at me, but then I still get attentions. I might be a narcissist who has depression and anxiety, and those combination will soon break me up. I can't let myself trust anyone too much, give out informations about me too much. I did love them, i cared for them, but i will never trust them with my life, and as I've said, i have seen this betrayal arc from the very beginning.
I was the creator of the game, they didn't know they're playing.
YOU ARE READING
Always Been with You
Non-FictionBakit ba apaka taray mo sakin? Kala ko ba may gusto ka sakin? Papaakbay akbay ka pa dyan, makikipag holding hands ka pa tapos tataray tarayan mo lang ako? Diba dapat mabait ka sakin kasi gusto mo ko?" Sabi niya sa akin, hala? Problem neto? Alam kong...
