My Diary WARNING contains angry and sad themes

L word

He said the L word.....the word where you express how you really feel. The word where you should be the happiest person ever....but not me :(. He said he loves me and I don't know how to react it really freaked me out and he also wants to marry me in the future. Is it possible to be so certain about someone? I don't know why but kissing him and thinking about the future scares me. It makes me have panic attacks. The weird thing is I like him but I just cant say it. I don't know what wrong with me. I wanna punch myself. Why cant I say it? why does it freak me out so much? I don't know what wrong with me and I don't wanna ruin it. I don't wanna ruin the thing we have. I wish I can say it but I just cant. I texted it once and that's all. He makes me happy and I can be myself around him. But this is all so new to me. I don't know if I'm doing things right? Im scared he has been waiting so long for me and I just always ruin it. He asked to be my boyfriend and I said no and that i'm not ready. I don't even know what we are to be honest. We are taking this slow but I don't know how he can do this anymore. We have known each other for 4 years. I know he is head over heels for me and in love with me. What is wrong with me. I hate myself for putting him through this and he just says he waits for me. He is literally the kindest guy i've ever met. He makes me laugh so hard. And he is such a dork. Why am I like this. I don't know how to explain this any better than I already did. I know we aren't moving fast and he was so bold tonight. He actually kissed me and said he loved me and also cuddled with me. That never really happened and I just cant do it. I try to say it and nothing comes out.