My Diary WARNING contains angry and sad themes

Why did you do it?

You know sometimes i wish whattpad had a feature to see who read your book because in my case it would be really helpful. Listen when you read the title you might of figured out what this chapter was about. You also might know that im talking to you in a book. Im not going to say your name and i even dont know if your reading this but i just want to know. Why? Why did you do it? i thought we were fine and apparently i was not good enough for you or even knew that you put this fake smile on and had so much going on in your life. Sure i knew some things but I guess i didn't know everything. I still remember everything you said to me that night on messenger but was our friendship even real? Or was i living a fantasy? Im not trying to make you feel bad because thats the least i want you to feel. Everyday I have the same question in my mind asking my self everyday. I dont hate you and i dont think i ever will but i want you to know that what you did hurt. It hurt so freaking much everyday i tell myself im a bad person because i wasn't there for you. You know i have dreams and in them we are still friends. I trusted you so much in fact you were the only one i trusted. I know i must of did something to of made you leave and im sorry, im sorry i pushed you for meeting other people and im sorry for making you feel left out. But i guess we all have our regrets huh. To me our friendship was real not fake i wasn't friends with you because i felt pity, i wasn't friends with you because i felt left out with my other group of friends. I was friends with you because i respected you so much and you were just so fun to hang out with. I wasn't going to admit it but i wanted to be like you, i looked up to you in fact at school when i had to make a hard decision i asked myself what would you do? Now what im saying is not to hurt you but to inform you what i was thinking. In this story im admitting everything ok. Now when you did what you did after that i was really depressed, my anxiety had grown so much. And everyday i was living a war zone between my mind and myself. I contently tell myself that im a horrible human being and that i should be left alone to die and that no one deserves me. Yea i know that we dont have the same trials and you feel like i dont understand what your going through because your right i dont. But just because i didnt have the same trials as you didnt mean that i wasnt going to be there you and im not living the perfect life like you think i do because all that is a filter. I tell everyone the good things in my life not the bad things because im scared that people are going to leave me because you were not the only one. Now again im not blaming you because it take both people to turn away from each other i had a part of why we arnt friends anymore. Im still confused on what i did but like i said i really am truly sorry. Like i want you to know that im begging for your forgiveness. I still care about you even though what you did was really hurtful. This chapter is for me to get all my feeling out and to make you understand my side of the story. Because when people tell me i have a perfect life its all a filter. In reality i see myself as a ugly,fat,annoying girl that cause problems for other people and someone who has major anxiety that she cant even control and a girl that cant trust anyone because she is scared to show the real her. She is scared the one day she will have no one. She is someone who puts on diffent masks to make people like her. Her life is only an illusion.

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Hey guys i hope you enjoyed this chapter....This story was well...different and really hard to write. And yes this story is to talk to someone who made a big impact on my life. And like i said i still dont know is she reads this but my story stays here for others to read to.