I look pale. The heavy visible bags under my eyes make me feel and look disgusting. My hair is oily. My teeth aren't brushed and I feel sticky. But I couldn't care less. I don't care.
Once again, a ringing sounds.
"What?" I pick up the phone.
"Not so rude now" I hear mum's voice coming trough . "But how are you, Elany? What are you doing? Do you want me to come over?"
"It's seven in the morning"
"So? Do you have work today?" She asks.
"Logically, mom"
"How about after?"
"I'm really busy today"
She sighs. She sighs at me.
"Hey, mom, I think Azy's up now, I have to go look after her"
"You talk about her like she's your child" She jokes.
But breath feels like sucked out of me and Mom pauses. I cannot hear her talk furthermore.
"Y-yeah..., Mom I have to hang up, sorry...love you"
While examining the phone all after, Azy starts barking, so I kneel.
Then she starts howling. My hand starts shaking. My dog continues howling just like she has done for the past months. Months.
At work I get glances. A lot of greetings. More than before.
Later on, I as expected get a call from my father. I let it ring. I let it ring these three excruciatingly long times and with the knowledge that my cousins, even grandparents would very soon be trying their luck as well, I shut my phone off. For the rest of work, I shut off the phone and focus on work. As good I'm capable of.
"Elany" A voice zones me back into reality. "Yes?" Mathilda stands by the door. My co-worker. Her expression speaks for herself. Not again.
"Hey" I greet to be met with a response of "No"
My brows furrow. I feel it.
"You look like shit, darling" Darling
"Thank you, how are you? Can I do something for you?"
She nods. "Yes. You can, Elany, please go home I cannot see you like this anymore"
"I'm afraid don't understand"
"Oh, but you do" She sighs. Like everyone else Mathilda sighs at me.
"Take a look at your computer screen then you'll know what I mean, Elany" And I do. Blank pages.
"I don't have to get over there to know that there are all white pages in front of you. You keep zoning out. That's what you do all these days and I cannot continue ignoring this state you're in"
"What state?"
Mathilda pauses.
"Please go home, darling, please go home and take a shower and rest. I'll tell Mr.Hughs and get you a leave of absence, and you please only come back when you feel better. Healthier."
"Mathilda, I really don't think that's necessary, I-"
"Please" She just says. I remain silent. Just silent.
I drive. I drive home, eyes forward, no thoughts and especially no feelings, until the corner shows up. Instantly I stop the car. Before I register what is happening, the car does turn all the way left and there it is. I park. There, where I always have. But I don't get out, no, because I feel it coming up. The feelings I mean. I stare at the balcony. Our balcony. No, my balcony now, because that's what it is right?
Just mine.
Hints of the colors of my rotten tulips are visible from down here. I don't dare look behind. I know they are there. Somewhere behind the tulips, they are; waiting for the love he had given them to come back.
Now the entrance door catches my attention and bluntly I think of the mailbox filled with my words.
I leave. I speed. I just want to get home. And when I do, there mom sits; Mug in a hand, newspaper in the other and silently I curse at myself for giving her the spare keys.
She looks up.
"Ah" She hums. "Didn't t expect you to be back so soon" She says.
"'Didn't expect you to be here at all"
Azy comes jumping up my legs, when mom sets down her coffee. She stands up, rubbing her head seemingly in thoughts.
