All the leaves that crunch underneath my feet. Yellow, orange, brown.
I look out for him. I haven't done that in a long time. But mom is right. Of course she is. This is not healthy and so I keep walking. I look around.
So many names.
Still I manage to find it. Of course I do. My feet started leading the second I arrived here, when my brain automatically decided to shut off.
The gray stone looks cold. So cold and dark and dirty but still his name manages to brighten it.
Asha Anderson
Beloved Son, Boyfriend and Best Friend.
I touch the engraved daisy. Then I kneel.
My hands shake. My body shivers.
A cold wind breezes and I begin. I take out the letters- Multiple sheets.
"Dear Asha. I hope you're listening"
A Pause.
Please be listening, my love.
"I miss you. I miss you my darling, nothing is the same anymore."
Stopping, I run my hand over the face. No Voice. I don't speak. Cheeks heated even with the cold air against my skin, I properly sit.
"Dear Asha. I don't know if I can do this.
How, when I haven't even started to process it? They say time heals wounds. All of them...Where is that cure now? How much time are we speaking of, Asha? My lifetime? Why would I still stay here when you did not? Life is about living it at it's fullest, isn't it? Tell me how Ím going to manage that. How am I going to live life when you were all of it?..."
Breeze. Rustle. Howling too.
"Asha my love, if only I knew that it would have been our last kiss. Our last hug. Our last jokes. A business trip. You were all so happy, my love. You three. I'd prayed you'd have the time of your lives.
I don't remember much. I am not sure I do want to. It happened so fast. All of it. When your alarm clock sounded. Quite early but the excitement on your face was strong enough to make both of us feel wide awake. I remember James was responsible for snacks. Luke did not trust James taste in snacks, so he went to get reserve ones. You three idiots were scared of the food at your meeting tasting like cardboard on the tongue. These were your words, remember? You three idiots, all you could think of was food. I still wonder what snacks James brought. To this day. Did Luke tease him about it?...
Did they at least have one another when it happened?
Who did you have?"
My heart replaced with a stone. That's how heavy it feels.
"I cannot help but find this ridiculous. So utterly ridiculous. How a little business trip succeeded in taking you from me when nothing else could. I remember when I got them. The news. It was supposed to be a normal day of work, Asha. A regular Monday. When then it suddenly wasn't. After you left I did manage to get a bit sleep. Then I had my nightmare. Half an hour before my alarm clock was supposed to set off, but I did wake up earlier then intended. Seven AM and there I had been laying with Azy next to me, for half an hour. Just the two of us. Until I turned on my phone. Missed calls. Messages. I don't remember all of it. It passed in a blur, and to this day I don't know whether I am glad about it or not."
Silence. So unbelievably quiet, I turn around the parchment.
"The next day you were in the news.
Car crash; driver under the influence of alcoholic crashes into black Mustang on the highway. 4 victims.
James. Luke. You. And that bastard who has caused all of it.
After that, everyone knew of it. From work to old High school friends."
When I hear crunching leaves, I spring up. An elder lady...a bouquet of colourful flowers in her hand as she lonely walks past the tombstones, before stopping at a specific one. I turn back, wondering if she felt just as dull as me. Are her wounds still fresh? How does she manage? Is she future me? Will the pain still last once I reach hear age?
