Hang Me Out to Dry

Heart to Heart - Hangman's POV

Hangman wandered through the dorm house that he shared with Rooster, Casper, and Coyote. He knew that he had gone too far this afternoon by bringing up Rooster's dad but after failing to lead a successful run of the training exercise he found himself overwhelmed with jealousy and unable to hold his tongue. After that he had even snapped at Casper when she tried to talk to him. He had been feeling like shit all evening. He would need to talk to Rooster at some point, but first Casper.

He stood in his doorway, staring at Casper's door right across the hall, trying to get up the courage to knock. Finally he found his feet stepping forward of their own accord. He held his breath listening for any sign of movement from inside after he knocked but heard nothing. He knocked again, this time hearing the creak of someone getting up from the bed. The door opened slightly, revealing Casper's sleepy face. His stomach fell and he had to fight the urge to retreat back to his room, but he knew he needed to talk to her.

"What?" she said, clearly still upset.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

"I'm sleeping," she replied pushing the door shut. Hangman threw up his hand, desperate to have this conversation now that he had worked up the nerve.

"You weren't sleeping, I couldn't hear you snoring," he said. He groaned internally. Why did he always do this? He felt the door pushing against his hand again so he continued. "Wait I'm sorry. Can I start over? I wanted to apologize for the way I acted earlier." 

There he had said it. Now she just had to accept and he could get rid of this shitty feeling, gnawing away at his stomach.

"Well go ahead," she said after a moment.

"With what?" he asked but deep down he knew what she was talking about.

"Your apology."

"That was it," he said but when Casper's face scrunched angrily he continued. "Ok you're right. I'm sorry. I was acting like a dick earlier and it was out of line."

He held his breath, waiting to see what her reaction would be and felt a slight wave of relief when her face softened slightly.

"I'm not sure if I'm the only one who deserves an apology," she said. 

Hangman knew she was right but that was going to be a different conversation. Apologizing to a guy could be as simple as a nod across the room, but with Casper he had a lot more to apologize for. Starting with day one he had taken out his emotions on her. He let out a resigned sigh.

"You're right, but I wanted to talk to you first. Can I come in?"

She nodded and stepped back, perching on the edge of her bed. He froze in the middle of her room not sure what to do with himself and focused his nervous energy into his hands. His eyes scanned the room rapidly as if looking for something to help ground himself. Casper moving over and offering the spot next to her made him smile in gratitude. Even after his outburst this afternoon, she still was helping him out.

Now came the hard part. He needed to try to explain why he was so messed up and why he walked through life like he was owed anything he wanted. It felt like a cop-out to say it was because his dad had drilled that idea into his head from a young age, but he couldn't help but recognize how his every action came from his complicated relationship with his dad.

"I'm not good with the whole talking thing," he started, "but it's not fair that I've been an ass to you this entire time and I feel like I owe you some sort of explanation." He took a deep breath in before continuing. "I guess I'll start with that first day?"

Casper didn't say anything from her spot next to him so he figured it was safe to continue.

"There was a lot of pressure from my father growing up to follow in his footsteps, and that started with becoming a naval pilot and getting into Top Gun. When I got accepted that was the first time I could remember him telling me that he was proud of me. Then when you got in and they pushed me back to the next year I just felt like everything was falling apart. Then it happened again. I couldn't help but think that maybe I was never going to make it. Even when I got to Top Gun that wasn't enough to impress him so I pushed myself and finished first in my class, but that still wasn't enough."

Again she didn't say anything. Hangman started to feel his throat tightening. This was ridiculous. He was a grown man whining about how hard he had it, when he knew that he had ample opportunities throughout his life. She was going to laugh in his face, but he had already started. He might as well finish.

"I keep up this act like I'm better than everyone, because I know it's not true but if I pretend then my dad can pretend and we don't have to talk about it."

This time she finally responded.

"I'm sorry Hangman, but you realize that's not an excuse, right?"

He sighed, running his hands through his hair. She was right of course, but he hoped that she could see that he was trying. "I know. I'm trying to work on it, but it's hard."

"I know it's hard. Trust me," she said. "I never thought I would make it this far. Not a lot of women do so when I had the opportunity I took it. Admiral Fuller stuck his neck out for me to get me into Top Gun. If I fail, that directly reflects on him. I can't do that after everything he's done for me."

Hangman didn't move as she spoke, not wanting to disturb the atmosphere in the room. He felt another stab of guilt as she talked about her struggles with advancing to Top Gun. He knew that if someone would have offered him that same chance he would have taken it in a heart beat. He just never had anyone who believed in him like that. It made complete sense to him that people were willing to help her get ahead. She was clearly a superb pilot but also deeply loyal and kind person. 

"Casper, you're a great pilot. You don't need to keep proving it to Fuller or anyone. He wouldn't have done that for you just to hold it over your head all these years. The only person you owe anything to now is yourself," he said hoping to make her feel better. They were both clearly struggling with feelings of inadequacy. 

"Ever heard of taking your own advice? You don't have to prove anything to your dad," she said causing Hangman's heart to clench slightly in his chest. 

"Yeah, well..." he trailed off, uncomfortable with what he was feeling. Was someone giving any sort of indication that they cared about him really enough to make him fall? 

"Look at us. It's always the people closest to us that mess us up the most," she said. "I'm glad you came to talk to me."

He looked over, meeting Casper's eyes. He scanned her face for any sign that this meant as much to her as it did to him. Instead she shifted away from him, and he quickly felt cold as the heat from her body receded. He tried to collect himself, preparing to go back to his room but he saw that she was holding open her covers to offer for him to stay. She rolled over as he laid down, her back pressing up against his chest. The soft beating of her heart comforting him. He reached around to grab her hand in his own, wanting to tell her in some way how much he appreciated this. He drifted to sleep that night smiling as his heart beat slowed to match her own.