Just my cup of tea

Trapped in the vibe

I let out a puff of smoke while leaning back on the bean bag. I watch it twirl up and dissolve. Feeling myself getting more and more relaxed and into the vibe. Although no matter how good a joint feels, it'll never feel as good as it did when I had one with Kate. I wonder if I'd ever get to feel that again. I should banish these thoughts from my mind but what would be the point? They will always be in the corners of my mind, long silky ribbons that gently traverse the the outer most folds.

Would she even want to see me? Would she dare take that chance again for me? Sometimes I dare to think that I must be of some importance to her if after all these years she still takes the risk to talk to me.

Let's play it out to weight the pro's and con's shall we? We decide to meet.

Pro's:
I finally get to see her face again.
I finally get to smoke with her again.
I'll see her smile.
I'll hear her voice.
I'll feel...oh wait I guess it's time for con's:
I'm terrified my heart will show.
I'm terrified I won't be able to hide it.
I'm terrified she will know and never want to talk to me again.
I'm terrified I'd lose her again.
I'm terrified I won't see her looking at me. Not like she used to...Like I was a wonder she never knew could exist.

That's it. I can't see her. I won't see her. I will just continue to be content having her in my life in whatever small way possible. Just be there if and when she needs me. With that last thought I push away the ribbons dancing in front of my mind back to it's warm folds.

I finish off my spliff when my phone chimes. It's work.

HR: Due to the recent policy changes of curriculum the school will hold a meeting tomorrow to discuss the effects. Classes will be cancelled till further notice. Please arrive at 10:00 am in the life club centre to discuss the changes.

Policy change? cancelled classes? This sounds bad...

Most of the teachers were all seated by 10:00 am with coffee and a notebook in hand. Everyone looked nervous as they waited for the meeting to start. Our boss hadn't arrived yet and neither had Leyla. We all started chatting softly about what this meeting could entail and different rumors about the policy floated around the room.

The door opened a little and Leyla popped her head in to check if the meeting had started. Be normal. Be chilled. It's not a thing. Realising it's safe she steps in and I stand up. Great so much for being chilled. What was I even doing? Everyone, including Leyla glanced at me. I moved to pull out a chair then thought better of it and awkwardly picked my pants up higher and sat back down as though it were the reason I stood up. Clearly not as everyone had just noticed.

Finally our boss walks in and proceeds to great and apologize for being late. "So as HR has informed you all there has been a change in the policy regarding English curriculum in China. Now first let me say there is nothing to worry about. We are here to lay down the plans going forward.

She then gestured to the board which displayed the guidelines of the new policy and underneath a timeline. "In a nutshell, training centres are being limited to ease the pressure of students. All training schools need to put forward their current curriculum for the government to analyze. The government will then report back. The school may have to change to a non academic curriculum with focus on oral speaking and the dramatic arts or may be allowed to continue their current curriculum."

She then zoomed into the timeline which held more question marks than anything else. "We have already sent through the curriculum however we are not entirely sure when we will hear back from the government. So in order to keep on track we have decided to switch the holidays to ensure we do not fall behind and this will allow us to maximize our time. The Summer holiday will begin tomorrow and as always last a month. If there is still no word from the government after the month is up we will begin training on possible oral speaking classes as well dramatic arts."

Mumbles began spreading around the room as everyone weighed out the pro's and con's of the situation. "What is the possibility the school will be shut down?" "Will the parents agree to move to a non academic system?" "Are there going to be cuts?"

I can go home is all I thought. I can see my family and friends and...no...I can't see her. Questions and answers were being shot back and forth when finally it seem to quiet down. "Can the foreign teachers go home to visit? Since we would usually have gone during summer break anyway. We'd hate to miss the chance." I held my breath. "Yes of course just please relay your times to HR once you have booked your tickets."

I'm going home.

As well all filtered into the office to pack and do last minute paper work before heading out I felt a tap on my shoulder. "You going home?" Leyla stood right behind and I almost jumped at our close proximity. "Yeah I will book my ticket when I get back to my apartment." She looked thoughtful. "When are you planning on going?" I checked the calendar and replied with, "hopefully tomorrow. It depends on the ticket price though."

She fumbled a little on her phone for a few seconds then looked up at me. "How about hotpot tonight? It could be like a send off." A send off? We aren't that close that she'd need to do this. "That's really nice but there's no need for that, I'll only be gone a few weeks." She looked a little disappointed. "Right but everyone will be free tonight and besides am sure we will all miss each other."

It can't do much harm with others around. "Ok sure, I'll ask around and see who is keen." She piped up now, "Sounds good!"

I rounded up a big enough group for hotpot after work and then finalized my ticket. I messaged home to let my parents know I'd arrive in two days. Needless to say there were over the moon. Kate and I were not in the middle of a conversation for me to bring it up and I can't just randomly text I'll be home soon...can I? I'll just start with a hi...no no..no point because I am going to try and stay in my lane.

We reached the hotpot around 6pm and settled in. Leyla was opposite me and Bella was on my left but my focus was burning a hole in my pocket where my phone rested. It would be weird if I didn't at least mention I'll be around right? Man I am over thinking this. We all talked about our plans for the holiday and ate a lot while sipping on beer. It helped to distract me and before I knew it we were all headed to KTV for some karaoke.

After a few rounds of songs and a couple more beers I started getting a little tipsy. "Having fun?" I knew immediately it was Leyla whispering in my ear and felt a fresh spike of shivers run through me. I turned and nodded with a smile. Then pointed at her returning the question. She smiled and tiled her head for side to side as if to say "so so." I gave a puzzling look. She gestured to me to follow her.

Don't you dare move. I moved. We walked out the door and into another KTV room. It became much more quiet with the music from the other rooms playing in the background outside. "It's easier to talk her." She said as she settled down on the sofa and patted the seat next to her. I reluctantly sat down beside her. "So what's up? Everything ok?" I asked as I tried to find a comfortable way to sit.

She smirked, "You tell me?" She chimed back as she leaned closer propping her chin on her hand. "I tell you?" I looked everywhere else but directly at her. She grabbed my chin and moved my it till I was now directly looking at her. "Yes, just tell me already." I froze. She knows. Well she knows that there's a thing but no no way absolutely not will anything happen. I have to admit something. "Leyla I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never really got it back.

Author's note: Hi guys..well hi anyone who is even reading this. I know it's been years but this is one book I could never give up. I struggled a lot with it as I could never figure out an ending for it but I think I've finally made up my mind. So hope anyone who is reading this will enjoy 😁 And thank you for reading.