Just my cup of tea

Blunt

Alice POV*

I was determined to get things straight. The big change at work had me on edge and I thought it a good thing. A distraction was just what I needed. Kate was clearly ready to live a life without me and I had no other option but to accept it. She didn't have much of a choice either though. Still, I knew it would be a long time before I would be able to handle my feelings. To be honest the thought that I may likely feel this way about her forever was terrifying. I knew one day I would hear she's engaged...then married and then a kid. Would I still be feeling this? Nothing ever scared me so much and I found myself questioning if a human should love another so much.

I stopped talking to Robyn about her, I stopped looking back at our pictures and memories but still have yet to delete them, I stopped visiting "our log" or smoking at places we used to. I took all these steps but there was one thing I could not stop; the dreams. It didn't happen all the time but when it did, if felt so real. Maybe this was her way of 'visiting me' or maybe just my heart reminding me at the end of the day that I miss her . I silently wished that maybe I would have those surreal dreams because she too missed me and dreamt of me. This was highly unlikely. Her life seemed full now, she seemed to have set in motion the rest of her pieces. It looked...predictable.

We drove up to a local bar in the area, I'm pretty happy with my decision to take Hayleigh out. I felt we needed to pass this weird stage, in actual fact she would make a great friend. She knew nothing of my past, she didn't know about Kate so she wouldn't ask and I would not have to worry about the subject being brought up.

We made our way into the bar and sat at a booth. It looked like a pretty cool crowed and I knew this would make my night much easier. "This place looks so chilled!, I'm impressed Al." I winced at the nickname, "Al? Really?" She smirked, "live with it." I spotted the waitress coming over with some menus. "Yeah this place is pretty cool and their food is good too. We should get a basket of finger foods? or are you very hungry?" Hayleigh just sat there smiling at me and I started to feel a little self conscious, "what?" I asked. She blinked hard for a second, "nothing am just really glad you seem less..angry."

I guess I did deserve that, I was very angry for a while and I know I did take out all my anger on her and others around me. I was also much more quiet than I used to be but that's just because I found it better to keep to myself now. I didn't know how to really be around my friends at the moment. They would ask me simple things like how I was doing or what I wanted to do for the weekend and how could I respond truthfully? I knew they had all reached a point were they were tired of hearing me pine over Kate. In all honesty I too didn't want to respond truthfully. I didn't want them to know I still had feelings for her.

"I'm also glad I feel less angry." I joked. "Hi can I get you guys anything?" The waitress stood patiently next to us with her notepad. "Hmmm, ooh chicken wings!" Hayleigh exclaimed. "I think number 3 would be nice, its chicken wings and garlic bread sticks." We placed our food order and made our way to the bar and got our drinks. We chatted a bit about ordinary things, where we grew up and about our families. Talking to her was nice and easy and I she didn't pry too much. She could sense when I was not comfortable with a topic and thoughtful changed it. I was right, she is a good friend to have. It got pretty late and after a few more drinks and unsuccessful attempts at Hayleigh getting me to dance we decided to call it a night.

"How do you feel about the choice your boss made to work with CBK?" I didn't expect such a question from her. "Well honestly I don't like it. I think my boss should have put more faith in our workers. I felt he didn't really give them a chance." Although I was not involved in the research side I knew our team was more than capable. The problem was, my boss was impatient. "But this is how the industry works, I'm not at the top ranks yet so I don't have much of a say right now." Hayleigh thought on this a bit, "do you think you will stay at this company till you are in the top ranks?"

What a question. I was taken aback. I had not really thought about the future plan for a while. Was I going to stay here? What was here for me now? I thought of my plans to travel. When I was younger it was all I wanted. I had no issue whatsoever being away from home or lost in some foreign country without a clue how to get back to my hotel. I loved it and it was definitely addicting. Once you get a taste of travel you crave it. Then out of nowhere I slipped up and let Kate come to my mind. In a desperate attempt to get her out of my mind I moved back to the conversation with Hayleigh. "No, I don't know really. I haven't thought of it much recently. I guess I have just being taking a break from future life decisions."

I saw her tilt her head from the side of my eye. "Strange I pinned you as someone who has it all sorted out." I let out a sarcastic laugh, "Not even close kid." She grunted, "what's with this 'kid' story?" I squinted at the road name as I came up to what I believed was her road. "This it?" She looked a little confused, "This what?" Oh! right! hey that was quick, I didn't even realise we were here." She gathered her things and opened the door, "Thanks Alice, this was really cool. I'll see you at work."

The way home seemed like it took forever. The thought was there already and I knew once Hayleigh left I would not be able to help myself. What did I want for the future? I rolled my eyes at myself, I already knew what I wanted but that was not on the table and most likely would never be. So I changed my question to what are my possibilities for the future. This was better I could easily list three things that popped up. I could stay here at this job and continue to work till I get to top rank, I could look for another job that actually gave me the credit as well as money due for the work I did or I could leave here altogether.

I replayed over the options in my head and each time I thought of leaving, I thought of Kate. Would it even make a difference in her life if I go? Should I tell her? No. How would I say it? What if she asked me why I was telling her this anyway. No, I couldn't tell her. We were not talking anyway. I was confused. The entire night went by without these hard thoughts and hard choices so why did Hayeligh have to ask me this at the end of the night? When I would be alone with my thoughts.

I arrived home and made my way up to my apartment. It was late and I was really tired. I checked my phone and replied to Hayleigh to ensure her I was home safely. I would sleep with Kate on my mind tonight and that would most likely end in a dream of her. Oh well, I never really minded the dreams, it was my escape from the tiring day of trying to ward off feelings and thoughts of her. It was my only peaceful time.