Just my cup of tea

Fishing on the moon...

I’ve been fishing once in my lifetime and it was so long ago that I barely remember it, but what I do recall is that I wasn’t even the one holding the rod and I cried when they pulled out the fish. So I made them put it back and never went fishing again. I did however have the privilege of snorkelling and I will never forget how beautiful the reef looked and how harmonious the fish of all different colours looked swimming alongside one another. How ironic it is that humans are the ones who hunt down and fish out this harmonious beauty and sadly not just from the sea.  I came out the closet in my ninth grade. It was the first time I liked someone and it was a girl. Panic had struck me as I had no idea how I could feel these emotions. I swirled into a ball of frustration as I tried to overcome these emotions but as time went on I could feel the happiness draining out of me till there was almost none left. I began to play the role they wanted me to, masked by something I was not and by doing so I had pushed my friends away, I pushed my family away. It was the fear of rejection that created my isolation, not my sexuality. I was surrounded by people daily but none could really see me. What was the point in this madness?

I spent endless nights on my knees trying to start a prayer to God, to beg him to make me normal but every time I closed my eyes and bowed my head all I could hear was “God doesn’t listen to abominations, he destroys them”; “Those kind of people go to hell”; “The cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed because of people like them”; “They are a shame to the tribe of Judah.” I was convinced that there was no redemption for me, that an evil had found its way into my heart and so I’d sit up and think to myself “How can I ask God for anything after all I’ve become?” It consumed me and all I saw when I looked in the mirror was a monster. They say you are born with only love and happiness and that hate is learned. They did a good job at teaching me to hate myself. I thought that maybe if I dedicate myself to good deeds and helping others I may find a way to redemption but all hopes circled me back to what I believed was my fate, an eternity in hell. No amount of praise and worship I served in the church could drain out the preaching of condemnation upon people like me. As the months went by I felt my faith fade away as did my hope to belong to this world. So I created my own and in doing so finally came out.  

 I went to an all girls’ high school and it was unforgiving. The first few years after coming out proved to be the most painful yet most important years of my life. People asked me why I had chosen such a life but my question to them is, why would anyone willingly choose this life? The stares never end and the hushed tones of condemnation always found a way to reach my ears but the choice wasn’t between being straight or lesbian. The choice was between living and surviving and although the road is rough till this very day, I can proudly say that I am living through it rather than just surviving. For so long I had believed that my heart was dark and tainted by evil only to realize that the only reason I felt this way was because I listened to them. But they don’t define me; they don’t know the yearning in my heart that calls out for light and love. It was all I ever wanted after pushing everyone away; to have someone truly see all the corners of my soul and not run away. I fear that’s too much to ask of anyone though.

So I dedicated my life to fighting for all those who feel like monsters, those who have been led to believe that there is something wrong with them. That’s why I write, in hopes of reaching and inspiring people from all walks of life to join a world where we can swim together in harmony like the colourful fish of the reef. I lay my pc next to me and ran my tongue along my teeth as my face squirmed up. I’ve been so lost in my novel about Kate that inspiration hits me in my dreams of her and so instead of wake and bake its now wake and type. I shuffled around and got out of bed to head to my bathroom. As I passed the kitchen I spotted the tea cup Kate drank from last night. It wasn’t a dream! Ok stupid of course it wasn’t a dream but with time flying by as we escaped into our own world it sure felt like a dream. Although the danger with dreams is that at some point we will have to wake up to a reality and right now my reality was as unstable as the water at high tide.

I brushed my teeth and gobbled down my cereal while watching the early morning cartoons. Hey don’t judge! You can never be too old for early morning cartoons. It reminded me of Saturday mornings when the escape from a long week of school was most needed and the promise of a weekend of fun awaited. How easy it was to find joy in the world as a kid, where your greatest concern was missing your favourite show or the rain outside that stopped you from riding your bike. After my cereal I stepped outside onto the balcony for a smoke and looked down at the apple stall Kate tripped over. It dawned upon me that we now know each other so what would that mean when we see each other at the café? Does that mean that maybe I could sit with her? It’s crazy how sitting with her is even a possibility now. It felt like I was fishing on the moon hoping to hook a star on my line but I had yet to realize that Kate was not just a little star but something so much more.

If I were to head to the café today I had to formulate some game plan but the most unexpected things have been happening lately so how can one prepare for the unexpected if I don’t know what to expect in the first place? You know I don’t think I could ever prepare for anything when it comes to her. She had become my endless overflow of stardust that actually made me feel like maybe magic does exist in this cold world. As I got dressed I played out all the possible scenarios in my head; maybe she would invite me to sit with her? What if I just asked and she said yes? Maybe we would talk for a bit? I wanted to tell her everything and I wanted to listen to her tell me everything. Maybe we would end up talking for hours? Maybe we would even smoke a spliff? I wonder if she liked taking walks? Or if she could ride a bicycle? I wonder if she liked green apples I thought as I stepped out my apartment building and headed towards the apple stall. I picked up an apple, handed some money to the lady, bit into it and smiled.