northside girl | b.e.

eleven

BILLIE
working at wholefoods has got to be the easiest job i've ever had. i mean, i haven't had many jobs, but still. stocking shelves and serving customers is a walk in the park. except for the odd karen or two.

i like to spend time looking for cute outfits for work, to please nobody but myself. that's one thing people get wrong about me. when i get ready to do something or go somewhere, i always go all out on makeup and outfits. people assume i'm trying to impress someone but the truth is, it's for myself.

i'm convinced that i'm not ugly, but not pretty. maybe it's true, maybe it's not. so i do my makeup every day, so i can look how i wanna look for myself. it makes me happy that i can look however i want to look. people always say when i'm in the middle of doing my makeup that i 'don't need it'. like, i know. but i want it. so here i am, applying it every day.

i was in the middle of a shift, stocking a shelf when i realised madison hadn't texted me in a while. it was unusual, since we usually spend every moment texting, always in contact somehow. i wish i could have the "i don't care, she's not even my girlfriend" mindset but... i don't. maybe it's because i told her we need to stop being with each other twenty four seven.

i don't know, i said it because i don't wanna get attached just in case something happens between us and things end and before i know it, i'm heartbroken over a girl i'm not even in a relationship with, you know?

i wanna be excited to see her, i wanna go on dates and stuff and look extra nice every time i see her. i wanna go home and dream about the good night we had. i can't do all of that if we're constantly with each other, really. it's better for us. i guess i never really explained that to her.

i decided i wanted to text her and ask her to come on a date tomorrow night, i was gonna do it after work.

when i finished my shift, i went to my brother'a house. i had a spare key, so i just walked in. he was sitting in his back garden with his girlfriend, claudia. "hey, guys!" i greeted them.

"billie! hey!" claudia said, coming over to hug me. i hugged her back, laughing.

"i missed you, claudie." i muffled into the hug. when we pulled away, we smiled at each other.

"hey, billie. what's up?" finneas asked and i shrugged.

"same old." i sighed, sitting down on the other outdoor couch that he had.

"i've been working on music." he told he and i raised my eyebrows.

"yeah? for me or you?" i asked.

"well, i just have a beat, but... it's giving more you vibes than me. i think it's good for you."

"cool, i'll check it out." i said, staring at the pool. "i met a girl."

"tell me all about it. now." he insisted and i rolled my eyes playfully with a chuckle.

"her name is madison. she's from the south side. she's really beautiful and i like her a lot. we've already kissed a bunch of times."

"damn, billie eilish moving fast in a relationship?" he asked.

"no. that's the thing. we moved fast. and did stuff. not sex but..." i trailed off. it was a little awkward. "yeah. anyways, i feel like i need to start being more intimate and stuff now because of that. and don't get me wrong, i love it, but... i just don't wanna get hurt by a girl i barely know, you know? i told her that but she was drunk and i haven't seen her since. she hasn't texted me since that."

"oh, baby." claudia sighed and i nodded.

"yeah."

"text her. tell her you have problems with commitment, you're just scared of being hurt. do you want a relationship with her?" finneas asked and i hesitantly nodded.