Bella Twins Teen Years: High School Sucks

Nicole Says (Nicole)

Nicole's POV
I was rushed to the ER. I don't really know exactly what happened. It was a while before I was with it. My mom was crying and sitting next to me. Where was Brianna? Was she okay? Was she...?No. I told myself. Was I? There were stitches were I had cut my wrist and it hurt. I wasn't. Mom I'm sorry. I whispered. She kept crying please don't cry. I said. Stephanie I'm just done at this point. She said. I'm sorry. I said. No it's too late for that. She said. You two are going to start seeing a therapist. Okay. I said. More then once a week. She said. Twice? I asked. No almost every day. Ugh that's a lot but I just said okay so we didn't have to talk about it anymore. Brianna was okay. I'm coming to get you tonight I talked to them. We are having a long talk when you get home there are some new rules. I don't need to I won't do this... Yes you do and we are having a talk. I hate this fucking hospital I'm not coming here on a weekly bases because you or Brianna feel the need to end your lives! I won't do it again. I said. That's what Brianna told me several times. Mom, I'm not her! I yelled. Don't yell at me Nicole. I'm going home I left Brianna and JJ by themselves and that was really bad idea. Why did you take Brie home? I asked. They said you were triggers for each other. I know you're sisters and you live together, but I'm keeping you apart as much as I can. She said. This is news to me. I thought. We can help each other mom so the doctor's full of shit. Oops I forgot I was talking to my mom. I was pretty out of it still. Stephanie Nicole don't talk to me like that, ever! You both decided to try and kill yourselves. You both thought that was a good idea! My mom yelled. I'm helping you two from now on and I'm separating you two as much as I can. Fine whatever. See you tonight. I said. I didn't know how this was going to work Brie and I were always together. I love you. A lot. I want you to be okay. She said. Okay that's nice. I said carcasticly. You can leave now. I said. She had a pained look on her face almost like she wanted to yell or slap me but didn't because she felt bad for me. I really didn't care at the moment. No one asked her to "save" me.
I still felt really sad. The doctor came in and told me I had bipolar depression disorder. It confused me. I guess it just meant I was a mess. It's not like I needed a doctor for that information with fancy names. I said okay and that was all. You're going to try some anti depressant pills for a few weeks. Nice. I said. I finally had permission to take pills that make me calm and happy.
Later, I was crying a little this was hard. The assistant walked in my room. Stephanie Nicole. He said. Hi. I was still crying. He looked at me hard. What the hell did you do that for? To upset people mainly your mom. Then you brought Brianna down with you. My mom won't have cared that much I swear. I said. You still feel that way that's disgusting she was crying when she left. He said. How? I asked. She hates me she was probably crying because I didn't say I love her because I told she could leave. Wow Stephanie you're so fucking cool. You're a bitch to your mom. And really because she doesn't she's your mom and she does love you. If you could have seen her reaction to what you did. What was her reaction. I said. She was crying a little. Yeah she was crying for like two hours after you were okay. When you weren't ok. He looked at me. She was hysterical. It was probably worse. I didn't know what to say. I'm sad and hurting. I'm also a mess the doctor said I was. No you're Bi Polar. That doesn't mean your a mess. I'm guessing you haven't been sleeping. You are also depressed. No I haven't been able to sleep and I'm sad all the time to the point I can't remember when I was happy except when I feel happy when I'm high. So you're right. I said. Why are you sad and hurting? No one likes me. I don't even like myself. I suck. Stop it Stephanie! Really? They just step all over me. They take advantage of me. They kiss me and say I didn't mean anything to them because I'm worthless. Nicole. I'm sorry that's not true. That's what you said and it hurt me. I would never try to hurt you Stephanie. He said. You're an asshole! I yelled. You hate... No I don't! He yelled. I love you! What? I said. I love you so fucking much. If you had died I don't know what I would have done. You love me? I asked. Yes. He said. Prove it. I said. Fine. He said. I love you so much I don't even care if I lose my job. Good. I said. He laid on my bed and we started to make out. We soon started to undress each other. He had to disconnect me to the IV but it was quick. I'm sorry my bra doesn't match my underwear. I said and laughed. It's ok I'm taking them off anyway. I laughed again. I love you too. I whispered. I took his underwear off, he put on a condom, and he went right inside of me. It felt so good he had a nice sized dick. He kissed me up and down my body. He went down to my vagina. I was glad I had shaved a little down there. He was sucking my clit which felt really good. Then, I gave him a blow job. I'm really good at giving those. That's the best Bj I've ever had Stephanie. He kissed me.
When did you start calling me Stephanie? I said. I think it's sexy unless you really want me to call you Nicole. A girl with two names is really sexy too. It doesn't matter. Call me what you want. We were laying naked. kissing and talking. I loved his body. I told him how I felt a little. About how I had made a really good team for this summer but I couldn't play. I even told him about what I did freshman year. Just a little bit. A real little bit. Like I was in a tough place and that was where I ended it. Not everything I told Brie. She is my twin and best friend. I thought about her. I hoped she was okay. She did it too. She read my note and I sucked her in to this mess when she was starting to get out of one. I wished I hadn't. Now we had to be separated even though we can help each other. Then his buzzer went off. Shit. He said. I have to go. Again? I said. Yeah here. He wrote something down. Here's my address and my number. You can call me if you want fuck again or If you just want to talk. I'll always be here for you Stephanie Nicole. I love you. I said. I love you too. He said.
I talked to a therapist. I didn't say much of anything I felt like cutting again but I didn't say it. She left and I was sad. I pick up the phone and did something unexpected. I called my grandfather. I missed him and I really needed to talk to him. I thought it was just going to be a phone thing but he came to the hospital from San Diego to see me. I hugged him and started crying really hard. After I relaxed we started talking. I told him what happened and why I was there but I didn't want to worry him too much. He told me he knew I would be okay and he would help me and pray for me. We talked more and then we play a card game and he made me laugh and smile. He left closer to when my mom was coming to get me. I actually cried when he did. He actually made me really happy. The assistant didn't come back until that night. Hi I was just coming to say good bye. Okay. I kissed him. Do you feel a little better? A little bit. I said. Good. He said. I smiled a little. I have to go upstairs but I love you and I want you to stay okay. Okay. I love you too. I said. A few minutes after that my mom, Brie and JJ came in my room. My mom was at the door talking with the doctor. Brie was crying really hard and she jumped on me. I love you. I'm sorry. I'll never do that again. I'll never put you though this again. I said. She was still crying. I hugged her harder. Please Brie-zee stop crying I'm okay. You're not. She said. We'll talk okay? I said. Okay. She said. Wiping her eyes and still breathing hard. Hi I said to JJ. He just looked at me mean. I guess he still hated me and I don't know what my mom told him. He probably didn't even know why I was here. My mom came in the room. I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I said. Me too. Let's go. My mom said. She looked sad. I felt like she really did hate me now. Do you have the medicine? I asked. Yes. She said. It's not candy and I'll give you one each day if that. This kind of pissed me off but I understood her reasons for keeping it I guess. We rode home in silence. When we finally got home. We all got out of the car except for my mom. Just go in I need a minute. She said. We went in the house and JJ stepped in front of me. How do you feel? He asked. I'm okay. I said. Really you don't want to kill yourself or anything?! He sounded mad. It scared me a little. No. I don't. I said. Really? Because I feel like I don't believe you I feel like you need to watched at all times. Kind of like a two year old. JJ stop. Brie said. I'm fine. I said. You're not when you say you want to kill yourself not once, but multiple times then you try. Oh then ask Brianna to kill herself too. That's fine and okay to you?! He yelled. You realize you could both be dead? Stop! Brie yelled. You can't live here. He said. Shut up. I said. You are going to have to live in a mental hospital! He yelled. I started to cry. No I won't. I said. Yeah you will Mom and I can't live like this. I can't fucking sleep worried about Brianna and now you too. I care for you Nicole and Brianna but...both of you will have to go. You're both messing up everyone else's life. JJ were just depressed. We are going though a lot. Brianna said. Oh so that your excuse? He said. How about get over it. Instead of being stupid and upsetting people. He said. We are all having a hard time right now, but there's nothing that fucking bad that you can't just ignore or get over it! You need to suck it up! My mom came in she looked like she had been crying. I was done I didn't need my younger brother to talk to me this way. Yeah? I said. Yeah. He said. You two are messed up. You know what when someone tells you they are going to rape you to death, talk to me and tell me if your a little messed up or not from the experience. Or you can just say you hate me again or no, tell me that you hope I die. Maybe if you didn't sleep with everyone, people wouldn't say things like...He stared JJ. I slapped across the face really hard. Ouch! He yelled. Get the fuck upstairs now! My mom yelled at my brother. I was just telling her...My mom interrupted him again. No! That's fucking inappropriate and you and I need to talk to you about how that's disgusting and not okay at all for you to say to any girl or women! I never want to here you say anything like that again! Go! My mom yelled. Then he yelled back really loud. Everything is always my fucking fault! I fucking hate my life! He ran upstairs and slammed his door I'm pretty sure he punched his wall again. My mom looked at me. We have to talk about what you just said. Okay. I said. Take your showers quickly. Nicole I will be in there. Fine. I said. After that I want you two, to come in my room to talk. About what I said? Yes and and anything else you want to talk about. Brianna and I went up to our room get ready. I looked in the place I keep my relaxing drugs basically what I use to get high. I really hadn't used them in a while. They weren't there. I started looking every where like crazy. Nicole they are gone. You used them? I asked. No mom took them. What no! I stared to freak out. No! I yelled. How will I numb my pain I need to get high Brianna. She hugged me. No you don't. Let's go. Brianna said. No I need them. Did she take your blades too? I asked. Yeah but I still have one. Don't tell her. Brie said. I feel like that's not fair. I said. It's just for emergencies. What the hell that makes no fucking sense. I'm telling her. Don't! She yelled. Let's go! My mom yelled from the bathroom. Wait why is mom in the bathroom with us? She's really worried and upset because of what you...did. Brianna said. Right it has nothing to do with you trying to kill yourself in the shower at school or the fact that YOU TRIED with me TODAY! I screamed. It's all my fault. You asked me too do it too! You made it like if I didn't do it I didn't love you and would suffer alone! Brie yelled. It's both of us. Okay Nicole? Does that make you happy? Fuck you! If you didn't want you shouldn't have. I didn't force you. You don't have to love or like me. Being in the shower is my alone time this better not last long. When I say that I mean this is the last and only day. This shit will not happen in San Diego in one day. I think you have had enough alone time. Brie said. Wow right, That's the time when I finger myself I can't do that if people are in there, stupid. Unless your weird enough to want to watch. I said. That's so gross you whore. What are you going to get something stuck in there again? Is that why you need me? I hope your fingers or any caps don't get stuck! She yelled. You are so gross I want to throw up and she pushed me don't call me stupid! I told you not to say that to me! She yelled. I thought we weren't saying whore either you purging piece of shit that name fits you better than stupid anyway! I slapped her. Ouch! She yelled. You're so fucked up and gross! I hate you. Brie yelled. Then she scratched my neck which really hurt. She's crazy and she had a crazy look on her face. My mom came in our bedroom. You are not even suppose to be together! Get in the bathroom now! She yelled. I took my shower first. I need to shave tomorrow where are the razors? I asked my mom. I took them. She said. So you are going to buy me Nair? I asked. I can if you ask me nicely. Please? I said. Oh can I have that too please? Brianna said. Yes my mom said.
I left to put on an old big Eagles shirt which is what I sometimes slept in I barowed it from Brie. I was in my mom's room. My mom wanted Brie and I to talk in there. I waited while Brie took her shower. While I waited I saw divorce papers I was frozen. I felt sick. It was really real. I mean I know I never want to see him again but it still hurt me. Brie came in shortly after. That's mine. She said. Can I wear it? I asked. Yeah but you could have asked me first. Sorry. I said. It's fine. Mom's not letting me wear big shirts anyway. My mom came in to her room. Mom I'm cold can I wear long sleeves? No it's not that cold and if you are I have blankets. You just checked me. She said. She looked like she was about to cry. Brianna you need to do what I said and get dressed. Tears were rolling down her face. I felt bad. I knew she was embarrassed about her scars and her body and I wished she wasn't. She came over her arm looked really bad. Stop staring! She yelled. It's ugly and so am I! No you are not and Brie I have them too. See? I showed her. I don't want to see or stare at yours Nicole. Then she grabbed my arm looked at them anyway. They were all stitched because they were so deep. I want to start talking. My mom said. Alright. I said. Brie said nothing. What happened to you? My mom asked. Was what you said to JJ true? Brie and my mom looked at me. Yes. I said. My mom covered her mouth. Stephanie tell me everything that happened now. I took a deep breathe and told her. How he would slap and grab my butt and his friends would grab it too and say I deserved to be raped and die and that I was a slut. My mom was crying. No you don't my mom said no one deserves that. Brianna was crying too, but she still said nothing. Then I told them how he touched me. Where? My mom asked. I don't want to say really. You need to tell me now Stephanie it doesn't matter if you want to or not. He reached up my shirt and touched and played with my boobs. Why didn't you tell me...She was crying so hard. I thought you...hated me. I said. I thought you were going to say well you're a whore that's why this happened. I had sex with guys so much. I just wanted to feel love from a guy and I didn't at all. Guys just don't like me not even my own dad! I yelled. Wanting to feel love just turned in to wanting to feel. I was so depressed. It got worse after I went the hospital and couldn't play and still can't. Then, I just wanted to die after that guy said that to me. Then he touched me. Then people kept getting upset with me. Then when someone would ask me what was wrong I would feel so embarrassed and stupid to tell them. It was my fault. I was going to...kill myself so no one would be mad at me and so I won't be depressed. Everyone thinks I'm a slut! I hate that and myself! I yelled. My mom grabbed me really fast and rapped her arms around me. Stephanie Nicole I do not hate you, I will never hate you. I love you so much. You're my daughter. You didn't deserve that stop saying you did. You are not a slut. I don't think you're a slut. I wish you had told me how you felt when this started and really after what that guy said to you. The sex has to stop Stephanie Nicole. It's not okay and we've talked about this. You don't need a guy to love you right now. I know mom I'm sorry. This is your last chance. If you get pregnant Stephanie Nicole you will not... Mom I know. I said she was probably going to kill me or kick me out of the house. Don't get pregnant! My mom said coldly. I won't mom. My mom was still crying really hard. I looked at Brianna. She looked really pale and she was shaking. I was going to put my arm around her and tell her I was okay, she started to scream. She was she screaming really loud and holding her head. I put my arms around her tightly and told her I was fine and not to be upset. After about 15 minutes my mom and I calmed her down. She laying in my mom's bed now. Who was it? She asked she was still breathing hard from crying. I don't know some really big senior. I said. Like scary and big? Brie asked. Yeah. I said. That's Brock Lesner. I hate him. She said. He would grab my butt everyday after that insistent. I was shocked but I felt so bad. I started to cry more. Okay I'm done! My mom said. This way too much. You two can't go to school there anymore. We'll all go up in the morning before we leave for vacation. You two can get your stuff and I'll talk to the principal. I'm pressing charges. That guy is probably 18 or almost 18. What he did was disgusting and he needs to suffer. You can't keep going through this and I'm not going to keep watching you, it's awful. I was planning on doing this anyway and telling you it's just been so much in the past few days. Telling us what? That we are switching schools? Brie asked. Yes but it's more then that. When we leave for San Diego tomorrow, You, Nicole and JJ are going to stay live there for the rest of the year, with your grandmother and your grandfather, go to school there, and go to therapy there. Whoa. Brie said. Why can't we stay here? I get switching schools but there are schools in Arizona. I'm not going to therapy either. You are all going to therapy Brianna. Even you. She said. Mainly you. You should go everyday maybe more. I said to Brie. I didn't care I kind of wanted to live in San Diego. I loved my grandmother and grandfather. I got to see all my cousins when I was there even the little ones. Brie punched me after I said that. Shut up! She said. Nicole! My mom said. Don't say things like that. You should live at therapy. Brie shot back. You're so dumb Brianna that makes no sense. I'm not dumb! She yelled. You're the dumb one! She yelled. You take random pills. Okay? That happen once. Not true it was way more then that. Brie snapped. Fine but not now and I eat and I don't scream in the middle of the night or at random times because I'm not crazy like you. I would rather do that then be a thot! You slutty bitch! I HATE YOU! Brianna screamed. My slapped mom Brianna. Don't scream Brianna and don't say that word in my house. Stop both of you! You shouldn't even be together, but we really need to talk. You're both going five days a week. That's final. JJ is going twice. Why? I asked. My mom looked really sad. He had a really hard time when you two weren't here. What happened? Brianna asked. I heard you two talking before we got Nicole. My mom was crying a little again. He didn't think you were going to be okay. My mom said to Brie. He was so angry and upset the whole time. He would say how he hated life and himself. He was mad the whole time for me so I got the idea. I didn't tell my mom that though. One night he said if Brianna died or got worse he would...me mom was crying really hard. He said he would take his life. Brianna was crying too. I felt like I was to sad to cry so I just kind of stared in to space. The next day he hurt himself. I just happened to come up stairs at that time that day. I don't know if he used a knife or something else he won't tell me but it was bad. Did you take him to the hospital? I asked. No I was not taking my only child that was home to the hospital for them to keep him too. I just wrapped it with medical tape. It will heal at some point. Why did you do what you then?! Brie yelled at my mom. My mom started to cry harder. You are the worst mom. Brianna said. It's your fault too not just me! She yelled at my mom. Brianna stop. I said. She needs to know! Brie yelled. I said stop. You should cry and... She started. Brianna! Stop it! I yelled. No your not in charge of me! She snapped. No but I am. My mom said. Do not talk to me like that Brianna. Do you realize why I was like that? Yes I do. Brie said. You chose to drink like that though. I didn't make you. This was making me feel sick. Can I leave? I asked I don't like this. I said. No Nicole I want you to stay I'm sorry but these are things we need to talk about. I started to cry a little. My mom hugged me. It will be okay we will all be okay. She said. My mom looked at Brianna. I could say the same thing about you Brianna. You chose not to eat. You chose to take laxatives and make yourself throw up. You chose to hurt yourself and no one made you do any of it. Brianna was quite for a second. It was more then that in a way people did make me, but I was really depressed. You don't understand. Think about what you said. Think about it with how I most have felt when your dad left. Then you tried to kill yourself at school because you were upset and getting bullied and after that you stopped eating. Then, you both weren't here and JJ was falling apart too. I'm sorry! Brianna yelled and burst into tears, again. My mom hugged her too. Okay, Brianna. I want to ask you something when you relax. It took Brie another 15 minutes to relax. I was so tired I got in my mom's bed and laid down. Brianna why were you doing all of those awful things that put you in the hospital? My mom asked. I need a reason. Not those one word answers like "life". I don't understand and I feel like I can't help you myself. Brianna took a deep breathe. If I tell you will I have to go to therapy? Yes you are still going everything that I said was happening is still happening. I'm hoping this will help you'll go and talk to a doctor. Maybe you two will be smart enough not to act like this with your grandparents. My mom said. Start talking Brianna. I don't know. She said. Yes you do. My mom said. Brianna stared at her. If you know that I know you must know everything. Brie said. Brianna Monique you better start talking right now, or we will have a problem. My mom said. I feel like I have no control! That is something I can control. I felt like everyone hated me because I always mess up! I felt like I deserved it and I wanted to be like this alone! I didn't want anyone to know! Nicole is way better than me at everything driving, soccer she's even better at hurting herself and I hate that! If I lose weight I'll be faster and better then her! I want to be perfect! Perfect weight. Perfect look. Perfect player. Perfect artist. Perfect driver. Perfect everything! I will hate myself until I'm perfect! I hate when people try to stop me! If I died I won't care and I would be perfect and happy for once. That's why. My mom looked scared. Brianna's has really lost it. She said I hurt myself better then she does. That's so awful to think about. That's so fucking awful. I was really worried about her now. Brianna why wouldnt you care? Because my pain would end. Mine wouldn't. My mom said. She was crying. Please don't do this Brianna. I'm not going to try again I just said I don't care. You should care Brianna. You should love yourself your amazing, beautiful, smart and perfect just the way you are. My mom said. Brianna was crying and said you have to say that. Do you feel like this right now Nicole? My mom asked. No. I said. I felt it a little but my mom was upset I just said no. It's not like it was bad. What if my leg heels early I can't play if I'm dead. Are you sure? My mom asked. Only If Brianna killed herself I would too. Damn why did I say that. Okay. You are going to have to be watched with everything in San Diego. My mom said. No wait. My mom looked at me. She even more scared and kind of sick. Brianna? I said. Yes? She said. Can you stay with me so we can keep each another strong like we used to? Please. I really need you Brie and I mean that. I can help you. You understand me like no one else does and I understand you. You are my sister and my best friend, I love you. I'm not better than you. I've just been playing longer. I can help you a little with soccer if you're that upset. Plus I can't do Double Trouble with out my little Bri-zee. She hugged me so tight. I love you Coco. She said. Mom please we'll be fine. No. My mom said. Please like you said I won't do this at Nana's house and all our younger cousins I help watch and take care of, I don't want them to see that. I'll help Brianna. She can help me. We'll just go in together it's weird but you going in is even weirder. So me making sure my children are okay after serval bad accidents is weird? What happens when your both really depressed again? My mom asked. I won't, I have medicine and therapy almost everyday. That should really helps. I'll tell you if I feel like that ever again it was really scary. I'll always make sure Brie's okay too I'm not going to put her through hell again. Like I have been this whole time. Please mom just trust me. Will you come to me if Brianna is like this again or you notice her not eating, hurting herself or worse? Yes mom I will for either one of us. Please mom. I swear I'm fine. I'll think about it. My mom said. I smiled. She hugged me I missed your smile. She said.
No! I'm not okay! I'm pissed! Brie yelled. You said what happened was my fault! Was it? Is that what you think? It really hurt me when you said that! She yelled. My mom started to look sad again. Oh god. Here we go. I thought. Why couldn't she just stop and be fine so everything can go back to normal. When the hell did this even happen? I thought. It also hurt me when you said I was weird, twice! Brie yelled. So I'm the messed up twin or I'm your messed up child? No I'm just a fucked up mess in general, and you don't love me as much because I'm so fucked up! And you wish I was not messed up. She yelled.
Just then the door opened and JJ walked in to my mom's room.