Broken Kitten

Declining Mental Health

"Chris?" I spoke into the phone. "Are you okay? What's going on?" I asked him, panicked.

"I'm just going through some stuff Haven, I'll be fine." He sighed.

"No, Chris. Don't sweep your feelings under the rug with me! You don't have to hide everything and try to act all tough around me, I'm your sister for Christ's sake!"

"Haven, I just don't need you to worry about me. For real, I'll be fine. You need to worry about your recovery."

"Chris." I growled, feeling frustrated. "Please. Just tell me whats wrong because it kills me to be so far away from you and have to read Instagram comments and tweets about your declining mental health. Chris, I love you and I care about you. Please talk to me." I pleaded, on the verge of crying.

"I just feel.. Useless and worthless and like I can never do anything to be good enough. Its a feeling that will pass Haven. I'll get over it and be fine, I promise." I was silent for a few moments, in disbelief that I was hearing him say something like that. I mean, Don't get me wrong Chris had always been vocal about his feelings, emotions, and mental health but.. Nothing made hearing it any easier.

"Well.. Not that you need me to tell you this but you are not any of those things. You've saved peoples lives, you've inspired so many, you've been a voice for a lot of people that didn't have their own. And we all love you Chris. The fans love you, your friends love you, your family loves you and I love you Chris. I don't know what I would do without you.."

"I love you too Haven." He spoke, and I could tell he was a little choked up.

"You're not alone Chris, I'm always right here to help you through this crazy world."

"I know Havy.. You're the best sister I could've ever asked for... Thank you Haven." We both fell silent, but stayed on the line with each other.

"When are you coming home?" I asked after a while.

"Next month." He sighed, and he didn't have to explain. I knew that sigh, I knew that it didn't mean he was having a terrible time or that he was over the tour. I knew it didn't necessarily mean he was sick of the road, although I'm sure a part of him was ready to come home.

"Haven?!" I heard Josh call out thru the house. "Are you coming?" He asked, leaning against the door frame once he found me. We had been on our way to bed before I saw the tweets.

"Yeah, I'll be up in a minute." I mumbled. After a quick kiss he headed upstairs, leaving me and Chris in silence.

"I miss you." I mumbled to Chris.

"I know, I miss you too little sis... How are you doing?" He asked, and I knew it wasn't the typical 'how are you?' You get when you see someone out and about. It was a lot deeper than that and he expected me to be open and honest.

"I'm.. Doing better I think. I mean I still have my struggles but Josh is helping a lot."

"I'm glad, he seems good for you.. You've been the happiest I've seen you in a long time... And I'm happy he can be there for you when I can't."

"Don't Chris." I sighed. "Don't make yourself feel guilty for going on tour, I'm perfectly fine and you are still being there for me. You're just a phone call or text away." I used his own words against him.

"Yeah but... You're my little baby sister, it's my responsibility to-"

"To be there for me, to love me, and protect me." I interrupted. "You are there for me, you do love me, and I'm safe Chris." He let out a sigh of his own, knowing I was right. 

After almost an hour more of talking we got off the phone and I headed upstairs.

Even though we talked, I didn't feel much better knowing the pain he was feeling. I silently climbed into bed beside Josh, causing him to turn to me.

"How's he doing?" He asked. I shook my head and bit my lip.

"Not that great." I mumbled.

"What's wrong?"

"He's just... He seems so depressed, even with him being on tour and being around all the fans and the music, which usually makes him so happy.. He's just so.. Not."

"That's unlike him." He hummed. And he was right. I'm not saying Chris was always happy and never got upset or anything like that. However he was usually ecstatic and thriving during tours. After all he was surrounded by everything that makes him happy; the music, the fans, the guys. He was living his dream.

And it really worried me, knowing he was struggling even in his happy place.

Without realizing it I let out a quiet whimper, causing Josh to pull me against his body.

"Its okay Hav. He'll be okay baby." He tried to soothe me.

"But he's not okay right now, and I know how he's feeling and it kills me to know that hes in that dark of a place... And I can't even be with him. I miss him! I want him to come home so I can know that he's safe." By now I had tears pouring down my face.

"Shh baby." He wiped the tears from my cheeks. "I know you're worried and you miss him but it'll be alright. Your brother is one of the strongest people I've ever known and it is hard, knowing he's in a dark place right now but I promise you he'll be alright and he'll be back soon."

I curled up against Josh's side as he layed there in bed. I cried for a good half hour while we talked about Chris until I was exhausted and Josh turned on The Nightmare before Christmas in the back ground until I fell asleep.