DEVOTED

two

BILLIE
"mom, I don't want all these people there" I say looking at the list my mom made, "it's embarrassing I don't want to go around telling people" I say handing it back.

"billie nothing is embarrassing about this situation, it happens and unfortunately it happened to you" my mom says rubbing my shoulder.

"whatever, I just want you guys and ash there" I shrug looking down at my hands. I'm planning a memorial for the baby because I want to get him cremated.

for both me and ash.

ash has yet to meet him or know about him, I've been nervous to call her all day but I know I need to soon because I need her here by the weekend.

"I'm gonna go call ash" I tell my mom taking my phone and walk outside, I take a seat staring at the phone for a second before looking up at the pretty sky today.

I let out a breath pressing on her contact and it starts ringing, I put it on speaker as I bounce my leg anxiously. after what feels like forever, her sweet voice comes through.

"hello"

I breath out as I swallow the lump on my throat, "hi ash"

"hi stranger" I can hear the smile on her face making me smile while biting my lip.

"hi" I giggle, "how are you doing?" I ask.

"tired but you know me, when am I never" she says with a breathy laugh, "how are you doing billie?" she asks.

"I'm.. okay, I could definitely be better" I say with a light chuckle, "I will be fine though" I add before she worries.

"okay" she mutters skeptical, "how is Chicago?" she asks making me sigh.

"Chicago is great, it really is just.. this place doesn't feel like home for me" I tell her making her hum in acknowledgement.

"I'm sorry you feel like that, you were so excited to move there and all" she says making me chuckle with a smile.

"I was and it was a very stupid decision" i say lowly staring at the emojis next to her name.

"I know" she mumbles, "I've really missed you, I still miss you a lot" she tells me with a sigh making my eyes squeeze tightly.

"I'm sorry" I apologize, "I miss you too, a whole lot actually" I sniffle, it's quiet a bit as we both take it in before I open my mouth.

"ash" she hums back, "I have something I need to tell you" I say sitting up, I can hear the air immediately shift.

"I'm listening"

"when I left.. I had found out I'm pregnant" I tell her, "and I was going to tell you, I really was but before I knew it I was at the hospital giving birth and.." I say trialing off as I search for a nicer way to say it.

"the baby didn't make it, this was all last week and I'm having a memorial thing that I figured should let you know, I know I kept the whole pregnancy from you and i didn't mean to but I would really love if you come" I tell her.

it stays silent for a while, a long while making me want to throw up, "that is a lot to take it" she even mumbles.

"I know, im sorry"

"uhm.. when do you need me to be there?" she asks seeming so distant then she was before.

"it's this saturday but I'm getting him cremated, so if you maybe want to see him you would have to be here by tomorrow" I tell her

"okay, send me your address and I will see what I can do" she says.

"okay" I mumble, it goes back to silent again, "ash" I call for her, she sniffles and hums.

"I love you" I tell her, "that's another thing I'm sorry for never telling you, I love you a lot" I tell her as it feels like I'm about to throw up my heart itself.

"you're dropping a lot of bombs on me today" she says jokingly with a chuckle.

"I know, I'm sorry" I say chewing on my lip.

"stop apologizing" she says with a sigh, "but.. I love you too and I think you knew that" she says making me smile.

"I did"

"I'm glad" she mumbles and lets out a breath, "I have to go though, I need to figure this thing out" she says.

"okay, thank you ash" I tell her.

"I did nothing billie" she chuckles.

"you think you don't but you really did" you made me feel worthy again.

"okay, I've got to go now" she says.

"okay. bye ash, I hope I see you soon"

"you will" she mumbles hanging up, I let out a squeal as I look up at the much brighter sky than earlier.