DEVOTED

six

BILLIE
we all sat in silence by the river watching our little boats that were lit up with one small candle float away, both me and ash wrote something on them before we set them off.

I feel ash move closer and rub my shoulder, I let out a sigh laying my head on her shoulder as we watch them along with the sunset. I put down the vase of ashes in between us as wrap my arm around her waist.

"thank you for being here" I mumble rubbing ash's back, she presses a kiss to my head and lays her head on mine.

"what would you have named him?" ash asks me quietly making me let out a chuckle.

"I didn't know whether it was a girl or boy before I refused to know without you there but I had a list" I tell her, "Noah, Arlo are the most I liked most, arlo the most" I shrug.

"I had a longer list for a girl" I chuckle, "what would have wanted to name him?" I ask.

"I don't know, having a child is not really something I've thought about. at least for now" she says rubbing my arm, "arlo is a pretty name" she says with a shrug.

"ronan? I don't know, I've never thought of baby names" she chuckles making me smile, I nod leaning more into her.

"ronan is a name I would consider" I shrug, she takes something out of her pocket and hands me an AirPod before putting the other one on and plays some music.

I recognize all the songs to be the one we both loved and listened to together making me smile, "billie" I hum turning my head slightly to look at her.

"you know, it will be okay right? like it's not the end of the world and this doesn't make you any less of a woman, you can have another try in the future and things will work out at the end" she talks me taking my hand to rub her thumb in my palm.

I let out a sigh turning back to the river seeing we can barely see the little boats now, "it means a lot, I've felt really shitty.. I just- I don't know what happened because it was all going well until it wasn't?" I say in a questionable tone.

"I don't understand how I failed to give birth" I say with a chuckle, my voice has no humor whatsoever behind it, "it makes me feel really shitty because maybe I was going to be lousy mother anyways" I shrug wiping my tears.

"look at me" ash says turning my head to look at her, "these things happen billie, being a woman is hard, I know I can't begin to feel what you're feeling but it will be okay, this doesn't define you, at all" she tells me wiping my tears.

"and you would make a kick ass mom, I can already see you teaching our kids about art and all that" she chuckles making me smile, "stop being so hard on yourself" she tells me rubbing my cheek.

"you said our kids?" I chuckle sadly leaning into her hand, she smiles and nod.

"hell yeah, best believe after your contract and you come back to New York, I'm putting another one in you and I will be there for all the ups and downs of it" she says making me laugh.

"my contract ends in more than two years ash, you couldn't simply wait for me that long" I say shaking my head and pull back to look at the sun, I wipe my face and cross my arms over my legs.

she stays quiet too as we look at the sun reflecting on the water, "thank you though" I say eventually turning to her, "you're the best thing to ever happen in my life" I tell her as I take her hand.

"you treated me so well and I know there will always be that love between us and underlaying feelings" I say linking our pinkies.

"you're my favorite person on this entire universe" she tells me making me giggle, "I love you" she says taking my hand to kiss it just like the first time we met.

"I love you too" I say laying on her shoulder.

this isn't the end of us, we both knew it.