denial

anger

             anger; a strong feeling of annoyance,     
             displeasure, or hostility.

  "so much for saying us, cause you were mine
to lose."

charlotte:

i took three days off of school after that and felt humiliated once i finally returned. lily was a little distant after that but ryan stuck by my side, especially because luke admitted to him he said stuff after ryan interrogated him because he wasn't in the call. i felt like a snitch, and the awful names luke and noah called me, but quickly lily got the courage to help me again. i wasn't sure why she was distant, or why she just ignored me after the incident but i decided she was in shock. i also wondered if she would stop talking to him for me.

i left the friend group, even though i somewhat felt like i was kicked out regardless, and left every group chat. snap, messages, etc. nathan had been kicked out of the group around the time i left but for some reason he didn't want to talk to me. he didn't know what had happened because he was never invited into calls, but for some reason, i felt like he knew. i felt like everyone knew. i was alone.  alone standing with lily, and i had ryan to back me up.

february break came up and i couldn't breath until i was on my way to florida. it was a 25 hour drive but me and my siblings made it. me and lily talked whenever we could and it was great. things seemed normal. she told me about how she was in texas, and i told her about how i was in florida. i was still upset about the friend group stuff, but i had told my mom about it and whenever i seemed down she would talk to me.

when i had gotten back from florida i was super excited because it meant i could see my dog who had to be left with a sitter. i saw that lily posted a picture of her and luke, and i soon noticed there was a song attached. a love song. a boyfriend and girlfriend song. a song you don't get posted to unless you're dating whoever posted it. in this moment i was thrilled to not be in her class in school.

i called lily, not face timed, called lily. it's what we did when we needed to talk. it was like our signal. she picked up immediately and said "is everything okay?" her voice somehow soothed her angered me. my favourite person, my comfort person, didn't bring me comfort at that moment.

"are you and luke officially dating?" i immediately regretted the way i said it. the whole situation was approached out of sadness. she coughed a little then cleared her throat, preparing herself for whatever it was she was about to dump on me.

"yeah..." she paused. "we've been dating for some time now, and both agreed to post about it."

"some time? what does that mean?" i asked quickly and harshly.

"we started dating-"

i cut her off. "in february? early february?" i interrupted to her. i was praying it was mid february, but i didn't want to push my luck.

"no," she paused. my heart sank with what she said next. "we started dating in january." she sighed when she finished her sentence.

"when?" i demanded from her. "when did you two start dating. what date in january?" i had to know. was it close to the eleventh? when luke said all those awful things about me?

"january tenth." she said lightly, embarrassed almost. i didn't blame her. i'd be embarrassed if i found him attractive, let alone attractive enough to date, and post about dating. with the running thoughts in my mind, i simply ended the call. dreading the next day. i was heartbroken.