denial

anxiousness

         anxiousness; persistent worry and fear 
         about activities or events

       "so casually cruel in the name of being
                                   honest."

charlotte:

monday rolled around quicker than i wanted it to. ryan called me on both saturday and sunday so i told him about the call with lily. he understood what lily was saying, but told me that if i didn't want to it was totally respectable. it was nice to know he was on my side of things.

when i got on the bus me and lily were talking like nothing had even happened. i was glad i could still call her my best friend. and my mom was somewhat hesitant based off of what she knew, but i consoled her that things were okay.

when i got to first period luke came and sat right next to me on my left. his friends were shocked and ryan, who sat somewhat close to my desk, seemed annoyed.

"hey, charlotte." luke said to me. i caught a glance of ryan and he looked disgusted. i wondered if he could hear me and luke talk.

"hey luke." i answered him. the teacher said she had to use the restroom and she put the smart girl in charge.

"look, i wanted to apologize for my actions back in january. i was really stressed out and i don't even remember what triggered me to say those things, but i know it wasn't right of me." he told me. i wasn't sure if it was all true, but i wasn't totally annoyed.

when the teacher came back she looked at luke and said, "are you trying to get her homework mr mellow?" which made me laugh a little to myself. he looked at me for a second and then said something along the lines of 'can i not be friends with a girl?' which she told him to settle down and sit where he usually sat. when i watched him sit down while laughing still a little i noticed gabe again. he started to ask luke what looked like 'what did you say to her?' when i read his lips. i brushed it off and figured he was only curious as to what he would say to me.

when lunch came about i saw luke's friend gabe watch me for a moment as i made my way to jasmines table. when i sat down a brunette girl named sarah who was wearing a pretty green shirt and jeans said to me, "did you notice gabe looking at you?"

i laughed a little and said "a little? we made eye contact but then i looked over here." once i finished saying that a paper ball hit me on the left side of my head. i picked it up off of the floor and it read 'char you should sit with us tomorrow! love lills' with a drawn heart. with that, i smiled, looked over at their table and that's when i remembered noah sat there too.

lily saw my hesitation and and mouthed to me that it would be okay. i then saw ryan perk up and look at me. he smiled and i smiled back at him. i looked back at lily and gave her a thumbs up. i told jasmine, sarah and abigail what i decided and they were happy for me. and i was happy for me. abigail had brown hair, glasses, and most days either wore a taylor swift shirt with grey sweatpants, or she wore a striped shirt with dark baggy jeans paired with a bunch of bracelets. today she was wearing the sweats.

the next day i wore a red v-neck shirt and dark blue fitted high waisted jeans. it was a really cute outfit and i honestly took pride in it. i wanted to seem confident when i sat with my old group. in reality, i was sort of scared though.

as i was walking to first period at school, i felt someone poke my shoulder. i thought it'd be lily so i quickly went to punch back, until i saw ryan. "oh hey! i thought you were lily."

"no worries, are you actually sitting with us at lunch today?" he asked with a bit of concern.

"yeah, i told lily i would. is that okay with you?" i asked him.

"oh, yeah of course it is. i just wasn't sure. if i were you i'd be nervous...how are you feeling about it?" he asked as we turned the corner of the hallway.

"the only person i'm concerned about is noah. i've been hearing rumours of him saying bad things about me that aren't true, so i'm not thrilled about that bit." i told him honestly.

he fixed his blonde hair and adjusted his hazel eyes on me. "trust me, he isn't telling much. and it's all fake anyway, and they all know it. plus, you don't have to talk to him today. just talk to lily and i." he said to me. oddly enough it comforted me, and then we reached class.

second and third period is when i started to get a little anxious, but i knew that i'd be eating with lily and claire again, so it seemed worth it.

when i was walking to lunch i saw luke and ryan walking together and ryan waved me over. i saw the rest of luke's friends behind him and walked over to ryan hesitantly.

"hey are you sitting with us today?" luke asked me. i said yeah and he all he really said to that was cool. then he added, "do you know where lily is right now?" and i shook my head to signify no. when we reached the cafeteria claire and noah were already sitting down at the table, and i felt my stomach turn as if i was on a roller coaster.

"charlotte! hey." claire said to me when she saw me, luke and ryan. luke fixed his light chestnut brown hair and when i saw who he was looking at, i saw lily. she waved to me and i waved back. suddenly i felt a little better.