denial

embarrassment

            embarrassment; a feeling of self
           consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.

"i never saw this coming, and i'll never be
the same."

charlotte:

i woke up the next day for school and felt awful. i tried to convince my mom to let me stay home but she told me that i should be happy lily is in a relationship. she didn't realize that lily was dating luke, otherwise i doubt my mom would've said that.

i got on the bus and put in my airpods and turned on my spotify playlist. i sat with lily everyday on the bus, i couldn't imagine what would happen today. awkwardness? the last time we talked it was last night, when she told me much more than i bargained for. much more than what i wanted to know.

"i'm sorry." lily whispered as she sat down. im not interested in public confrontation so i acted like i didn't hear her. she was wearing a black shirt with dark blue jeans, while i was wearing a white shirt with light grey sweatpants. ironic. i thought to myself.

as we got to school i managed to get off the bus before her and started walking really fast to avoid her catching up with me. i was upset. and i knew people would be asking about the new relationship of the grade.

sure enough when i got to first period i had lukes friend gabe come up to me. "isn't it crazy that luke and lily are dating?" he asked me. the nerve. when i didn't respond he added, "you knew before yesterday right?" and he actually looked a little concerned. i told him to go back to his seat and leave me alone, with that i left him to think about my response to his second question.

by third period, everyone found out they were dating, and half the grade found out i didn't know. i felt deceived, alone, and overall embarrassed. when i walked to lunch everyone gave me a look. some groups stopped talking, stared at me as i passed, and then whispered to each other.

i knew what they were thinking. 'where was charlotte going to sit?' and thankfully my friend jasmine invited me to sit with her. she was wearing a cute white shirt with jeans and had her light blue backpack hanging off of her left shoulder. she had blonde hair and was visibly wearing a little powder on her face to hide some acne.

about eight minutes into lunch ryan got up and started walking over to me. as he reached me i felt a thousand eyes on me. "are you okay?" he asked me. i saw as jasmine and the other two girls i was sitting with give him a dirty look, but i figured it would be okay to talk with ryan. he had always stuck by my side.

"i'll be fine in a week, i'm just kind of confused i guess." i told him. he nodded to me and told me he'll call me later. then he walked back to luke, claire, lily and noah. lily gave me an apologetic smile and it honestly made me feel angry. but soon enough school was out for the day and i could do my homework and relax. which is exactly what i did.

as the days past, i felt it was easier to deal with the eyes on me every time i walked into the cafeteria. it seemed as if people stopped focusing on me, and more in luke. because he was a jerk and had a girlfriend, he started to rise in popularity. he and noah started to exclude ryan and i felt bad. nathan had a new group of friends entirely, i was sitting with friends i had, but ryan? he had other friends, but they visibly liked luke more.

me and lily were distant until that friday. she called me. i thought she was in an emergency or she needed to tell me something urgently so i answered without hesitation. "i'm sorry for not telling you that i was dating luke. i felt like i couldn't after what he did to you. i almost lied to you and said that he wouldn't let me tell you or something. anything. i didn't want you thinking i was dating an awful guy. i know he's treated you awfully, but i've talked to him about it, and if you're willing to, you guys can maybe be on better terms?"

she paused, and i gasped a little. "better terms?" i said to her. "better terms!?" i repeated angrier. "why don't you tell him to maybe apologize? or tell him to tell his friends to stop harassing me about you two dating?"

"they're harassing you?" she asked me concerned.

"stop the act. you're surprised at this?" i paused to breathe. "look lills, i love you more than anyone else, but if you think for one second that i'll be the first one to put good effort into me and lukes barely friendship then you're wrong."

"i get that. i'm really sorry for how he's treated you. i just want everyone to get along." she responded. her voice seemed shaky, sad and worried. i hated that i was making her feel that way.

"it's march. if you wanted something done why didn't you try sooner?" i asked her.

"because i was embarrassed. humiliated some may say. somehow everyone found out that i didn't tell you before i posted about the relationship and i had people tell me that i was an awful bestfriend. even ryan told me that it was an awful thing to do."