denial

confession

confession; a formal statement admitting
one is guilty of something.

     "it's hard to be anywhere these days when
                          all i want is you."

charlotte:

"who else are you best friends with?" ella asked me innocently.

"i like guys." i said.

"okay...what other guys would you consider your best friend?" she asked me. god i felt bad for what i was about to say to her.

"i like guys, but i really like lily." i finally confessed.

"lily." she repeated.

"please don't hate me ella. you're such a good friend and i enjoy our time together a lot, not in a lesbian way. i'm just confused. i like guys, like a lot, i think they're hot and everything. it's just.."

"i would never hate someone based off of something like this. i one hundred percent promise you that i do not hate you charlotte." she said as she pulled me into a hug.

"i like a girl?" i paused at the thought.

"you like a girl." ella said back to me.

it felt awful hearing her say it. i wasn't homophobic or anything i was just confused. really confused.

as we were getting ready to sleep i sat up and looked in ella's direction. she gestured for me to relax and i thanked her. i also made her promise to keep it a secret since she was the only one who knew.

when i woke up in the morning as the sun started to come up i noticed a text from ryan.

'can we talk about the dance?'

i gasped. "no! no no no no no!" i said throwing my self back under the covers.

"is everything okay?" ella asked me.

"i didn't mean to wake you up. ryan texted me. he's going to ask me to the dance. lily told me he's liked me since december!"

"ask him what he wants to know about the dance. and then if he brings up dates just tell him that you're not interested in going with a guy date and you're going with your friends."

"you're a genius. seriously ella."

'what about the dance?" i responded.

"i'm sorry for waking you up." i told her.

"don't be. the sunrise is pretty anyways." she smiled and it made me smile a little.

we went back to sleep and i felt a little regretful for what i said before, but i knew that i still liked guys. i just didn't know what to do about lily.

when i got home from ella's i felt grateful that she was so sweet about it all. i facetimed my friend abigail and went outside on the swing in my backyard. abigail was lesbian so i knew she felt a portion of what i was feeling. i asked her how she knew she was lesbian and she told me that she dated a guy, and then realized she didn't like dating a guy. 'that's how she realized?' i thought to myself.

she asked me why i was asking and i told her i may have feelings for a girl but i don't know how to tell. it was obvious that i'd liked lily since seventh grade. she was my "favourite person" after all. and sure your best friend is usually your favourite person, but we were more than inseparable. we spent everyday together for like two months straight at a time.

it wasn't obvious that i was jealous over her and luke officially dating because i hadn't known they were even together. she lied to me about them not being together, and she kept it from me.

while i was deep in thought i got a text from ryan.

"do you know if you're going with a date?" it read.

poor ryan.

"yeah. i'm not going with a date. me, ella, zoe, jasmine, sarah and abigail are going together."

perfect. i'm so glad ella gave me the idea.

"i think i know someone who's going to ask ella to be her date."

i wanted to respond like i knew evan had a fat crush on her, but i'd be interrogated. plus i promised gabe i wouldn't spill to anyone. even though i felt awful for making it seem like i liked gabe, a promise was a promise regardless or whether i like him or not.

"yeah that doesn't surprise me. we're all going to her house before the dance so i'm not sure."

i left it at that. i got up off of the black and orange swing and walked back inside. i wanted to tell my mom about how i felt with lily but i figured if i hung out with her i'd decide about my true feelings then.

my phone buzzed in my back pocket as i was walking up my stairs to my room on the left side. i started to run up and i opened my door and grabbed my phone out of the pocket. lily.

"lily! hey what's up?" i asked her.

"noah is planning on asking jasmine to the dance."

"really?" seriously?

"yeah, i figured you should know."

"tell him not to." i demanded.

"excuse me?" she sounded offended.

"she's going with my group? i'm saving noah the embarrassment. plus she doesn't like him at all. she thinks he's rude and has a big ego." i confessed.

"are you being for real charlotte?" i heard a voice in the back say. luke.

"i am. she doesn't like him at all." i added. why didn't they believe me? she hates him. she's hated him ever since i told her about what happened with the old group.

"i hope you're right char." lily said.

"i wouldn't lie to you lills." i promised.

"you're just saying that cause you wish you were dating her." luke said in the back.

i ended the call in awe. seriously luke? i mean how would he know? how has he known?

lily texted me asking if i was free and at first i was hesitant to reply saying yes, but i did. i wanted to hangout with her a lot. and not just because i need to see if i am totally crushing.

abigail told me it seemed like i was in denial but i knew it couldn't be true. i was not in denial.