denial

love

      love; an intense feeling of deep attraction

"hold on, to the memories they will hold on
to you, and i will hold onto you."

charlotte:

i locked myself in my room for the rest of friday night. i listened to music for two hours, then it was dinner. i refused to go downstairs, and when my mom told me was going to bring up my food i texted her not to bother, after that i took melatonin and went to sleep until one in the morning. then i woke up, sobbed for over an hour, and took another thing of melatonin. i woke up at seven in the morning, and went right back to sleep. i did that for almost the whole day. until two in the afternoon when my mom got concerned.

she asked me what happened with lily and i told her about our argument and forgot to leave out why it started. she told me that she was on my side and regardless of who's kid i was she told me i was in the right. she mentioned how she asked for my judgement, and when she got it didn't like it.

i didn't feel as crappy after i cried to my mom for an hour. i didn't understand what exactly it was i was feeling. obviously i was angry, but why? i knew that deep down. whenever luke would joke about me being in love with lily, i laughed too hard because it was somewhat true. whenever ryan flirted with me, i never took it as flirting because i wasn't interested in him. when lily asked me how i didn't like gabe that way, it was because deep down i wasn't into him, or ryan, or any guy in my grade. it had been her since seventh grade.

i feel like an idiot for not understanding it sooner. she's been my favourite person for a year. she's been my lock screen for a year. she's been my everything for a year. no wonder i blew up at her for making out with some cocky guy. i was into her. her. lily. my lily. my best friend lily.

what would she think of me? what would anyone think of me. and with the dance coming up in two weeks i don't even know what will happen with ryan. is he still planning on asking me? what about gabe? he's been flirting with me for over a week now. god i'm in a mess.

the next day my mom took me out for some retail therapy shopping. we didn't do it often unless it was actually something that messed one of us up. i'd always felt bad for not paying but my mom told me that's why it's therapeutic for me. which was opposite but i didn't tell her that. i appreciated all she did for me. i got a lot of cute stuff and decided that i'm going to start dressing up more just because i figured everything would be better if i appeared confident.

on monday i showed up in a long sleeved cute crochet white shirt and the jeans lily always told me no one else could pull off. dark blue fitted high waisted jeans. they were always my favourite, but i started to wonder if the only reason i liked them. i started to question everything i liked about myself. was the only reason i liked my blonde hair because it was what lily admired most?

once first period ended i practically ran out of class. i didn't want to talk to ryan, or gabe, or anyone.

"hey, are you okay charlotte?" i heard gabe ask me.

i turned around to see ryan disappointed. he looked so sad it hurt me a little.

"look gabe im not in the mood can you just give me a little space today?" i asked him.

"is it something wrong with me?" he asked in return.

yes. "no."

i could tell ryan caught up with me but i knew he was hesitant because of my attitude.

"charlotte?" he asked spinning me around and grabbing onto both my shoulders.

i will say, if i wasn't completely interested in someone, i'd say his persistence is a little cute.

"hey, look i kind of had a bad weekend i'm not really in the mood to talk to many people today. sorry, ryan." i told him. he dropped his arms and i walked to my second period.

it grossed me out to think gabe and ryan could have beef because of me. i mean i'm literally not into either of them. i was confused though. i thought gabe was cute, and parts of ryan were cute too. but there was lily. and i didn't know what to do about that.

lunch was fine, breezed by. abigail kept making sure if i was okay, and ella told me that i should come over her house on friday to hangout because i seemed out of it. i really liked this group. i knew that i could be okay if they stuck by my side.

my mom was really great but i felt guilty for not telling her how i felt. i mean how could i? she was my mother. she'd known lily forever, and she'd known how much me and lily loved each other, but how would she feel if she knew i loved her differently?

the week went by slow as ever, i tried my best to avoid the guys, lily and claire. claire has been trying to figure out what's wrong with me but i haven't been talking to her. i knew i was hurting lily, but her existence was starting to be painful to me.

when i got to ella's house on friday, she and i put soap on her trampoline to "clean it" in our bathing suits and it was so fun. i brought stuff for a sleepover because my mom told me it was okay, and ella's parents were okay with the idea too. we put fairy lights on the trampoline and heaps of blankets. our plan was to sleep there for the night.

"hey ella?" i said shakily. i didn't know what i was doing but something felt easy with her.

"yeah?"

"do you think girls liking other girls is strange?" i asked her.

"not at all, girls can like whomever they choose. why do you ask?"

i'd done it to myself. i knew i'd have to tell her.

"i was just wondering. i'm sorry for asking." liar.

"no, no it's okay charlotte." she said as she adjusted her crossed legs and the rest of her body to face me. "look charlotte you can tell me anything, i swear i don't share peoples secrets." she told me. her blue eyes pleaded for honesty.

"i think i like someone." i told her. i didn't know what i was doing. if anyone would get it, it'd be abigail. abigail is the only girl in our group who's into girls. ella? is the straightest girl in the group, yet somehow i feel most comfortable opening up to her.

"who is it?" she asked me. then after a few seconds she said, "let me rephrase that charlotte." she locked her eyes with mine. "do you feel comfortable telling me who it is? i can tell you my crush first if you want."

"you first?" i questioned. i didn't know she had a crush on anyone.

she looked down as she started talking. "i've had a small thing for evan for a little bit. it was one of the reasons i couldn't stand the popular group anymore. i didn't want to like evan, but it was the way he talked to me, joked with me, everything about him was appealing to me. except for the fact that he seemed interested in all my friends but me." she sighed. "he has the cutest blonde hair and blue eyes, and the best freckles on his face, but when i realized he may be ignoring me to make me jealous, i felt my feelings disperse. and then i needed out." she told me that and for the first time in minutes she looked at the sky and laid in her back. then at me.

"wow..." i paused. "you felt that much for him? and he didn't even give you a visible thought?!" i asked.

"yup." she said kind of sadly. she was gorgeous. everything about her. her outfits, her laugh, her humour, her personality, even her looks.

"if a simple guy like evan can't like you, then you have standards too low."

"too low?! i hate to break it to you, but i still somewhat like him. don't judge me charlotte." she said sort of with a laugh. "let me hear your little crush then." she challenged me.

"i think i like really like my best friend." i blurted out embarrassed.

"ryan?" she asked me with a tilted head.

"no..." i shook my head. "not ryan." i sighed as i digested what i was about to tell her. i dug myself the whole, now i need to push myself into it and out of it.