Intricate: The Beginning of Us| MARKNOMINHYUCK(bxbxbxb)

29: Suffocated by feelings

Jaemin

I feel like I'm hiding. Metaphorically.

When I'm with Mark-Hyung, we pretend to have a normal relationship even if we both know that's not true.

While we're hugging, I look over his shoulder and see Donghyuck as he talks animatedly with his friends and when I look another way, I see Jeno with his head on one of the dirty cafeteria tables, eye closed and exhaustion in his face.

I feel like I'm hiding who I truly am and I was okay with that a few months ago but I couldn't find myself to be okay with it anymore. I couldn't feel okay with it now that I had had a taste of being with one of them. I've said it so many times but I truly do think of myself as selfish. Why did I have to crave more? The male in front of me is perfect. There's always this buried guilt inside of me whenever we're alone and even though we pretend, I know that he sees it. Sometimes, I let out looks that scream 'I'm sorry' but anytime I do that, he simply puts his arms around me tightly.

Like right now.

I feel like crying whenever this happens, I know how hard Mark is trying but I can't help but feel sorry for our situation. I hate myself. I really do.

"I'm sorry," I choke out, separating from Mark and speed-walking out of the cafeteria, my eyes cast down as I hope that no one sees me.

This has been going on for two weeks now. I still see Jeno in the nurse's office during lunchtime and I haven't said a word to Donghyuck. It feels like I'm missing something and while I know what that is, I pretend that the void isn't there.

I tried to erase those feelings. I really did. I tried to convince myself that Mark is enough, I could be happy with him and only him. While my brain is convinced, my heart refuses.

I find myself in front of the janitor's closet and without thinking, I turn the knob and walk right inside. I didn't have time to be grateful that it was unlocked, I simply collapse onto the floor and start to breathe heavily. I feel suffocated, the walls were closing in on me and as the seconds pass, it feels harder to breathe but I refused to step out. I couldn't have anyone seeing me because then it would lead to questions. Questions that I didn't want to answer.

My hands were pressed on my ears and my eyes were tightly screwed shut. I jerked when I felt a hand on my shoulder and I finally let tears escape my eyes past my eyelids.

It's suffocating, pressuring, all the guilt weighing down on me. I know that it's my fault, I know. I hate myself. I hate myself so much.

I realize after a while that my head is on someone's chest and that I was full-on sobbing. I can faintly smell the scent of coffee and it makes me relax. It instantly reminds me of a certain someone. I can hear their fastened heartbeat and can feel how tense they are, probably from this situation. After some time where the room was full with my sobs, I can hear their hands shuffle around for a while before brightness surrounds us and I finally was able to register who it was.

Lee Donghyuck.

-----

Donghyuck

I watch as Jaemin and Mark meet up in the middle of the cafeteria, looking at each other fondly and with smiles. They exchange words, smiles, and laughs. They look happy.

Mark grabs both of his hands and that's when I decide it's time to look away. I go back to talking to my friends, trying my best to distract myself even though I was focused elsewhere. Every once in a while, my peripheral vision focused on them and sometimes I fully glanced over.

They fully caught my attention again when I saw Jaemin tear up before the older takes him into his arms. I go back to my friends. The moment seems intimate, Jaemin looks sorry but I couldn't see Mark's face even though I was sure that he was reassuring him something by the way that he would tighten his arms around the other every once in a while. Nobody is looking at them, invested in their own stuff in the crowded school cafeteria. Of course, besides myself.

When Jaemin speeds off, I look at Mark to see he looked defeated. He runs his hands through his face and hair as he looks in that direction wistfully. He stays put, though, as if frozen.

I thought he was stupid. If it were me, I would have run after him.

Jaemin probably wanted to see his boyfriend but I know Mark isn't moving anytime soon. I decide that it was time to talk to Jaemin again so I hurry to get ahold of my bag and bid my friends goodbye before running after him.

I assure myself that Jaemin wouldn't hate me once I talk to him. He probably hasn't even noticed that we suddenly drifted. He's probably too busy with Mark, I try to convince myself.

I'm a bit surprised to see when the pink-haired boy step into the janitor's closet but I don't let myself dwell on that and simply continue rushing there. I was grateful that the halls were completely empty. No one had seen Jaemin go in there and no one would see me.

It's dark inside the room, I note first. The only light coming in is the one that comes in through the small window on the door. That light, though, was enough for me to see Jaemin curled on the floor. I can hear his fast, uneven breathing and so without thinking, I drop to the floor and bring him to my chest.

It was like a sudden sense of protectiveness. I didn't care what it took, I wanted to see him okay no matter what.

When I hear that he had begun sobbing, I only tighten my arms around him and rub his back, trying to calm him but I have the feeling that perhaps he couldn't even feel it, too overwhelmed. He continues crying for a while that I even heard the bell ring but I didn't care, I wanted him to be okay.

Only when I thought that his sobs had started to calm did I reach out to turn the light on before turning the lock on the door, afraid that the janitor or some horny teenagers would attempt to come in any minute now.

We stay quiet for a while. I allow him to catch his breath as I continue to rub his back up and down with one of my hands. "Jaemin?" I call out after a moment.

He doesn't respond but I know he isn't asleep even if his eyes were shut close. It looked like he was still trying to calm down which is why I decide to stay silent for some time longer, continuing my previous actions.

It's a few minutes later when he finally, very slowly, detaches himself from me. He moves back and presses his back to one of the walls before hugging his legs to his chest, his backpack right beside him. In an attempt to make him feel more comfortable, I move to press my back onto the opposite wall.

I watch as he focuses on his knees, looking down in a daze. I let him have his time. I wasn't an expert but I was pretty sure that he has just gone through some sort of attack and I didn't want to pressure him so I stay quiet.

"Donghyuck?" Upon hearing the weak voice, I almost visibly flinch but I swallow my reaction and hum in curiosity, willing for him to continue. "I don't wanna be here," he continues in a whisper.

"Do you want me to take you somewhere?" I ask him slowly, carefully as I straighten up.

"I- I just don't wanna be here," he answers and I take it as an agreement.

I stand up, and run my hands through my pants to get rid of dust before extending a hand at him, "Come on." He stares at it for a while before taking it.