Intricate: The Beginning of Us| MARKNOMINHYUCK(bxbxbxb)

45: Goodnight

Jaemin

He paused after starting, furrowing his eyebrows as he thought. The wait seemed eternal but I gave him all the time he needed. He was figuring things out, sorting out his thoughts, and I completely understood that. I had no intention of cutting through that so I simply focused my eyes on the flower seeds that were in front of us, resting there. They must have been there for at least a year now. They were in a box so they hadn't flown out but I nearly laughed at the memories behind the small bag but I didn't have the time. He spoke before I could. 

"I don't know if I want this."

Right away, I feel myself deflate a little and I let out a low shaky breath but I don't say anything. This was his turn to speak. 

"I don't know if I'm brave enough to try this." 

I feel this huge urge to hold his hand and put my arms around him. He was brave. I know that but the thing is; he doesn't.

"I've accepted that I have feelings for you and Donghyuck and that already took so much from me," he scoffs a little, turning his head to look up. My heart instantly speeds up upon hearing his words. "But." He sighs, seeming reluctant, his hands looking a little shaky and when I inspected his face a little closer, his eyes seemed glossy. "Is this really what you want? There's a possibility that you guys will get tired or that you'll realize that you actually don't like me like that. You might want me out and then I'll... I'll be back to square one," he says in a low, broken voice.

He is scared, I realize. He wouldn't say it out loud but it was clear how scared he actually feels about this whole ordeal. I understand, of course. I've spent countless sleepless nights thinking and thinking, wondering and wondering, pondering, scared of all the possibilities in life. 

Seeing Jeno like this, so vulnerable, showing his raw emotions, simply made me fall further for him. It proved me right in a wonderful way, this just showed that there's so, so much to him than what he wants people to see. There was trauma and anxiety and there was something that he wouldn't tell me, that he doesn't want the world to know. At least not now. 

I want to reassure him. Badly. But I don't know if I have the right to do it. Nevertheless, I scoot a centimeter closer to him and put my hand on his. 

In return, he flinches only slightly before relaxing.

"I think about that all the time, you know. It's normal to feel... aware. It's like, suddenly, there are these really strong feelings inside you that you never knew existed. That you only ever thought of as part of a fairytale or perhaps a dream." I pause. "You wanna know something? A small secret of mine?" I question, looking at him with a slight smile. He nods curtly so I continue. "Actually, you were my first crush. If you were to ask me, I only started liking you in freshman year after seeing you in the hallways. In reality, I've known you since seventh grade." Jeno's face turns ever so more confused, making me laugh a little. 

"During the seventh grade, I had to wait for Renjun after school often since he was in the art club and I didn't want to leave without him so sometimes I would wander around the school. One time, I ended up on the field where they were having an ongoing football match. Turns out, the school that was going against ours was the one that you attended. That's the first time I saw you and the first time I was ever attracted to a boy." I sigh, reminiscing about that day; every detail engraved in my mind. I can even clearly remember the smell of the grass, the sound of the cheers, and how the setting sun looked that day. "That wasn't the only time I saw you though. There was this time when I saw you at the supermarket and I hid away, feeling flustered but I could still see you and you wanna know what I saw?" Jeno hesitantly nods, unsure. "You helped a grandma put her groceries away and you gave her the most beautiful smile I have ever seen," I tell him bashfully. I was being bold here but I felt like it was alright. This was about him and reassuring him and it didn't matter what it took.

Just remembering that day and remembering his eye smile sent butterflies to my stomach.

"Are you sure?" Jeno whispers, for only us too to hear as if it were the most sacred thing ever and only we could know about it.

"I've never been so sure." I give his hand a squeeze, my heart raising in hope. "If you three are willing to, there is nothing more than I wish to do than be with you." My cheeks instantly flame up and I look away, a bit embarrassed at the realization of what I had just said but I snap my head to look at him again at the sound of his laugh. For the first time, he showed this lightness in his eyes, fondness dare I say, as he allowed his eyes and lips to wrinkle up in that precious grin of his. 

He stops the sound coming from his mouth but a slight smile remains tugged on his lips. "I'll try. Just know that with Mark... it'll be hard."

I sigh. "I know that you guys hate each other but-"

"I don't hate Mark," he frowns, "he hates me."

I knit my eyebrows together in confusion. "I thought it was mutual, though? Because you stole the captaincy and then Mark got revenge somehow though we never knew how."

Jeno laughs sadly, shaking his head slightly, turning his head to look down at his lap. "That's what the rumors say. The real story is nothing related to that."

"And what's the real story?" I ask curiously. 

He looks at me, looking all over my face before shaking his head. "I should go home now. It's nearly three AM." He stands off, extending his hand to help me up. "I promise to tell you tomorrow. With Donghyuck," he says before quickly adding, "And Mark."

For a second, he looked determined yet hesitate so I watched him questioningly, gasping when he placed a chaste kiss on my cheek. 

"Goodnight Jaemin," he whispers in my ear before walking off.