ambit. [hs au]

Chapter 59

a/n: first and foremost, i'd like to THANK you all for the amazing feedback you gave me after my little note on the last chapter. i was feeling so down, it filled my heart with joy receiving all the love you guys gave me <3 especially knowing you love ambit as much as I do. thank you, thank you, thank you! from the bottom of my heart.

***

The next morning, I woke up before him.

It's something that never happened before; I'm a heavy sleeper and not a morning person at all, so usually when I sleep with Harry, I end up staying in bed for way longer than him.

This morning, however, he was still fast asleep when I opened my eyes a little earlier than my usual internal clock. Rolled into a fetal position by my side, his hand wrapped around my wrist, holding me closer even when we're not cuddling.

He seemed so relaxed and at peace, the usual permanent frown missing from his brows, his naturally pouty lips slightly parted, breathing calm and steady. He looked so much younger, innocent in a way; I wish I could see him like this more often, he's always so tense and worried in his daily routine. Sometimes it is easy to forget he's only 25 years old; three years younger than me. I always feel so gullible in comparison, so less experienced. Harry has such a powerful presence, an overpowering force to be reckoned with. I really wish he could be just a normal 25-year-old sometimes.

Last night, he was so distraught. Although it wasn't the first time I saw him angry or worried, yesterday was different. He was discomposed, so completely stuck in his head, overall lost within himself. Every other time we talked about ambit and his plans for it, he was always so certain of his objectives and the things he was sacrificing for.

Now, however, he was doubtful, faithless. I understand that he felt betrayed, to have people going against his orders, but I can't pretend it wasn't scary when he said he could've commited the murders himself.

Now that I've slept in the news that the ideas behind the murders scenarios were his, I can't help but go over everything I know and saw about the killings. It was all so theatrical, yet so fucking cruel... I've never wanted to believe Harry could even think of something like this, let alone do it with his own hands. Part of me wants to believe he only said that in the heat of the moment, that he doesn't actually mean it, but truth be told, I think this is just me trying to justify something unwarranted.

I'm trying to lie to myself because I've been ignoring all the signs and warnings he has been giving me since day one. I ignored them because my desire to be with him is bigger than my morals, apparently.

He keeps telling me he's a bad person, that he's weak for letting me in. He said I'm romanticizing him, even knowing he has reasons to be the way he is today, and I think these words were the ones that really stuck in my head. It never crossed my mind that he could actually be bad; I just think he's wounded, broken and misshapen by the way he was treated by his abusive father, and rightfully so.

Looking at him, curled on his side in his peaceful slumber, my heart aches in my chest. I just... Fuck, I care about him so damn much; I always did. From day one, I knew it would be risky to let myself get involved with him, but don't regret it a bit. Even when he tells me he's not a good person, there's nothing he could be or do to change the way I feel about him.

What worries me to no extent is the standard he keeps himself, how low is the bar for himself. The self-hatred, the unbreakable certainty that he doesn't deserve me, but it's too selfish to let me go. The guilt he feels for being with me, how he constantly thinks I'm cursed for being by his side. I hate it that he feels like this is even a possibility; for me to walk away.