Sanity

Chapter Fourteen

Just like before, my anxiety came. It comes at times like this. I am slightly panicked as I try my best to control my breathing, right now I needed to get out of this confined space. I really didn't care anymore, I quickly got up. I felt dizzy and my breathing was ragged. I thought my heart was going to explode and ooze out of my chest. I grew tired and faint, trying to control my breathing. It hurt, the pain in my chest grew strong, I was feeling something, but it's times like this I wish I wasn't. I became unknown to my surroundings. I quickly dropped to the floor and scattered into a corner. My breathing still ragged and tears quickly springing to my eyes. I felt like the world was turning in, my life was gone, but in all reality it wasn't, my mind just presumed it was.

My eyesight was blurred due to the tears flowing down my face, it is times like this my weaknesses show. I tried so hard to fight it off. I strongly believe that I cannot handle anymore it's time for my life to end. I tried so hard to collect my self but I couldn't, I was in unknown surroundings, with unknown people, it was hopeless. I heard a loud crash and that set me off again.

I couldn't breath at all, well so I thought, I started screaming, it's times like this that I know I belong in a mental institution. I screamed to try let it all out, but it wasn't working, if anything it was making it worse. I knew I looked a mess, tear stained cheeks and ragged clothes and most likely my hair was all over the place.

I heard doors slam shut and all of a sudden boots appeared in front of me. I could barely make them out but I knew damn well who they belonged to. I started to scream again trying so hard to get out of my panicked state. It made me sick that my weaknesses show when I need to be strong, I couldn't jump up and let adrenaline course through my veins, as I had nothing left to give.

He slowly crouched down so that he was at eye level with me. I was still screaming, at this point my ears were ringing, I just seen his mouth moving but no words coming out. Eventually he realised that I wasn't listening, I knew he didn't understand the whole concept of why I was acting like this, he most likely presumed it was fear. Anxiety coursed through my veins, refusing to calm. The tidal wave before the storm.

All of a sudden he placed his hand over my mouth. I was in an awful place, I didn't want to be here, I was trying to scream but no sound was coming out, I grew frustrated but in my current state I couldn't think straight. My teeth grazed his palm as I opened my mouth and then all of a sudden I latched onto his skin. His hand didn't budge he just scrunched up his face in disgust. This only caused my anxiety to worsen, I couldn't take deep breaths, like I have been told to do on numerous occasions due to his hand being placed on top of my mouth.

He placed his hand on my knee and then removed it as if trying to calm me, he took out a knife from his back pocket, well I what I presumed was a knife as I couldn't see due to the state I had gotten myself into.

"If you don't shut the fuck up screaming I will slice your head off of your body. Okay!?"

I barely heard him as he tried so hard to whisper I knew I was still whimpering.

"III- CCan't" I knew I stuttered but I physically couldn't stop screaming. I didn't care about the knife, I would even stick it in myself for him. I didn't stutter out of nervousness or fear, it was due to my irregular breathing. I knew he was going to mock me.

"Oh is the little girl stuttering, do I really make you that nervous. I ought to teach you a lesson because of the way you behaved. What happened to the Jackie Chan wannabe? Huh?"

It was silent for a few minutes, my breathing wasn't getting any calmer, my entire body was in shock and I completely lost control. I tried to speak but my mouth just opened, I became mute.

"Cat got your tongue? Eh?"

I couldn't answer, which only made him grow more aggravated.

"Listen to me and listen to me clearly! When I ask you a question I expect an answer, if I don't get one I will presume you need a punishment. Understood?"

He didn't even give me time to answer. I couldn't function properly, my brain felt numb, I was still in the middle of an anxiety attack and he really wasn't helping.

"Good" he stated. "Now get the fuck up off of the floor."

I grew more aware of the situation I was in but not once did I think he would harm me in the ways he did. Realisation hit me as I grew to understand I was trapped. I knew long before then that I wasn't able to be helped. It was so rare to have a good day, a day were I felt almost normal. Everything was a struggle. Ordering food. Paying for items. Answering questions in class. Being in class, petrified in your seat waiting to be called on for something you didn't want to read, fearing you may stutter, or perhaps pronounce a word wrong. It really didn't help my current situation, if anything it made it ten times worse. I was already damaged but I strived to get better. What even was better? Waking up and feeling loved, feeling wanted and not like a burden on anyone you so much as converse with? I could no longer think straight. My head slouched onto my legs as I brought them up to my chest. I didn't say anything, I found it mentally impossible to physically lift myself up off of the floor, but of course he didn't understand nor did he try to, matter of fact no one tried. I felt alone even though he was there, right in front of me. I felt alone even when I was in a room full of so many people. It was something that came almost naturally to me.

He looked at me and raised one eyebrow as if challenging me to disobey him. He got up off of the crouched position he was in and stood tall, towering over my small frame, I grew smaller as he rose. He belittled me as a person and I let him. He took my weakness as an opportunity to seize his revenge. I was waiting for an impact of a hit or a punch or something physically hurtful but that never came, instead he placed both arms on either side of my waist and hoisted me up. I squirmed in his grip as he placed a more stronger hold on me. I was still in my anxiety ridden state so nothing was making sense and I could still barely breath. He turned me around so my back was placed to his chest. He withdrew one of his arms, but I was still in his tight grip. He reached into his jacket and pulled out some cloth. He placed it in his hand and shoved it up to my mouth. I felt my limbs go limp and I realised I was no longer in control of my body. I felt calm and at ease.

"If you hadn't have been so difficult about it we could've done it the easy way." That was the last thing I heard before I drifted off.

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Shoutout to @crisomqueens because she is fly af and helped me so much with the story 🌸 Thank y'all so much for the 27 votes and over 600 reads🙅 Sending a lotta love and happiness your way🎈💖 Also I am trying so hard to update regularly but my exams coming up are so important but I just felt so bad cause I haven't put a lot of time into this book and I want to be proud of it but hopefully I will be able to update at least once a week 🎉 I just need a particular day 🙅 Also shoutout to slayylarry she is also fly af 👯