Sanity

Chapter Nineteen

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I was awoken by nightmares, just like every other night. I craved sleep, I was deprived of my nightly sleep on so many occasions that I barely remember what it felt like to sleep. I felt his arm wrapped around me. His body was not close to me , but his arm held me in tact. Afraid I was going to escaped. I was confused as to why he was keeping me around. I quickly untangled myself from Harry and crept towards the door, that was slightly ajar. I wanted to go back to the room with the broken plates. I tried to remember the door and eventually I found it. I tried the door, only to find it locked. I tried the door next to it and that was also locked. All of the doors were locked except the room Harry was sleeping in and a bathroom in the far left corner of the house. I crept back into the room Harry was in, I left the door ajar so the light from the hall could shine in, Harry didn't budge from his slumber. I quickly picked up his t-shirt on the floor and walked towards his drawers to place it in. There was just briefs and boxers in the two large drawers, I decided then I would change out of my clothes. I quickly walked towards the ensuite. I began running water for the bath hoping I didn't make too much noise. I looked around to see if Harry had any shower gel or body wash but found none. I realised that there was no escape from this place, there was barely any windows located around the house, I grew frustrated with how trapped I felt. The walls felt like they were caving in. The air grew limited and I felt the same feeling, a feeling I had grown accustomed to. One of the few emotions I have. I was a wreck, it always without fail happened. My heart rate would increase, almost so much that my heart could pulsate out of my chest. I grew panicked. I felt like someone was holding my neck. Tightly. So tightly that my body couldn't absorb any oxygen. My eyes started to water and we all know whats to come. Tears. Merely water that leaves your body and is a sign of weakness to others. When did body fluid hold such dept. I closed the door and not so gracefully slid down on to the floor. I gathered myself in a heap, wrapping my arms around my legs and resting my chin atop of them. I wanted to shout, scream even, but I was left entirely numb. The panic I once felt was just an outburst of weakness. I looked upon my illness as a weakness. I felt like others used it as a weapon against me. Against myself. You can't fight fire with fire and you can't make homes out of human beings, those are the two most important things you will ever learn in life and you won't learn it from your teachers or in class. I looked upon myself as something despicable. A shame to the human race, because all my life I was forced to believe that being yourself is never good enough. I looked at the fat on my legs, that just screamed ugly. I didn't want to be this person anymore, I wanted to progress and go on and have a future, but we all knew that wasn't going to happen as death was much more appealing to me. I realised the water was now overflowing down the side of the bath and I let it. I simply stared at it, hoping the water would eventually drowned out my sorrows. I heard rustling outside the door. It must've been Harry because within a few seconds he was in front of me looking furious as usual.

I quickly picked myself up off the floor and ran before he could even register what I was doing. I refused to stop running even when I heard footsteps approaching behind me. I tried looking around for a door that seemed unfamiliar and spotted a ladder in the corner of the hall area. I quickly climbed up and pounded on the opening, until it eventually did concave and open. I heard Harry shouting, strains of curses and foul words. So I quickly climbed onto the roof. My stockinged feet making contact with the wet, moss surface cause me to crinkle my face in disgust. I gazed around and realised I was in the roof of what looked to be an old apartment building. The building was high up and the air was nearly knocked out of my lungs. I looked up at the sky and saw hundreds of tiny specs of stars looking down on me. I was so engrossed in stargazing that I barely noticed the shooting star, but as soon as I did I quickly went on to make a wish.

"I wish-" I started but didn't get to finish. As Harry appeared.

"According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years too late. That star is dead just like your dreams."

Harry personality resembled mine so much, only I was much more innocent compared to what he had witnessed in this world, and I didn't care, because in that moment I felt like the world was on my shoulders, little did I know that he actually had the world on his shoulders, but also bowing at his feet.

"I don't understand."

I knew what he meant but I didn't understand why he said it.

"Neither does the world."

I simply nodded my head.

I knew know we were no longer talking about the star, he was talking about him self.

I walked closer to edge of the building, not feeling an ounce of fear, numbness. I slowly swung my leg over the ledge of the side of the building. I quickly swung the other one over, so I was now sitting in the top of the building, gazing down at the large city below me. Only a few shops with lights on, and barely any people present. I felt like this city represented my life, if I were to try describe myself to anyone I would bring them here, only they would probably be to afraid to sit here with me. I heard rustling beside me and looked to see Harry sitting beside me. He didn't look frightened, he looked placid and at peace. His usual stone hard expression was gone and replaced with a calm eery. Words weren't spoken for awhile. I decided I wanted to be the first to speak, I didn't want too, but curiosity got the better of me. As I was debating what to say to him, he finally spoke up.

"Why don't you ever voice what's going on in that fucked up head of yours?"

"Nobody wants to know."

My voice was so little compared to his, my shouts were a mere whisper, my voice barely sounded audible. Like a mouse and a lion. A lions loud rawer drowns out a mouses weak cry for help.

I was so used to people pretending they were interested. I knew they weren't, so I didn't tell.

"Why? How do you know that, if you've never even tried. You really are a whole different kind of fucking crazy."

I was so used to getting this kind of reaction when I refused to tell, people grew aggravated with me. Patience, everyone seems to lack patience. Instead of explaining myself or even trying I simply said what I felt was okay

"I know."

"But why do you just accept it?"

" So do you!"

I was growing more aggravated by the minute who was he to tell me what's wrong and right.

"How do I, I feel more sane around you than I ever had around anybody else!"

"You have your ways of coping and I have mine, LEAVE IT THERE!"

"Get up!"

I refused to move as he slowly got off the ledge of the building. I could see the anger growing as I refused to do what he said.

"NOW!"

I grew panicked as his voice raised and this was never good. I could push myself slightly, on either side, on one I could be in safe haven and where I've always wanted to be or back with him and in an even worse state than I already am.

Sorry x I was so busy with school and One Direction, cause they make me crazzzzy and I was also
surprised with tickets and I cried😭😭 They were so good live💜

Stay safe, where ever you may be x