Sanity

Chapter Four

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Meal time didn't go as bad as I suspected it to. I had managed to eat most of the food given to me. Yet again that voice inside my head was telling me to stop and just starve but I needed to get out of here as soon as I could and that was the only thing keeping me half sane.It didn't hurt me that I was like this, I had made myself like this after all.

I was back in my room looking at the plain cream walls, not a picture in sight nor a decoration that resembles my personality. It might be because I don't have a meaningful personality.My personality was made up of darkness and mental illnesses.I don't even remember what my old room looks like and that hurts, it shows how long I've been away from my house. I miss my brother so much its been so long yet I've started to think he doesn't care but then part of me knows that if he could get me out of here he would He says it's for my own good yet it isn't doing me any good or helping me develop as a person and not a mentally challenged girl. I have become the monster inside me, yet only the people around me noticed me change at first and then, then I noticed it, I noticed that I wasn't happy, I couldn't laugh without wanting to cry and I couldn't cause any pain to spark within me, not even when I purposely hurt myself, like when I slipped down the stairs or when I accidentally fell on shards of a broken glass, but that was the day I realised that I resembled an object not a living thing, an object, the glass was just like me, broken, unfixable and useless. I don't have a purpose on earth, I don't have wise advice to give children nor do I have any positive aspirations for the future as I don't plan on making it. I don't want children as I am unstable and unstable mothers lead to messed up children and I don't want a husband as nobody could love someone as messed up as me and I don't deserve love, I deserve more pain and heartache as I crave it now, it's like a force of habit you don't want to do it, you need to do it and I don't want pain and heartache, I need it, I crave it as I am numb nothing effects me anymore, not even the harsh comments, or the harsh criteria of some people, that's their nature, their persona , I refuse to fall under their spells and let them have any effect on me. The only reason why he had a slight effect on me at the start was because I have gone so long without being acknowledged and I got used to nobody messing with me over and over again. Life wasn't near good nor was it near normal. Normal girls my age would be out with their friends having fun or going on dates and wanting to live life to the fullest but me no, I don't have friends nor do I want or need friends, I don't remember how to have fun nor do I remember what it's like to have fun. "Fun is for children you are no longer a child!" my mother would always tell me. I don't miss her , how could you miss such a heartless bitch? I didn't want to turn out like her. I didn't want people to tell me "oh you have your mothers eyes and your fathers mouth."because the difference was, they were both together in my face. The love they once felt reflected on me, I was no longer a prized possession, I was simply a thing that was created based on false feelings and three meaningless words.

The bell signalled that it was time to get our showers. So I did just that. I took a cold shower to help burn calories as I can't exercise properly until I get moved to the bottom floor, also known as the free floor. I was ready for sleep to over come me. It's the one time I get peace until I wake up in a sweat over some stupid nightmares. But tonight something was wrong with me,tonight something out of the unusual, even though there is always something wrong with me, as I am never right. It was him, I couldn't stop thinking about him, it was just him and I couldn't stop myself. I can't handle this all this unneeded thinking, stopping me from escaping this messed up world for awhile and that was something I craved every night, freedom for a couple of hours, until the monsters inside me decided they needed to torment me some more and that was something I hated about waking up. I know I have anxiety and I know I suffer with depression, but I didn't choose this life, I didn't just wake up one day and decide I don't want to get out of bed, heck I don't even want to live. I slowly but surely fell into depression and anxiety was just something that tagged along and it bothers me everyday when people tell me to just "jump out"of it, if I could just "jump out" of it I wouldn't be in this place nor would I be in the position I am today, I would probably be a normal teenager in college, doing what they love. But I am so far down the hole the only way out is death. I was innocent once like all the other children yet there comes a time when innocence is something to be ashamed of and wanting to live is an immortal sin. Monsters lurk inside if us and sometimes, sometimes they win.

A/N🙏

I know it's not as long as it should be and I am sorry that I didn't update sooner but I had so much stuff going on and I went to see One Direction and I like died. 😩 They are so beautiful in person and I had exams and a crap load of other stuff to do and I don't want to rush this book so work with me. 😁🙏🙌💕