Sanity

Chapter Five

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He was still on my mind and I wondered how long I could go without thinking about him. I started to count, thinking it might help, I know not something Einstein would do but it worked for awhile until he finally popped back into my fucked up head. I was doing good until I bumped into him, well not exactly good but I wasn't bothered for so long, I got used to being ignored, I guess. Maybe it was his arrogant attitude or how he had not a single flaw, and that had so me drawn to him. He made me feel so insecure. He was the definition of a dream boy, the one you spend your younger yeas dreaming about, except he didn't recite poems or tell you you're beautiful, but instead he stared and made you feel like the worst person in the world. I felt like he was the kinda person that would criticise every little thing you do and I think twice about it, the boy that your mother warned you to stay away from, yet you felt so intrigued, by his looks and how his eyes always held the same emotion, blankness, almost like he had a wall built up and you felt like you had to take it down brick by brick, yet when the whole wall is down you'll question whether or not he was worth the time. But as you try to mend his soul your broken soul becomes worse and breaks into pieces so small that no one can fix you. I was always good at putting a story to people and usually I wouldn't fail to but he was so different, you couldn't read him, he looked like he had took control of his emotions and that was something I want to learn to do or maybe he was just good at hiding his emotions as that's also something I want to learn so nobody would question my smile, my fake forced smile that I have mastered over the years, yet still to this day people question as my eyes seem to tell a different story.

I always questioned how I could be someone's first choice and then I realised I have never been anyone's choice, let alone first choice. I just want to sleep now, try forget this messed up world for awhile and then maybe I might be able to try mend myself but who am I kidding, I can't mend myself if I could I think I might have done it long ago. I don't want to have to rely on someone forever, rely on them to bring back the spark inside of me, cause they'll leave, they always leave. I have to go to support group tomorrow and I know it won't go well as I don't want to listen to people's problems just as much as the next girl doesn't. You shouldn't have to go to support group, you should be dead, the voice inside my head mocked me. My heart bet wildly in my chest, I could feel my tear ducts fill with water, I held them in, crying was for the weak, it did no one any good, well so I thought, so I had been told for most of my life. I always cried when I was little, I never thought twice about it, yet here I am now, refusing to let my tears out.

Third Persons POV

Within five minutes of the last mock of the day inside her head, she slowly drifted off to sleep. Dreaming about how some day she would be free from her pain and her misery. She didn't belong in a place like this nor did she belong on this earth. Her soul was beautiful, she cared too much for people who wouldn't give her a second thought. She cared and treasured other people, refusing to let them see themselves the way she sees herself, yet even she knew that but she just couldn't bring herself to be unkind, it wasn't in her nature. But when she seen him, he resembled perfection, perfect face, perfect body, and even though he was only there for a short while she knew that everyone was desperate for his attention and he was much loved for his good looks as the girls starred at him for so long, some of them were even close to drool, and she hated that because she never felt that, she didn't know what it was like to have someone want you, because all her life she felt unwanted. He portrayed a bad boy image that drew girls to him like magnets to a fridge, yet there was a reason behind his bad boy act, a reason only he understood. She will soon come to realise that, that boy she saw was what she needed, what she craved. She felt hatred towards him, but that was just her head trying to draw her away from something that could bring the slightest bit of happiness into her life, and maybe this time her heart will win, maybe for once she might stop feeling numb and feel the sparks and the jealousy being with a teenage boy brings. She feels like it's never going happen to her and maybe it will, maybe it won't but the decision lies in her hands. She needs to help herself, be selfish for once and keep herself healthy. She has been five months clean from inflicting harm on herself, yet she had only been two months in rehab and that, that was an achievement in its self! She needs to be thought how to be happy, how to live but if only it was all that easy she was broken, but if she believed she could be repaired she would be, it starts with self belief, something she lack immensely. Silly girl didn't realise she was the key to her sanity, she was the only one that could keep herself alive.

But just like every other night she awakes in a sweat, the same nightmare that haunts her every night, the one in which she lives.